


This Is How You Die

by finallyseeyoulie



Category: Original Work
Genre: ADHD, Abandonment Issues, Ableist Language, Abuse, Alienation, Angst, Asexual Character, Autism Spectrum, Character Study, Climate Despair, Delusions, Depictions of Death, Depression, Diary Of A Suicidal Kid, Disabled Character of Color, Dissociation, Feminist Themes, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Internalised Oppression, Internalized Bigotry, Intersectionality, Isolation, Loneliness, Memoirs, Meta, Millennial Woes, Nihilism, Non-Linear Narrative, Other, POV First Person, POV Outsider, POV Second Person, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rumination, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trans Male Character, Trauma, Unreliable Narrator, Victim Blaming, realistic fiction, screed - Freeform, self blame, stigma - Freeform, there's so many tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 03:57:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 51,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20867813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finallyseeyoulie/pseuds/finallyseeyoulie
Summary: You got so much to do. Could sleep all day, you're never fully rested from sleeping. You don't want to do anything.Snippets that chronicle the moments leading up to a young man's suicide.





	1. small fragments

**Author's Note:**

> this has a huge CONTENT WARNING for going into great detail about suicidal and depressive thoughts, graphic depictions of violence and death, use of self-directed hate speech, idealisation of suicide and other explicit themes. 
> 
> its really heavy please read at your own discretion! stay safe.

This is how you die.

**x**

_My kisses burn into your soul,_

_My touch melts upon your skin,_

_My eyes reflect my misery_

_Of the darkness deep within,_

_I am a waste of time,_

_So now I shall die_

**1**

You got so much to do. Could sleep all day, you're never fully rested from sleeping. You don't want to do anything.

The one group you had internally praised for being drama-less, at least explicitly, suddenly got a huge face-off recently. When asked for your opinion, you got a trauma response to what happened years ago when you got called a disgusting monster, and abstained. You don't know why this aspect is so selfishly important to you that you don't want to share it with the other aspects of your life. A place where you could just be you, but not really. You don't want them to fall apart.

You're so tired of having to resist the urge to kill yourself. You don't want to leave her behind. And even though you had several conversations about this, you still hesitate calling her your love in front of others. _What if she still sees me as just a friend somehow._ You know that self-doubtful thought is uncalled for. Since you got involved in the other part of your life, you wonder if it really just is friendship and you were just making a fool of yourself. You just don't want to be called a monster again.

So many friendships ended because the second member made a sharp cut from it, without the consideration that you could or should talk it through, just going in silence. This implies they saw no merit in confronting you about it, as if your personality gave the impression of it not being worth pursuing a discussion.

You know you're terrible at expressing what you think or how you feel. Most people probably think you're fucking stupid.

And still, some have said they know little about you, and think you got more stuff figured out than most people, or they are curious to what goes through your head and what is important to you, subtext being that you do have these plentiful thoughts that you don't share.

To be honest, it's true, a lot is on your mind, but nothing substantial. You just see it as pointless and ultimately damaging to get involved. Why can't you belong anywhere.

Humans and their expectations are terrifying. You hope we go fucking extinct from all the havoc we've caused. This planet doesn't deserve all the damage we've wrung upon her. Show weakness, and you're done for. That's how it works in this world.

Why did you have to be born to one of the most fragile, destructive, painful, lonely species on this god forsaken world. You want to die.

**2**

You're tired and worn out. It's like your entire body and mind system is exhausted. As if the hurt seeped itself deep into your bones. You know you're being selfish and petty. But you also don't want to put all the blame on yourself. You're literally sick of not listening to yourself. This is warranted and probably justified.

You just don't know what to do. Be a childish liability? Are you even being childish or just told to suck it up so their comfortableness goes over your damage? You don't feel real. You mean that people's perception of who you are doesn't feel real.

You're told you're a good person. Are you? Or do you just not show enough of your messed up thoughts for them to realise you're a monster? Is it even your fault or are people conditioned to think less of you? Do you contribute to that? Do your thoughts deserve to be heard?

Whether they do or not, this asshole gets anything he wants easy, and you had to fight for it. Had to fight to even have friends who cherish your company and respect you and are concerned about you. You fight every day to keep yourself alive and not succumb to the desire to jump off the bridge and just end all this agony.

You fight to stay independent and enjoy solitude. You fight to pass the semester. You fucking fight all the damn day and it's wearing you off. You're so, so, so tired. You just want it to end.

You can't believe he gets coddled like that. You genuinely might hate him. But hate means something you despise within yourself gets reflected in the person you hate. What is it? What are you ashamed of in yourself that he gets congratulated for? He's pathetic and you can't believe you let him have this much control over you.

This is your day. This day in particular is important to you. You've lost so many years to loneliness. But the hurt, frustration, anger, shame, loneliness, confusion, it's currently within your whole body. You need to consider where your priorities lie. But there are so many things. Are they distractions? You're so tired.

**3**

You're getting listless. Why are mornings so painful.

You vented to two people about your hurt. They both had profound things to say. But you're drawing a blank here. You don't want to do anything at all, except lie down for seventy-two hours.

**4**

You want to die. You don't want to do anything.

There's nothing else to say. Mornings are the worst, because how the day will progress is still uncertain. No matter how much you visualise scenarios in your head, there's no guarantee it will go down the way you envision it.

For all you know he might not be there today. But you still need to do your exams anyways. God, you hate this situation. You knew you didn't invite fellow students into your life for a reason.

Another friend makes sure you eat and sleep, and made you realise just how little the others truly care about you. You're known for putting more into a relationship than the other party emotionally. You mean nothing special to them. You're so fucking alone in this world. They're all hurting you in some way or another.

You hate all of this so fucking much.

**5**

You don't want anything to do with anyone. You just want to die. It feels inevitable. Like there's a countdown ticking, and your demise is soon. You keep thinking of the bridge right in this little town. You don't see the point in anything. You think you never have.

Why are you here. Why are you doing this to yourself. Why are you letting these people damage you. You were never meant to live. You were never meant to live a happy life and you never will.

It'll always be like this. It'll always be painful. It will never get better. You've failed. You've been doomed since day one. Your lifetime has reached nowhere. There's nothing you can say.

You want to leave. So badly. You can't do this anymore. You can't. You want to die. You want to hurt.

You want to jump in front of a moving train and get it over with. You don't have the energy. All you've done is ruin everything and cling to something stupid. You want to stab your heart with a kitchen knife. What's the point of doing all this. You want to die. You want to kill yourself.

It's like it's inevitable that you'll die by your own hands, and soon. That your time in this god forsaken world is short. Your nights have always been young. You want someone to shoot you.

You wish that accident back then would've killed you. You wish you'd been run over by a car already. You wish you had jumped in front of that train when you were young. But you know it would've been too close to the station to kill you. You're too much of a failure, you couldn't even kill yourself correctly. That's one of the reasons you're still here.

You don't want to be here. You don't want to exceed age twenty-five. You don't want to play this bullshit game anymore. You're so fucking tired of it. You're so tired of everything. Why were you cursed with living. It truly, truly wasn't worth it.

You don't know who you are. You don't know what you want. Except to stop living. This is too painful.

**6**

You're getting kind of yearnful of the past - you hesitate to call it nostalgia, since you're aware the past wasn't any better. But it's hard to look back on media of your past and mourn over what once was, what and who you wish you could return to. You wish you could go back and not have to experience this. You hate going forward. You miss something. You're not sure what it is. You wish things would have turned out different.

**7**

We don't deserve to make it. You hope this species falls apart in its own destruction and feces. We have been abandoned by God.

**8**

You're tired. You don't want to do anything.

You've been called edgy for saying this before, but it's as if you've died at age twelve, and what remains is your decaying carcass doing everyones bidding without actually wanting to be here. You want to die.

You're becoming your mom. It feels like it's inevitable. She's the worst person you know. It's terrifying.

**9**

Everything in this world is truly, truly fucked. Humanity has wrung the world into its premature death.

You feel developmentally stuck. All around you're stuck dealing with people who want to rob you of your sense of reality. You're surrounded by people who want to damage your sense of autonomy. Who gaslight you.

You should've known by now, not to trust anyone. Never trust anyone. Everyone is only going to hurt you, because you don't have the resources to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from hurt. You don't have the means to bring justice.

Those who hurt you will never face repercussions for damaging you and transforming you into a husk of your former self - someone who's been dead for nearly three fourths of your life. You're destined to forever be unsure of yourself and never reach your true potential.

You will never, ever be respected by your peers.

You want to die.

Just kill me. Just kill me.

**10**

You're loved. But you don't think you'll ever be loved the way you want/need to be. You don't want people to think you're a godly figure and admire you. You just want a life where it feels like you matter for once. Anywhere.

You're just a funny caricature. Not taken seriously. Not ever valued. Never something someone would want to consider a friend and invite you into their lives.

You're doing something wrong, but what. You think you're too much of a lazy asshole and people figure that out quickly and disengage appropriately. You're doing nothing with your life, got nothing to your name except freeloading. Nothing that makes you interesting.

Why would anyone wanna bother with you. You're too selfish. You forget things quickly, living exactly one day to the next. And so you forget important things about people, and come off as if you don't care. You can't help people in their time of need. You can only entertain people with your jokes for so long. In serious topics, you flounder.

People can probably smell it on you how much of a loser you are. (You're somewhat joking.). And somehow you're still arrogant and bitchy. You try to be so nice but it just doesn't work. You don't know what others do to deserve close friends who love them. You don't know what you're doing wrong.

And it's not as if you want to improve this dilemma. You want to suffer. You deserve to suffer. You don't deserve love, or friends, ever. All that remains are the thoughts that will never be. You'll never be a normal human being. You'll forever be a monster.

**11**

You're inherently an asshole, just waiting for people to realise that.

**12**

You haven't had the energy to so much as get out of bed.

**13**

Something broke you. You're so disgustingly tired. What are you doing all this for. What do you keep living for.

**14**

You got nothing to say.

**15**

You don't know how to explain the feeling you got from watching your childhood game's ending credits after replaying the game recently. It's like you met yourself half-way in this game. It's as if you saw yourself, your thirteen year old self from when you first played the game. As if you found yourself there. They laid the tracks for you to follow. You missed this game.

You can't even experience nostalgia properly, you guess.

**16**

Maybe you just got emotional over playing a great game that actually means something to you for once again.

**17**

_I'll stand by your side_

_I'll watch you decide_

_Whatever you choose_

_You're not going to lose me  
_

**18**

Now that you've crawled back to your childhood home, you've proven that you can't cope or deal with the real world. You just want to lose all feeling of the present to long past, fading sensations of memory.

You were never happy. But the present makes you worse. You don't want to deal with the fact that you live here. That you have to live on. That humanity is destroying itself, and we're nearing our end, and apparently you have to witness that. But you don't want to fucking do anything about it. You honestly just want to die. You want to go back to a life where you didn't carry all this weight on your shoulders. The world keeps progressively getting worse. There is no hope for us.

**19**

You're not needed here. They don't provide what you need. There's no hope of any welcoming space in your life at all, if the most radical place you know pulls this disappointing shit. You're done.

The world is dying. See if you care anymore. Keep on pretending that you're doing anything. There's just too many problems, and not enough time to solve it. Literally everything in life is completely backwards to how it should be. And we're too incompetent as a species to do anything about it.

Seriously, all we'd had to do is remove power from the 100 out of 8,000,000,000 people destroying the planet, but we sit on our asses pretending life is going as normal. God, we're so, so fucked. You're so sick of people. You're so alone.

**20**

Leave me alone. Don't fucking touch me.

**21**

He gets to experience everything you can't have but desperately crave, without even fucking trying.

You're such a tryhard.

**22**

You're not meant to have friends who deeply love you. Ever.

**23**

You don't care about anything. This world wasn't made for you. You need to stop catering to it, because it destroys you. You just want to live out your life and rot. You don't care about anything anymore.

**24**

You wish you could escape this life. Disappear forever.

**25**

You're not cool and you'll never be cool. You're an unbearable loser.

**26**

No one in this family can take no for an answer. It's concerning. Everyone keeps acting as if they know better than you. Know what you want/need better than you. Don't hear you saying no fifty times and making clear you'll tell them if you need anything. The only one to really defend you is your uncle so far.

**27**

You can't trust anything, and you sure as hell can't trust anyone.

**28**

You've never been given the tools to assert yourself. You've been socially, environmentally, societally, conditioned to be a pushover.

**29**

Love yourself when no one else does.

Love yourself for everything you've been through, the hardships you've faced. Love yourself for holding on and living. You've come far. You're strong and beautiful. Even if no one bothers to see it, do it for yourself. You deserve to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness. You're your own person, and you're amazing.

**30**

You're a mess. It's why you only focus on yourself.

**31**

Not to be dramatic, but you feel like you're about to die.

**32**

Your body hurts, your mind hurts.

**33**

You've been robbed of the right to get angry.

**34**

You want to live a life that makes your mother regret you were even born.

**35**

You don't want to display any of your interests publicly because any individual modifier you possess can and will be used against you.

**36**

Holy shit, you were really _out there_ as a kid. Engaging with people. Interacting openly. What happened?

**37**

You cannot function under this system. You're pretty much a shut-in right now. That's all you'd ever be if left to your own devices. You can never achieve independence. You're traumatised, ill, and broken beyond repair. Your goals are unachievable. You have failed. You are a failure. Who is to blame?

**38**

You're scared that the one time you'll unabashedly want for something is the one time it goes horribly wrong, and you regress into repressing your wants and needs again. It feels like a life long battle. Do you go for what you want even if you end up regretting it permanently? Even if it kills you? Do you go against everything everyone ever expected of you for your own fulfillment? Do you stay true to yourself?

**38**

Everything was less serious back then. Less divided.

**39**

You dreamt you were back at your grandma's place and had to prepare to leave.

**40**

Flowers bloom without a care in the world. They don't care that they're pretty. In fact, they'll never perceive themselves.

**41**

You got told by a friend that you remind them of a bipolar-depressive character in a video game. That really opened your eyes. You were aware you're an asshole, but then you're also pathetic, immature, and deplorable. The character's a mess. It kinda stings that she sees you that way. You thought you were opening up to her with something she could relate to. But you're on your own.

**42**

Embrace being an asshole. Trying to be nice brought you nowhere. It never will. You'll always be mediocre. You'll always be lonely. There's no changing that. You're a dupe. You're a failure. There's no use trying, because you won't make it. Ever.

**43**

You can just be yourself, and that's fine.

**44**

Apparently you don't see your, or any, life as meaningless.

You think, at risk of sounding _#im14andthisisdeep:_ we create our own meaning. 'Meaning' itself is beyond our control. Who are we to say what's meaningful and what isn't? Does that frog or table give a shit whether it is 'meaningful'? We're here, now, forged by the stars and earth, given a heartbeat that had such a minuscule chance of existing in the first place, and we should embrace that. We were birthed from nothing, created and formed by everything.

**45**

You're not alive. Were you ever alive in the first place?

**46**

A girl told you she suffers from chronic fatigue, so much so that she can't even give it her best in her education. It's the same for you, but she still gets more done than you somehow.

**47**

It's nice to know she thinks of you as an immature manchild who runs away from responsibility.

It's true, but it really damaged your view of the relationship. You hate this. For so long you've endured debilitating anxiety and self-doubt 'in the name of love'. You thought it was 'love'. It's not love. It's hurt. It hurts.

You always felt 100% at fault. Maybe you are, maybe you're not. But you've already consciously tried to stop obsessing over her and loosening her impact on you. It's not working that much apparently. But you hate to admit the above implication stung a bit. You're not gonna waste seven hours of your life watching some playthrough of a game that's really boring and that you don't give a shit about just to understand some vague sentence she spewed at you.

Holy shit. You think you're angry but can't feel it. It actually blows your mind. You know what? Fuck that. Fuck her. You can't do this anymore.

Since moving here you've started to set standards for people giving a shit about you. It's only a marginal difference, and you'll never be truly loved and cared for the way you want/need it, but it's still a big enough difference that you need to respect your own damn time and well being and stop hanging out with shitheads. Remove them immediately. You're not saying 'remove her', just in general you're setting standards and you hope you've finally completely opened your eyes to how much she's fucking hurting you.

God damn. You used to get so hurt and feel so incompetent and inferior. You will never, ever, ever be deeply close and intimate with someone for your whole life. This proves it. You're not made for it. You need to cope with that. It didn't work. It never will. Fuck this. Not even your 'best friend', 'soulmate', whatever else you called each other, it never felt like you were equals. It won't work out. You're tired of burning yourself out over her. Done.

You're your own person. No one will ever love you. That's just how it fucking is. You don't fucking need her, you don't need to feel this way. You're all alone and you're done pretending otherwise, done pretending it'll ever be any different.

I won't forgive you for this.

**48**

Fuck caring.

**49**

You'll never be loved. You're too childish and bitter.

**50**

That's all it took? You're kind of pathetic. Have a nice fucking life.

**51**

This world is just disgusting. There's nothing to live for.

People who say 'what about sniffing flowers and sunset and the potential for deep friendships' can honestly fuck off. Life isn't flowers and sunsets and intimate companionship. It's craving and decay and neverending taxes. Don't ever pretend otherwise.

Life isn't built on compassion. It's sheer hatred. Hope is futile. If you're not thin you're looked down upon. If you're not white you're not even human. If you're a woman you're a mere object. If you don't make money for someone else you're worthless. And it goes on and on.

Humans have never changed. We're destructive. We spit out blood. We've killed each other's sense of empathy. Because it's dangerous. You're just born dead. We've never made it. We never will. We're parasites. And we pretend otherwise. We're not even human.

**52**

You don't know what you're feeling. Bitter? Ashamed? Embarrassed?

**53**

You always need something to fill up your mind and distract yourself.

**54**

Yes, you're a loser, in every sense of that word. But you've embraced it.

**55**

What makes humans human is their unflinching desire to ruin other living beings.

**56**

You do not care. You do not matter to me.

**57**

You're furious. But it's a thin feeling. You've been robbed of the right to be angry. But people make you fucking angry. Furious. Rage. You're sick of all these broken people breaking your faith in humanity further.

Everyone's an asshole in some irredeemable way. You're tired of them. Tired of acting like it's okay. Sick of tolerating it. Sick and tired. You're done with their shit. You don't want to see them anymore. You don't care if your standards are too high or not. You don't deserve this bullshit. You've been tolerating living for twenty years. You've wanted to be dead for the majority of them. You keep pulling along.

They don't deserve any more than that. You don't owe them fucking anything. You don't owe them pretending and acting like you're fine. You're sick of being disrespected or being treated like you're a moron. Is it too much to be seen as a fucking human being for _once_?

You're seething. Every single day you're seething. You want to kill them all. You even get robbed of the right to say that because someone will twist you as the dangerous psychopath for saying that, even when it's a trauma response to being surrounded by total fucking assholes and idiots.

Fuck you. Fuck each and every single one of you. I'm sick of you. You do nothing to deserve your happiness. All you do is destroy. Destroy everything. Ruin everything. Your life is pathetic and it wasn't worth it. You've done nothing valuable in society except destroy. Destroy. Destroy.

This world really is fucking doomed. You won't miss a single one of them lot. You hate them all. Fuck them for doing this to you. Fuck. Them.

**58**

You're thinking of jumping off the bridge. You hate the idea of people pretending they mourn you or, even worse, that they 'knew' you. They don't fucking know you. No one ever did. No one bothered to try. No one ever cared about you. You hate the idea of getting two minutes of attention after death.

**59**

Everyone is your enemy. Never forget that.

**60**

You finally want to be useful. You think most of your unconscious behavior is based on that.

**61**

You're the genetic baggage of those two messed up families' histories combined.

**62**

You're never gonna have a happy ending.

**63**

If people are stuffed dolls, you're the torn apart broken one that barely manages to stand upright.

**64**

You're more emotionally invested in people than they are to you, and the one time you decided to not extend emotional labor to a friend who sent passive aggressive messages, she immediately stopped talking. You're disgusted by her responding to your 'I'm not your personal monkey' with a 'debatable'.

The one girl who got all high and mighty over how little your friends care for you. She doesn't give a shit either. You don't owe her anything. After not talking for ages she goes to you for support only to fuck right off again once you made clear you're not giving any after such a disrespectful statement. No one takes you seriously. It's astonishing how truly you are alone.

Your other 'friend' gave up talking to you right after she initiated small talk and you responded in kind. What the fuck do those people want from you. You don't owe them shit. They're not your friends. You don't owe them your life and your fears.

Disliking small talk as kids makes sense because kids still develop and are immature but you're grownass adults working up towards the business world now. Grow up. Fuck people. People make you sick.

**65**

You want to die. That feeling never goes away.

**66**

You're in pain.

**67**

It's not that people hate you. That would mean feeling any sort of strong emotion about you. You don't matter that much to people. It's just that you're severely socially awkward and make people uncomfortable.

**68**

Imagine getting killed by something you can't see.

**69**

Someone talked about how people in your field of work end up here consciously, and not because they have nothing else left. You know he doesn't know you, but you still think that's an outrageous statement. Bastard. The guy does not speak for you and the people who are like you.

**70**

Everyone has so many cool stories to tell, living their lives each day, meanwhile you're just here…rotting away.

**71**

The same guy had to belatedly apologise for getting passive aggressive during a 'critique' (unending monologue) because he was 'frustrated' from the day before.

Learn to control your god damn emotions you manchild. 

**72**

Your first reaction was that they're an embarrassment and you don't want to be seen near those guys.

Figures.

**73**

The reason you haven't killed yourself yet is because you're on a mission. The majority of the world hates you and wants you dead for who you were born as. You won't give them the satisfaction. You'll live the best life you can to spite them. You're amazing and have a right to be yourself and to live. They're not getting rid of you. Not that easily.

**74**

You're not a big fan of this girl saying you have a self-projecting problem. You agree it's true, but it implies you're not aware of the behavior within you. You clearly are. You don't use your flaws and host them onto others to ignore them in yourself. You're well aware of your flaws. You're an asshole. But not to that degree.

**75**

You think in life we're all here to make up for each others' flaws and become stronger for it as a collective.

**76**

It's hard to believe in 'hard work pays off' when your hard work rarely or never did.

**77**

Your mother, and family, never respected your boundaries. Ever. The few times you asserted yourself by saying 'no' she flipped her shit. Forcing you to do things. You'll never forget that episode she had where she literally removed your door from your hinges and acted as if she had no choice but to do it. Because you stood up for yourself. She's so entitled.

**78**

If anyone asks, you're spending your time in a worthwhile way. Watching silly videos online.

**79**

Life is so awful.

**80**

Belting punk songs fantasizing about singing these songs as a punk concert.

**81**

You should point out that you realise by now that the guy you were hysterical over recently is not the only one like him. Everyone else has 'an easier time achieving things'. It's because _you're_ disabled. _You're_ the one having difficulties. To be clear, you still dislike him or not like him, but he's not some boogieman that's out to get you with his success or whatever. You have a debilitating illness. You think you handle it, at least on the outside, pretty maturely. You don't lash out at people externally in an abusive way. At least you hope.

An example was given today of a girl going off her meds unprepared and having severe mania/depressive episodes, losing herself in her quest to 'belong somewhere', inadvertently(?) pulling people into her mess, unhealthy impulsive behavior, etc. It's safe to say you're handling it…differently.

You don't and will never undermine people for taking meds or needing meds. People have a right to meds. But you say this as someone who's never taken meds for your mental illnesses, and it's safe to say again that in high probability you have different resources with which you handle your 'episodes', which affects how you self-reflect on your behavior and determine what is 'legitimate' or just the severe depression. It's different. You're handicapped and it affects pretty much any and all aspects of your life. And that's fine.

Not really, but I get what you're saying. It's fine in that you understand it. You don't blame all your behavior or life situation solely on others or solely on your mental illnesses. Well…if you do, then you're really really fucked to not realise you're doing it and being a giant asshole. That's probably more likely. Nevermind then...

**82**

You have no close friends. Either you're inherently unlikable, or just really easy to dismiss and not give a shit about. Or you're not easy to like.

**83**

You want to die. But you're also bitter and prickly. Everyone else wants you to die too. And you don't want to give them the satisfaction of being gone. You want to be an inconvenience to them. Fuck them all.

**84**

Your lesson in life has always been to never want for anything because you're always wrong.

**85**

You want to die. You're so far out that things that used to make you anxious don't matter to you anymore. Nothing matters to you anymore. Just kills you._ Just kill me._

**86**

You kind of want to die. You kind of don't want to do anything anymore.

**87**

You just wanna be a dumb shit and not be despised for it.

**88**

_She's useless because her life is too easy,_ he said.

**89**

This is fucking despicable. What an insensitive prick. What the fuck is he even doing here. You're so mad.

And then it's 'your fault' for 'not explaining properly in detail what got you so mad' as if it's your fucking job to analyse and inspect every single pathetic thing this slimehead does for him FUCK you're _seething_ you can't even finish that thought, he's such a terrible human being it's incredible. And he still gets to lead a decent life.

What a dick.

God.

You hate this. You hate this so damn much.

You can't even defend yourself or voice your opinion because you're so fucking mentally, emotionally and linguistically debilitated you can't open up. You're doomed no matter what. It's awful.

Why can't you just kill yourself already.

**90**

You think you're doing decent for someone who has a constant, overwhelming urge to kill himself.

**91**

You think it wrecks you when people don't like you or that you're a loner because you think you need other people, despite when given the chance you'd just laze around by yourself all day long. It's your primitive lizard brain that seeks physical contact but if you wouldn't depend on others you wouldn't care, apparently…

**92**

You just got reminded of the fact that you got guilt tripped for not visiting regularly despite an active and harmful individual spewing his stupid bullshit there all the time and making you ten levels of angry and/or disappointed whenever you're there.

You're saving yourself from the trouble. What the fuck do people get off on thinking they know you better than you know yourself? _Not everyone is like you, asshole._ Stop. Speaking. For. Everyone.

You're not normal.

Also someone else might've indirectly admitted to seeing you as _weaker_ and _dumber_ than them and that's why they hang out with you: so they can feel better about themselves.

You know you're pathetic and selfish, that's why you're perpetually lonely.

You're not lonely because everyone's evil and you're such a nice guy who everyone misunderstands. You're lonely because you're self-centered and a coward who doesn't open up.

You don't work to improve yourself. You're fated with a miserable life and inconsequential death and you don't seek pity for it.

But you still have a right to be angry and for people to treat you _decently_. _At least **decently**_. Like a _human being_ who just _isn't like them_, and no matter how much you try and have tried never will be. You don't know if that's already too much to ask. You honestly just want to die already. You're so fucking tired.

_Just kill me._

**93**

You have only one goal that matters now. You won't live past age twenty-six. You've got nothing to live or strive for. You want nothing but death. Anything else that 'matters' to you has been secondary. You can't take it anymore. Even the thought of living for another four years is painful. People don't nor want to understand, but you will have to end it yourself. You can't take it anymore. It will only get worse. You die either way.

Can't wait.

**94**

You think your main lesson throughout your whole life is to stop catering to what others demand of you, in this case life itself.

This is a severely controversial statement, but you think death is beautiful. It's the most natural and real thing in the entire universe. Even when your spirit's gone, you left a physical impact and offer your tangible piece of history to be used again.

It's not that you detest your life in particular - you hate _living in itself_. You're a doomed soul cursed with a task that's destined to fail from the start. You'll be miserable for the rest of your life at this point. You feel that the end is near. You won't live to see a day past twenty-six. Nothing matters anymore. Your life's path ends in this town. You got nowhere else to go. It's edging closer. And finally you'll be released from the traumatic experience called sentient life.

**95**

If it hasn't been made absolutely clear already: you don't want to get better. You don't want to improve. You don't want to keep on living life into old age. You just want to kill yourself and get all this over with.

**96**

The only reason you're not a chainsmoker at this point is because it's the one clear difference left between you and your mother. And you don't wanna be a little bitch who has to go smoke at every small semblance of confrontation/things not going your way all the time. 

**97**

You read situations incorrectly.

**98**

So, turns out you're epileptic. As if you don't have enough under your belt already. You're a dimwit (you can't even hold a thought for a fucking minute), autistic, depressed, fucking degenerate, stupid as shit and a terrible person, and now you might have to take meds regularly for the rest of your fucking life for fucking _epilepsy_ of all the things that're wrong with you.

This diagnosis is gonna hinder everything in your life even more. Why did you ever think you're the inhumane monster when some divine being just doesn't get enough of giving you 1034983489 chronic illnesses. Fucking epilepsy. You can't believe it. Now you have to keep taking care of going to 497 other highly specified doctors.

How could this happen to you. Why are you so sick. You can't take this anymore. Why is this happening. You're all alone, depressed, autistic, stupid, emotionally stunted, and have epilepsy. It sounds like a fucking punchline.

But at least now you've proven to yourself you haven't lost the ability to scream.

**99**

Someone forgot to invite you to a meet-up after you agreed to come.

Granted, you sent a ton of mixed signals at first and the others probably didn't know for sure you were coming either to remind her to invite you, but you were still a bit offended, it feels like you have to work hard to remind people you even _exist_ sometimes, and you kinda think it's fucked up you were so easily forgotten after 'everything' you did for her. But you think it's even more fucked up that you apparently think she owes you. You know she had a lot on her plate but it still hurts though.

But it's a familiar kind of hurt, one that tells you to keep expecting the worst.

And coming to the second meet-up after that would feel wrong somehow, it's like… subconsciously letting her know stepping on you is alright and you'd still come running like a loyal dog.

**100**

You discovered an interesting paper about highly intelligent people being outcasted for not being compatible with 'normal people' and ultimately leading empty, unfulfilling lives.

You're not saying you're more of an intellectual than the general population, if anyone can read your thoughts they know you're fucking stupid, but you can strongly relate to the feeling of being more of a monster than a human.

Of being an alien in your own skin. Of never belonging no matter how hard you try. Of always pretending to be 'normal' but failing.

**101**

If nature is about who can deplete the resources the most and wipe any competitor out, humanity is winning. 

**102**

You wonder why you don't have any friends, but you admit you're pretty closed off.

But suddenly after a decade of being shunned, it's up to you to deprogram yourself of what has been verbally and non-verbally said towards you all your life, and to suddenly start opening up and being okay?

**103**

You're broken beyond repair. You just have to keep pretending you're fine until you finally kill yourself.

**104**

You don't matter to anyone anyways, you can't take this shit anymore, so you're saving everyone's time.

**105**

You're such an idiot. You keep thinking you have friends but no one cares about you.

**106**

Love isn't real. You just find the nearest warm body that finds you attractive.

**107**

When you die by suicide you hope it'll beat him over the head how much you obsessed about death and how little you valued the act of living in itself.

**108**

You don't want more things for people to understand you less with.

**109**

No one cares about you! You will never feel loved or be understood.

**110**

You just want to destroy everything you have.

**111**

Some universal truths about you:

You'll never have friends.

You'll always be lonely.

You'll never receive the love you crave.

You're destined to be a shut-in.

No one will ever respect you.

No one will ever understand you.

You won't be successful or ever feel successful.

Nobody wants you, platonically or sexually, nor will anybody ever want you no matter how much you try.

You'll never be normal.

No one cares about you.

You have no redeeming, nor productive qualities.

You'll die by your own hands.

You're more of a nuisance to people than anything, occasionally an entertaining monkey, nothing else, nothing more, never.

This is all you'll ever be.

**112**

How often do you feel that you are “in tune” with the people around you? Very rarely.

How often do you feel that you lack companionship? Always.

How often do you feel that there is no one you can turn to? All the time.

How often do you feel alone? Always.

How often do you feel part of a group of friends? Never.

How often do you feel that you have a lot in common with the people around you? Not that much.

How often do you feel that you are no longer close to anyone? A lot.

How often do you feel that your interests and ideas are not shared by those around you? Often.

How often do you feel outgoing and friendly? Sometimes.

How often do you feel close to people? Never.

How often do you feel left out? Constantly.

How often do you feel that your relationships with others are not meaningful? Constantly.

How often do you feel that no one really knows you well? Constantly. Forever.

How often do you feel isolated from others? Always. It's your fault.

How often do you feel you can find companionship when you want it? Pretty much never.

How often do you feel that there are people who really understand you? Eternally not.

How often do you feel shy? Sometimes, most times.

How often do you feel that people are around you but not with you? Yes.

How often do you feel that there are people you can talk to? Never.

How often do you feel that there are people you can turn to? Never.

**113**

You're just really fucking ugly and bad at everything.

**114**

Watching a show about two friends becoming a successful musical duo brings you back to your latest musical experience, from a while ago:

A girl was playing a chord on the guitar and you said you'll accompany her on the piano that was in the room - you can't play for shit so you played it off as a joke. But she stopped playing, when you came back you cheekily said "I can't accompany you if you don't play," and she just responded with "oh." That's the furthest people will ever go with you. You're pretty sure saying she couldn't stand you would be exaggerating. She just couldn't care less.

You talked to your therapist about how you didn't have any friends in your hometown, despite your continual efforts to be nice, kind-hearted, funny, normal, interesting, etc. People just don't like you. You can't tell what you're doing wrong. He of course didn't offer any useful tips. Are you just inherently unlikable? Are you annoying? What makes people so disinterested in you? Either way, you'll never have any deep heartfelt connection with anyone, and you'll definitely never be anyone's first choice. You're just destined to being alone for as long as you live.

And you don't want to hear any "self-fulfilling prophecy" bullshit, you know it's true, but you have tried for ages and failed. You've used up any theory you can think of. Trauma, emotionally inept, socially awkward, autistic, depressed, executive dysfunction, shame avoidance, fear of rejection, too self-centered, weirdness, or just a lazy asshole, you can't tell! You can't tell. Fact of the matter is you're alone, no one cares, and that's all you'll ever be.

All you can do is live vicariously through fictional characters who will achieve more than you ever could and project yourself onto them and keep daydreaming. You just won't ever be a normal functional human being. You'll never even be human at all. You're nothing.

**115**

You've been thinking it through and you totally get it now. You're a huge selfish dickhead. It's incredible.

You act like you're so selfless and self-sacrificing but you lose your shit when someone steps just one (1) micrometer out of line.

It's not voiced bluntly but the subtext is clear. Your expectations are too high and you blame others for your being dissatisfied. If that's what people have to deal with every single time they interact with you, you're genuinely sorry.

While you're at it, you also want to make clear that you understand your mother isn't some evil villain figure who's to blame for all your problems and a hundred percent out to get you and nothing else. Of course she contributed to your hurts, but you're just a huge bitch anyways, and after all: she's just a human being like everybody else who tries her best, thinks she's in the right and she just wants what's best for you (herself). She does care but it's just not working out with what you want.

What is it that you want anyways? You, at least from your perspective, don't want people to coddle you or spoil you or treat you like a God or something. You just want attention? But how much even? You get overwhelmed when you have to deal with people multiple days/hours at a time. How do you expect this to work?

Either way, your sadness is very pretentious and you're sick of it. This is why you don't want people's pity. You know you brought your suffering onto yourself and don't deserve pity or sympathy. You don't try enough. You say_ "I tried so hard"_ but you also explicitly talk about how you sabotage yourself by not wanting to improve. You're a parasite to anyone around you. Suicide could make it worse but honestly, both living on and the potential aftermath of your suicide both sound very terrible, so it's a lose-lose.

You've also contemplated whether to write down the last thoughts before your death, it would be very humiliating as you hate having people know anything vulnerable about you such as your terrible and harmful thoughts, but you also love prodding into other's problems and it might be interesting to read from a psychoanalytic standpoint for some. Maybe strangers reading that could reach the conclusion you eternally cannot: what's holding you back and why exactly you're such an awful, awful person.

That's if anyone would give enough of a shit to read through that garbage. It's not like people will suddenly care just because you're dead if no one gave a shit while you were alive in the first place.

**116**

Your favorite has to be when you tried to dismiss someone saying you have a self-projection problem, because it just comes to show how little self-awareness you actually possess.

Not too long ago you've acknowledged in a conversation with them that this really is the case. You project your own flaws onto others. You pit the wholeass world against you and act like everyone's out to get you when in reality you're out to get everyone. You're not an innocent. You have huge issues and thousand year complexes. You're mentally damaged. You try to rationalise your irrationality.

Avoiding people is actually a brilliant safety measure against this. It keeps others from having to deal with your bullshit. As you said, it's honestly incredible. This entire project perfectly exemplifies why you're so miserable: by your own hands. No one's to blame but you.

This callout just keeps coming but it's amazing just how much of a terrible human being you are and how much you tried to convince yourself otherwise. It's all your fault and you keep trying to publicly go for a 'there's no black and white' mentality, but you're clearly involved in so much emotional whiplash it's honestly fucking hilarious. You're always either-or, there's no inbetween. Either life is great or everything should just burn down. It's really funny when you say edgy shit like every person is a dick and a second later preach some self love garbage. It's so, so funny to you. You're such a joke. You get it now. Not just saying you get it, you really _get_ it, on some meta level.

You're the fool. You're a fool for thinking some external force is going to fix this for you eventually. Or thinking suicide it the way out. You likely will still ultimately kill yourself, but you're aware this is the stupidest reason for suicide ever. You can't get a grip because you stopped developing emotionally at fucking age six. You're not even a manchild. You're a manbaby. Indeed very, very stupid. You're not laughing but this is the most hilarious shit ever to you. You're just straight up garbage and there's no running away from that, aside from actual physical death.

Keeping yourself isolated from others is a safety measure_ for the others_. You're just not mature or capable enough for healthy human interactions. No excuses on why. The fact of the matter is you're not doing anything to improve the situation. That's all there is to it.

Anything else you say is superfluous. This entire thing already has you sounding like a broken record since day one. You always keep saying the same things. You're really not that deep or insightful. In fact if it wasn't your only source of outlet, you could just end it here. It's already eighty percent too long because you just keep repeating yourself.

The only news is that you've set a potential date for your suicide and have decided on a method. Both are subject to change because as is clear, you're a fucking dumbass who won't commit to anything. But you'll probably look how the next semester will be and that's finally it. Also, the bridges in this town are too low to kill you. You'll probably kill yourself in the 'comfort' of your own home. It's honestly a bit of a relief to know you'll kill yourself and finally die sooner than later. You were just delaying the inevitable. That thought makes you smirk. 

You won't develop as a person, you won't be useful to some employer for your surplus value, you won't meet people half-way and bond with them, you won't work on your talents and skills, there's nothing for you on this dying world. You're so happy. You can't wait to finally die.

You'll be real and say yes, you are curious what the reaction would be. You're sure most won't care and label you as _the weirdo who randomly killed himself?_ _he seemed like he was fine. strange and pathetic, but whatever._ Some will lose their shit but will get over it quickly. Your mom will probably die but she wasn't ready to raise a fucking kid so who's the winner here.

You don't know why you let that quip out, she isn't to blame either. It's all on you, you'll learn to accept that now. Life was 'fun' while it lasted but you're over it. Your heart's jumping at the thought. You hope to God you'll be successful. The last thing you need is to be in a vegetative state for another sixty years. That's worse than actually dying.

Obviously your new lens on your personality might be completely off as well, but no matter what, the conclusion remains the same: you're not capable of handling human interaction and you'll just hurt others as much as you're currently hurting yourself, and you need to stay away from others. Reason might be subject to change but the outcome remains the same. You were born dead.

**117**

So you're aware of your self-delusions. The issue is that you're still the same guy. You're really self-centered and still really, _really_ bad at interacting with people. You inconvenience them at worst and actively hurt them at best. It's better if you don't involve yourself with anyone. But that's literally impossible. And you have to deal with the notion of just how immature you could possibly be, and someone in a dream calling you creepy. That's a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **17 - ** iom - hands (ft. juno)  
** 92 - ** cue the 'in case you havent noticed, im weird' meme lol  
** 100 - **_ "For the price Newton had to pay for being a supreme intellect was that he was incapable of friendship, love, fatherhood, and many other desirable things. As a man he was a failure; as a monster he was superb."_  
** 111 - ** ULCA loneliness scale


	2. method of running away

**x**  
  
_Friends and family, _  
  
_even a loving mother at arm’s length, _  
  
_feel endless oceans away_  
  
**1**  
  
You've learned your lesson by now.  
  
No matter how much you try, you're a nobody.  
  
You had no chance from the beginning. You're an afterthought, by your own design or by environmental causes, it doesn't matter. You're not alone, but you're predisposed to ending up socially isolated. You're lonely. People don't need you. People have fun without you. You hurt yourself trying, but it's not enough. And when you give up, you can lose everything. Not that it matters. Not that you ultimately matter.  
  
This break, like every other break, is one you spend most of the time by yourself. You honestly believe you tried your best here, it didn't work. There's just something about you. Obviously you're not the only one in the world who feels this way or experiences this. In fact you acknowledge the majority of people are even worse off. But the isolation is still tangible. You rot in your room. You don't want anyone around you, at the same time you crave validation. It makes no god damn sense. You're bored.  
  
**2**  
  
You were interacting with somebody today, completely disregarding all your life lessons and again having to come to terms with the fact that you're a terrible, sneaky human being incapable of solid interactions.  
  
**3**  
  
You were super awkward as always, but people engaged with you. You think you had actual, foundational conversations with at least six or seven people.  
  
You got solid advice from one guy and you shared a few laughs, you were proud of how you got to keep the conversation rolling even if most info was inane. One guy even remembered how you didn't go to his party - you were probably deep in self-inflicted depression or something at the time - and what emoji you last sent him. That was from months ago.  
  
One guy went out of his way to exit the building to bid you farewell as you were leaving, and you told another guy you loved his drawing and he was really smiling. You don't know, you just had a really good time for once. You should be sleep deprived more often.  
  
**4**  
  
You don't show your love to me in conventional or organic ways. That's a formal way of saying you don't show it in a normal way. Most everyday I doubt if you even care for me. I have a habit of keeping things bottled up inside until it inevitably comes bursting out and I make big aggrandizing statements like these and treat it like an ultimatum, it's no surprise that people call me out the second I voice my doubts.  
  
Truth be told, I had the means to visit you again several times but didn't take the chances because I dreaded going there again. The country itself was a pain in the neck but hanging out with you was painful as well. I was glad we hung out but it was also mostly painful. And still I offered to visit again, I don't know why I did that. Part of me is still clinging to the hopes of feeling loved by you one day. I don't really understand the source of desperation nor if it's even warranted. I don't feel loved by anyone after all. With you it feels like you say one thing but your actions say something else.  
  
I think you might be antisocial, and I say that with the same level of urgency you would get from saying "I think you might be right handed". It's not a negative but it explains most of the seemingly cold and absent behavior. You're like the last remaining figment of the past that keeps me from moving on. Maybe I should just disappoint you and make you leave me but it's been proven that you'll take it out on yourself and cry over it and I'll have to comfort you. But I wanna put both of us out of our comfort zones. I don't wanna cling to virginal hopes with you anymore that won't ever come true. I'm tired of feeling like I'm catering to you, deforming my very being in a way that suits you while all you do is turn your gaze to me for a while.  
  
**5**  
  
You're sort of nervous, and dreading an upcoming event. One that you were actually looking forward to all year. You hate that the people that're going made you feel this way - not them specifically, they don't care about you, just your thought of these people being there.  
  
You already concluded days ago that you're done trying to interact with people but you already postponed something else just to go there and now you just want to die or something. That's dumb as hell. Not that you would've wanted to go to that postponed event either to be honest. You don't wanna go anywhere. Just wanna sit at home and watch shows. Rot in this house.  
  
**6**  
  
You changed your method, you think you're going back to jumping even if it's going to be inconvenient to everyone around you, and not just because of the method. Everything else is such a hassle. The strongest challenge here is overcoming your survival instinct. That day where you wholly accepted you'll die by your own hands recently is the day your brain started to give you arbitrary reasons to stay alive. Like 'this isn't so bad after all' moments.  
  
If your brain were a kid you'd be appalled at the galls on the kid to pull shit like this and if you weren't such an Inherently Kind Hearted Being you'd probably beat it up.  
  
You've experienced suicidal ideation for at least fifteen years. It just recently turned from passive to active ideation. You don't want your brain telling you shit about how it's all okay after all. You've been in pain all this time. This town just brings a different form of pain.  
  
You learned several things about yourself: you can't take care of yourself, and you can't run away from your past – that much was obvious to you from the start and not the primary reason you moved out anyways, it just solidified this fact. Even more: people sicken you, hurt you and disappoint you wherever you go, because they're not the problem, _you_ are.   
  
You're experiencing severe avolition. You're still heavily depressed. You're still just barely scraping by. You won't ever experience true happiness. You objectively are better off than most people and still feel this way. You won't let some primitive two pound slob of meat within some mortal flesh prison try to tell you otherwise.

Intellectually, you acknowledge and accept we all are going to die one day, everything decays inevitably, including your existence and your body. Life itself is short and fleeting. Physically, your body is still playing the 'we're invincible' card and how hopeful your future is or some shit. It's so stupid and pathetic.  
  
**7**  
  
So unlike last year's event, you went into this bumping into two dozen people you know, hanging out with them occasionally, but nearly every time fucking off almost five minutes later. You even kissed a guy, it was nothing to write home about but now you'll have something else you _know_ you're missing out on.  
  
You'll probably romanticize this day even though in conclusion you feel pretty average. Mostly embarrassed by how you were acting. It was probably nothing unusual, you're just uncomfortable with being open about yourself. You got two new numbers but fuck knows you'll engage with those guys again. You were just being super awkward and cringy as always, sigh.  
  
It was all objectively decent but in the end you still wanna just sit at home and watch some shows. You're too exhausted for people. Well honestly, you wanna make out with somebody. But that'll never happen.  
  
**8**  
  
You find it interesting that upon reading a report from your doctor about a slight aneurysm suspicion in your brain, you just burst up laughing. Imagine if you died from an aneurysm of all things.   
  
**9**  
  
That kiss and the immediate ghosting afterward taught you a valuable lesson.  
  
You give up. You're all alone. You'll be alone for the rest of your life. No one can meet your unrealistically high standards. And when they do, You don't have the energy or confidence to maintain it.  
  
You can daydream about whatever you want: a loving girlfriend who is compatible with you and your ideals, or just hooking up a lot, a group of friends who hang out with you regularly as part of a group / chosen family and who don't use you, being worthy of others' presence… it'll never work out. This will never happen. You're alone. It's your fucking fault you're like this.  
  
You need to cut off all dies and get debilitated by the inevitable fallout of having no one to aid you. You need to leave. You deserve it.  
  
You don't want to do anything anymore.

**10**  
  
You're trying to look at your dilemma from a different angle. It's possible that you desire external validation because you think that's what's _supposed_ to make you happy, even when in truth it doesn't. So you'll try to learn to accept your loneliness. I mean, you've managed social isolation so far, barely. You want all these things _in theory_ but don't/can't physically seek it out.  
  
In truth, you don't want to interact with anyone. You don't want to keep feeling obligated to do as such. You want to stop feeling ashamed of who you are. You want to be comfortable in your own skin. To embrace your attitude and flaws. To stop feeling hurt by people who are intellectually and socially better off. Some people never get it. It truly is better to be all alone than in a crowd of people who only hurt you and hold you back.  
  
You're so tired of it. All the envy, disgust, paranoia, anger, spite, you don't need any of it. You need to filter out what you're doing solely out of obligation. What you _think_ people want out of you. What you used to think people expected of you.  
  
No one respects you or expects you to do great things. You're not made for great things. You're all alone, and that's fine. It's great. You'll tell yourself that as many times as you need until you really believe it. You haven't changed a bit since you were a little child. It's up to you. It's not up to anyone else. You're all you have. The least you can do is learn to enjoy your own company more, and embrace the loneliness. You're a loner, society despises that, but the baggage of external viewpoints has always been poisonous to you. You need to learn to be fine on your own.  
  
So, your recent objective will be met with this new lens on things. You don't need anyone. You need to stop expecting things from anyone. Trying your best to appeal to others isn't enough because no one will ever accept you.  
  
You need to accept yourself though, because no one else will. You need to stop approaching things with the expectation that more will come from it. Because it won't. Everything is ultimately disappointing. Everyone will inevitably let you down. That's just how it is.  
  
Your pain is unfounded because it's left unheard. It's like that riddle: if you scream in a forest and no one was out to hear it, did you really scream? You personally think in the screamer's view they definitely did and the pain is valid, but you acknowledge the aspect of being externally perceived plays a huge role on how you internalise experiences.  
  
Deep in your bones, you weren't made to be happy or social. It goes against your bodily wiring or some shit. You're too socially inept, emotionally stunted, etc etc. People like you are out there.  
  
You're sick of feeling hurt all the time. Pain is a self-evident fact of your life at this point. You find suffering inherent to life. That people are inherently violent and cold. Only out for themselves. We all try to pretend we're happy as we're walking closer and closer towards death.  
  
This is all a farce. A delusion we play in the grand theatre play called life, except there's no audience. We sure hope there is, beyond the lights of the stage where the shadows loom over us, over the theatre. Nothing awaits us there. Nothing. And we keep playing along. It's all _purposeless_, so, so pointless. You don't say this in a way where you demand pity from it. This world is dying constantly. That's just how it is. You can't believe you demanded from yourself to play along. You don't want to play along! You question everything all the time.  
  
There's a phenomenon, that definitely has a name but it escapes you, where the individual thinks they're smarter than the general population is. Fuck knows how that happens, because as every individual thinks that, the individual is also part of the general population to another individual's eyes.  
  
We all find each other stupid and inferior. We all justify our own actions, but if someone else does it, their behavior was uncalled for and not thought through. This applies to every single one of us. Obviously you're aware of this phenomenon, you're not any smarter than your circle of interactions. In fact, you know you're dumber. Still you're sick of everyone. Is this a universal experience? Is this the human condition?  
  
You shouldn't pull anyone down with you as you're falling into the abyss. You're fated to drown. You don't see the point in pretending you're optimistic or idealistic on the outside since you're not. It's already hard to keep secret just how much you want to kill yourself, how little you feel when you hear of tragedies by now.  
  
People can die for all you care. That's tragic in itself. How did it end up like this? You can't say for sure your empathy is running dry, but if someone is in pain, it's more of a nuisance to you by now. This applies to your own pain too. You can die for all you care. Everything is just a hassle. Pretending to care is a chore.  
  
**11**  
  
Here's another hot take: you can't change… and maybe that's fine? Continuous self development is overrated. Being rational is overrated. It's possible that's not what you need. You try to reason your way through your pain, but it keeps getting muddled into emotionality because you lost the power of listening to your gut. Maybe you oughta change your trajectory some more.  
  
You think of the multiple facets in your life and what you think vs. what you feel about them.  
  
You think since high school you've been working up to this, you worked hard to get into this school even though it wasn't exactly the one you were gunning for. But this was your goal, encouraged by your mother though. If you quit, that's five years wasted. Not that the rest of your life wasn't wasted. But you need to graduate, just so you can prove that you can graduate. And so you don't have to work. You already know you're incapable of work under these capitalist conditions. You're too sick.  
  
You have to participate because sitting idly by as disasters happen around the world at this time in history is just as terrible as participating in the disaster itself. Sadly it's up to the commonfolk to upend the current system and save the world. You feel obligated to do your part.  
  
It's better than having no one. You need to engage with them more and be nice in order to not be socially isolated or disliked.  
  
They're your financial anchor and the only ones who ultimately have your back.  
  
They're kind to you and have been here longer than anyone, longer than you expected anyone to put up with you. You're still just an afterthought, but again, it's better than being completely alone. Leaving them is unfounded because you have no real reasons outside of being a coward shit.   
  
You need this in order to keep in contact with people, to make calls, have an alarm clock, use maps to get places, make tons of unnecessary photos, read up on stuff on the way.  
  
Great resource, pool of connections/networking, and helps to learn skills quicker.  
  
Your quasi 'relationship' with her is not as bad as you make it out to be. She's the backbone to your extreme loneliness, the only one you had sometimes.  
  
You should be romantically and sexually active, all your peers are. But you're too fucked up to maintain a relationship. You're lonely but you know this won't fix it.   
  
You're a spoiled lazy weak manchild.  
  
But you feel like you dislike this field and already concluded you would not be working under it, unless you're a freelancer. Even as you were applying for this it reminded you too much of your old school and you weren't to excited about it. It almost feels like getting here wasn't really worth it.  
  
You don't want to do any of this. Everyone is such a loser in a way. They do too little for your taste. Just sitting around. They showed you that people can care about you sometimes but you don't think it outweighs the hurt you've experienced. You literally broke your bones because of this shit. And for what? You think the world is going to end anyways. You need to leave it behind.  
  
They suck. You can't really stand most of them. They're all better than you. You try so hard but it just never works out.   
  
If you weren't so dependent on them you'd never want to see any of them again.  
  
They're holding you back, or _you're_ holding _them_ back. You don't feel deeply connected to any of them. You feel like you're running after them or being left behind. They don't need you like you need them. That's why you have to leave. That thought alone hurts.  
  
You hate how dependent you are on this block of shit. You want to stop feeling compelled to open it to see if you have any new notifications only to see no one's reaching out to you, not that you do much to encourage that action anyways. You want to delete everything on it and leave it at home so you can stop looking at it.  
  
You don't enjoy this experience as much as you probably should. You don't take advantage of the resources because you're too exhausted to even leave your bed most days. Can't even cook for yourself. You don't honestly want to do any of it, you just need to acquire a productive skill for the job market because you don't currently have any.  
  
The relationship hurts you. She hurts you. You don't want to talk to her. Promising to be by her side for the rest of your life was a big mistake. To be fair, you made this promise as a dumb teen anyways. But you continued it onto early adulthood. You want to break up with her and move on from feeling pissed/disappointed at you and your interactions after the fact. You're not reaching her the way you want/need and you guess you're settling? But it's not fair to either of you. This needs to end.  
  
You don't know if you're ready to be involved with people in that way. You can't even maintain casual acquaintanceships. You don't want anyone to see you in such a vulnerable, intimate state. You're just ashamed because you think social expectations want you to go wild until you're like forty or something. Yes, you want a warm body to cuddle with, but you don't think you can even feel/experience love the way normal people do.  
  
You don't even think love exists at all. It's a terrible, primitive, always-changing social construct that everyone's worse off for in your opinion. It's utter bullshit. Same with sex. Sex is the most vile, selfish thing out there. You don't want to owe anyone your fucking body. It's the only one thing that still remains your own. So don't fucking touch me.  
  
You wish you could engage in more risky behavior and stop being so stuck-up and people pleasing.  
  
You want to be your own person. You want to beat somebody up. You want to live outside of conventional wisdom and keep surviving. Take more chances. But you're too weak. You'll never be the person you want to be because what's holding you back is yourself. You're so wise but so, so naive at the same time. You hate it.  
  
You're not safe because you cannot protect yourself. That's why you hold back on revealing your fears. People can and will use it against you. If you don't pay attention, it already goes wrong. Your behavior goes wrong. You always need to be alert to how you're supposed to act in a situation.  
  
You don't even know who you truly are. What do you want? What do you _need_? You can't hear your own thoughts anymore. You're just thinking these things as they come, you don't even know if they're truly yours or if you're following the cliché they encourage in a fictional sense. It's so tiring.  
  
You don't know how to fix yourself to improve your life. It doesn't work like that. You're sick of people gaslighting you, of society telling you it's your fault you're like this. You're fucking trying. Unlike most people. Most people don't need to try at all.  
  
You're just fucking dying. You want to escape. You daydream about leaving your former life behind and starting anew. Except you know it won't work, because you can run from your life but you can't run from yourself. Your problematic behavior will manifest itself in any location you're in. You're broken beyond repair, and not in a romanticized way. You're just messed up, period. You want to be selfish and live your own life while you can.  
  
Fuck the rest. You wish you could feel that. You're sick of feeling like you're wrong. Like you're inherently a monster. You're not accepted. You never will be.  
  
You wish you could hear what your subconscious is thinking. So far all you hear is "I don't want to do any of this" but you have to do _something_ with your life don't you? It's so irritating and confusing.  
  
**12**  
  
You need help.  
  
**13**  
  
You skipped out on meeting with people yesterday. Initially, possibly due to habit, you felt bad and almost obligated to go. It people are socialising, you should tag along, right?  
  
Once the event was happening, you didn't feel bad however. It felt like any other day. Even the comments they made online as they were hanging out didn't make you feel like you were missing out on anything. This happened a few days ago too, when they went for a few drinks. You didn't want to go but felt like you had to. But once you skipped out on it you immediately forgot about it and didn't miss out on anything.  
  
That's probably nothing new but you forced yourself into the habit of almost always tagging along whenever you were invited, the few times you were anyways.  
  
**14**  
  
This scar is a physical reminder of how pushing yourself to your limits will stick for the rest of your life, however short it is.  
  
**15**  
  
You're just assuming every single person in this world feels the way you do, you're just incredibly below average at coping with it than other humans. This isn't the movies, there's no cute girl who will save you or whatever, or a group of friends who will fight for you. You're weak and on your own.  
  
**16**  
  
New consideration: you have no personality and don't have what it takes to be charming, sociable and funny. That's the card you've been dealt with.  
  
You're not even mad, it just explains a lot.  
  
**17**  
  
All your friendless conclusions these past days, this time in cohesive list form.  
  
1\. You're a tryhard

2\. You're too negative

3\. Bad at picking social cues

4\. Selfish

5\. Assume there's a hidden agenda behind everything people do and is about you

6\. Whiny as fuck

7\. Psychological barriers

8\. Boring conversationalist

9\. You drain people

10\. Wrong crowd

11\. Argue

12\. You only pay attention to friends when it's convenient

13\. Insecure and jealous

14\. Lower/higher social status

15\. Introvert

16\. Fake

17\. Too demanding

18\. Not making the effort  
  
You're toxic.  
  
**18**  
  
What's holding you back from doing what you want to do?  
  
**19**  
  
You were going to write down about how it's not just introversion but social ahnedonia, but as much as you're pro self-diagnosis you're sick of assigning disorders to yourself to explain your behavior. You wish you had a clear cut answer to what you're feeling and experiencing.  
  
**20**  
  
A reminder before you go to visit your family who will inevitably shame you for what are clearly heavily depressive symptoms:

\- You're sick and it's not something you can just 'think positive' away

\- You tried and shouldn't over-exert yourself

\- You're all alone and their opinions are total shit  
  
**21**  
  
You're allowed to fail. You're suffering and will keep suffering.  
  
**22**  
  
You were more reasonable and sensible as a teenager. Something got lost along the way. Something that happens to everyone as they reach adulthood. Something disappointing. You think it's the capability of being able to look outside the box. But now you're a hundred percent part of that box and lost sight of the life lessons you learnt as a kid. You officially joined the herd and your true self gets lost in the dust.  
  
You sometimes feel you're not an adult but you absolutely are. You've lost what held you together in childhood and puberty. More and more of the regrets piled up. You think it's just that hindsight is a bitch. Are you really yourself at this point? You haven't developed mentally in a decade but something still changed. It's nearly tangible. Part of you still tries to resist but it's inevitable.  
  
You've become one of those adults who have given up. The adult teenagers dread or fear becoming. The one that makes teenagers refuse to speak up about their thoughts because they'll know adults just can't understand. It's a very visible rift between us. While you do agree that 'adulthood' is a concept concocted by society, it still has real consequences on how we grow up, for the worse in your honest opinion.  
  
It's the fear of consequence. It's understanding the long-lasting consequences of your actions but not grasping the scale of it. It's when you see an extremely long path ahead of you and every step of the way gets heavier. Your walls get higher and higher. You can't even see yourself anymore. Nothing is there.  
  
You kinda get why people glorify youth now.  
  
It's nothing special when a twenty year old thinks these things. In fact, it's pretty immature. What you thought about at age twelve is what interests you. What differentiates kids from adults?  
  
The bigger picture that comes from sheer experience isn't there, but kids aren't stupid. They know more than adults do because they're not filtered by what's been forced down their throats for multiple decades yet. Kids can be just as violent, cunning, goal-oriented, introspective, etc as adults. It's just in a different league. It's more in a self-evident way. Not in a performative way. Do you get it? Your life isn't just yours anymore. You got things you need to do and responsibilities that'll just increase as you age. You can't hide anymore and think only of yourself.  
  
There's wisdom in naiveté. A grasp of the world that disappears as you become an adult. It's like losing your eyesight as you age, taken metaphorically. You don't want any of this baggage. You want to go back to being self assured, standing up for yourself, feeling useless yes but still saying what you truly think out loud. Understanding your own narrative through your own lens.  
  
You were definitely aware you were 'wasting your youth' as society would categorise it when you were a teenager. Still, it's the experiences you've had that shaped you into the fucking mess you are today. You think you're sort of obsessed with the concept.  
  
As said, what went through your mind at age twelve? You have some of the creative artefacts, but those are just the tangible products of your imagination. Your values, ideology, view of the world and the people around you, are these gone for good? If by any chance you do reach age thirty, will you think the same of your present self? That you're currently someone who has a tighter grasp on reality than who you will become? Oh, God. There's just too much to do. You're sick of it. It will never end, will it?  
  
None of this is new. You've known this since you were a teen.  
  
The world just keeps expanding and it's too much.  
  
**23**  
  
Turns out you've been stonewalling your partner.  
  
**24**  
  
As you're listening to music you listened to years and years ago, you realize once again that music is the one remaining thing that can bring you just a fraction closer to what you've felt back when you listened to particular songs constantly. It's like the spirit of the soul carries your past thoughts with it. You can vaguely imagine, these were yours interests at the time and what went through your mind, what bothered you, etc. You think you got an adjacent feeling when you played that video game from your childhood recently and saw the save states from nearly a decade ago. Your past self has left a 'physical' presence for future you to follow. Without a conclusion. It's like bread crumbs.  
  
You wonder what you'd think of these conclusions in five to ten years time. Valuable? A waste of time? Priceless? Useless? Profound? Stupid?  
  
**25**  
  
You don't want to wait for that elusive, vague 'some day' to get better. You don't want to return to your family and regress from all the progress you've made lately. You want to destroy yourself but don't want the pieces to be falsely interpreted by biased outsiders. You want to feel in control yet your body is barely surviving.  
  
You want to have existed as you, without others flailing with their own opinions. Don't get the wrong idea, but… that's just how it's been this whole time, hasn't it? You want to be in control of your own narrative but it's not even up to you, it never was. People act like they know you, know your life better than you. You've been left behind in your own mind.  
  
You wonder, do you even come off as someone who went through trauma? Would people even care enough to connect the dots? People are so preoccupied with themselves. That includes you. You have nothing new or groundbreaking to say.  
  
As a teenager, adults and society at large tell you all your feelings are 'just a phase'. Way to gaslight an entire age group, by the way. Those feelings were probably left unprocessed. Your distrust at anyone and putting up walls. Despising your parents. Having difficulties getting out of bed. Desperately wanting to run away. Dreaming. Having lost the will to live at a young, young age.  
  
What happened to you? Who did this to you? You're terrified of the possibilities. You already have a theory, just from the sheer side-effects of it, but no memories to prove it. You left yourself behind again. Can't do anything. Can't remember anything beyond one week ago, can barely stand up for ten minutes at a time to take care of the household. Conditioning people to not care about you. Shutting down.  
  
Are you doing all that to yourself because you're fucking bored? You're not enjoying any of it. For attention? – As an aside, what's so bad about needing attention as long as you ask for it in a healthy way. Not that your way is healthy.  
  
In the end, you're not on anyone's mind because it's entirely your fault or whatever.  
  
You're sick of the notion that you're a hundred percent responsible for your life circumstances. That's not how the world works. This is not a meritocracy. Economically, you've been put above eighty percent of other living, breathing human life out of pure luck. It's the world's very own pain lottery.  
  
A while ago you were mourning the loss of life and the destruction of nature itself by humanity, but lately that thought shifted to you being grateful this tragic race will come to an end.  
  
Seriously, life is built entirely on consuming other life. Sometimes it freaks you out. It's just so fucked up: we depend on literally devouring other life forms to maintain our own. We literally cannot survive without absorbing another living/existing thing's essence. We have no choice in the matter. You can't express how all-encompassing this is. The entire universe relies on it.  
  
What determined that you inhabit this body in particular? You think consciousness is built from nothing and is randomized. But just the fact that you can acknowledge you've existed for a fraction of time, and have not existed beforehand or won't afterwards? You're all flesh and bones. Blood flowing through your body. The cells and nerves. There's nothing intangible about your life. Everything is informed by your physical manifestation. This includes 'consciousness' or 'soul'. It's just the nerves in your brain reacting to outside stimuli.  
  
What you're saying is nothing new. Your brain tries to ignore it or cancel it out. Your body is not yours.  
  
Whoever philosopher said existence is a deterministic curse had a point (and you hesitate to give old white men further validation than they (sometimes undeservingly) already have) (yes it was definitely some white man like everything else shoehorned into mainstream history).  
  
You're just tired. And hungry.  
  
**26 **  
  
These thoughts should set you free, don't they? You're not tied to anything outside of your mind. Of course this excludes survival, you mean it in the rawest form where you can just head out, walk to the woods and… stay there until you die from incompetence. You can just do that. You could drop everything, burn everything to the ground and fly to Malaysia. And then die there. Ha.  
  
Yet it feels more like a curse than anything. You understand why ignorance is bliss. You wish you didn't think all these things. You wish you could either blindly go through the motions, but that makes neoliberal capitalism win, or just kill your sad existence already.  
  
**27**  
  
By the way, you find it hilarious how you got super destructive and catastrophising over some meaningless kiss and the guy supposedly ghosting you afterward and applying it to the entire world not caring. Classic you. Especially since the guy actually did write back ages later but is being super boring, so now you're the one who doesn't want to engage with him and are gray-rocking him. Fucking hypocrite.  
  
You love little moments like these because they make you understand easier why people think you're a joke. Cus you're acting like one. It's so funny. Expectations =/= reality, man.  
  
It's also possible you were being hyperbolic on purpose and just forgot. That would be just as iconic, honestly.  
  
**28**  
  
Your favorite dream is to run away from it all.  
  
**29**  
  
You were clearly traumatized as a kid but had your visible symptoms continually dismissed.  
  
"This kid is acting out in the only way it knows how, it's mentally stunted, let's put it into a special needs school for its cries for help."  
  
**30**  
  
Think of good things that currently exist, not so good things, and things you say you want but don't have.  
  
**31**  
  
This is gonna sound pretentious like everything else you think but you'd liken your relationship to others with being a shooting star. You show up for a short amount of time and shine bright, then disappear just as quickly and forever.  
  
Again, conditioning yourself to acknowledging it's all your fault. You're very short-term and hate commitments and responsibility. You're laying it out here.  
  
If it goes on for too long people just realise you're obnoxious. Or that's self-projection talking. You realise yourself that you're just obnoxious and can't stand the 'pressure' of maintaining a relationship. Great.  
  
**32**  
  
You don't owe white people fucking anything.  
  
**33**  
  
You've lost the race. You're alone. You never learned how to not be a dick and have no incentive to improve.  
  
You've been abandoned by God.  
  
Or you've abandoned God.  
  
**34**  
  
You lie constantly. To yourself and others. It's reached the point where you can't keep up anymore. So many lies you've told. Pathological lies, impulsive lies, lies by omission, the worst part is, you can't really control it. You default to telling lies or acting a certain part. It's bound to catch up to you.  
  
How much do people recognise your lies? You've been called mysterious, but what if it's an underlying mistrust? The contrary is even worse: what if people don't even realise how much you're lying? This is less likely than the former, though. People must know by now, don't they?  
  
**35**  
  
Sometimes it got so hard to make people pay attention to you.  
  
**36**  
  
You having moved on from the asshole situation doesn't invalidate and does not remove the experience and pain you've had. Don't forget that. You're over it but you were genuinely, physically hurt by that situation. The hurt might be gone but it was still real, never forget that.  
  
But still, you're a very toxic, self-centered person.  
  
Hindsight is such a bitch.  
  
**37**  
  
You shit on yourself a lot but you're also stronger than you give yourself credit for.  
  
**38**  
  
Being alone, reading comics, munching on snacks, making yourself some food, it feels great.  
  
**39**  
  
You discovered a private text from about four years ago, in which you said you're a terrible person. Everyone is better than you. You don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve to live. You're worthless, useless, annoying, weird, pathetic. You're the perfect example of how to be an awful and horrible person.  
  
You try, but you always do bad. Everyone is better than you. You're just this ugly black sheep that nobody has space for. Because why should anyone? You're a terrible person. Repetitive, annoying, stupid, selfish, repulsive, impulsive, unfunny, odd, pathetic, boring, useless. You can't believe you still try. It doesn't even seem like you try. Best part, nobody cares. Nobody gives a single crap what you do. It's because it's not worth it, you're not worth it. And everyone's smart enough to know that. Your issues are too small and inferior to care about. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.  
  
**40**  
  
You don't think you're strong enough to live much longer. The earth is dying. Everyone is depressed and anxious. The economy is unstable. Countries across the world are decaying into fascism. It'll only get worse from here. There's no use in trying anymore. There never has been.  
  
**41**  
  
You were at some resort (basically a small hostel building with rented rooms for ourselves) for a 'trip'.  
  
You guys walked to some place at around 2am where you were gonna stay and sleep over for a day, and people reminded you constantly to not forget to pack your sleeping bag + something else important. As you made your way through the city and arrived at the spot, you realised you did forget your sleeping bag + whatever you needed, so You told them you'd walk back real quick.  
  
It was 2:24am and you had set off at 2:00am, you thought maybe you'd be faster since it wasn't gonna be group-speed. The 'supervisor' gave you the key chain with the key to the resort building on it.  
  
The road was pretty easy, just long, mostly just straight ahead. Almost no one was on the streets. There was an intersection with a building that had giant strobe lights that you had to cover your eyes from because it was really flashy. You were glad your epilepsy isn't photosensitive but were still a bit worried.  
  
Nearing the goal, you saw some guy facing an apartment entrance crying his soul out. You walked up to him and asked him what's wrong. He tried to talk through his sobs that it's nothing and that he's okay, you think. You were too worried to leave him alone like that, what if he killed himself, so you offered him to hang out at the resort and make him tea. Once he calmed down a bit he said yes. So you rounded the corner and entered the building, headed to the kitchen as he sat down at the kitchen table a room in front.  
  
You asked him if he had a favorite tea and immediately regretted asking since you weren't even sure they had that many varieties. He said barley tea. Turned out they had a whole stock of different teas. As you kept looking for barley tea you ended up accidentally making him food instead of heating the water and stuff. So you tried to pack it all so you could hide it for later and it was a mess, but ultimately it was a rice dish with some of the instant-food you eat in real life with the sweet potatoes in them. You handed it to him, he ate it up and said thanks for the food as he returned the plate to you. You still haven't made him the tea but were on your way.  
  
You asked him for his name, and he literally had the same name as you, and the third person suddenly appearing had the same name too, what a coincidence. He seemed to be doing better so you talked to him from the kitchen about things, until the supervisor appeared. She had come over, twice, and by the second time was super pissed that it was taking so long and she was getting worried about you. So you think she basically kicked the east asian guy and random white girl out and we headed our way.  
  
You can't believe he trusted you when you asked him to hang out in an _empty resort in the middle of the night_. But if you were in his state, you wouldn't really care either. He had seemed to bask in the company and you probably made a new friend from the experience, even though you left immediately after. Well, you didn't exchange numbers, so it was a one time thing and never again. Will never see him again since it was just a dream anyways.  
  
**42**  
  
You're not worth saving.  
  
**43**  
  
Read up on dreams. Said bright light dreams are sometimes common for those who are near death.  
  
**44**  
  
It's probably a really small, superficial thing that's holding you back. You're not what society wants right now. And interacting with people makes you so uncomfortable now, knowing you're such a self-centered, attention-seeking asshole with no redeeming qualities. You don't want to bother anyone. You don't want to be bothered by anyone. You just want to embrace your weirdness by yourself.  
  
**45**  
  
You can't figure out why people don't like you. If it's because you're an asshole, other people are assholes and can have plenty of friends despite that. What are you doing wrong? Are you a pushover? Clingy? Awkward? Cringy? Just _that_ irrelevant? Do you really offer _that_ little? Nothing, anything at all? Can people smell the desperation on you? God, you could die.  
  
**46**  
  
You understand why people hurt so much when they see a happy couple in public, You feel it too. What fucked up, wretched world is this that this level of envy exists in the first place? That not everyone, nearly no one, can achieve a happy, satisfying ending? Wanting others to be worse off than you for it?  
  
**47**  
  
You ask yourself why you feel so lonely but can't handle interacting with people for longer than two minutes. You're pretty sure people forget you exist the second you leave their vision.  
  
Should that be liberating?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **x** https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/bering-in-mind/being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-to-want-to-kill-yourself/


	3. an entity that never sleeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It feels so superficial now. As if you've weathered the storm but I'm still caught in it, and you left me behind._

**1**  
  
There were times, very short fragments of time, where you were close to being normal, but it's always been just out of reach. You'll never even get there.  
  
**2**  
  
No one will miss you. No one will remember you. No one will need you.  
  
**3**  
  
He cocks his head to the side as he regards the man in front of him. He smirks. The other man liked to put him at a distance, but they weren't so different. "We string this complex web of lies to trap others with."  
  
**4**  
  
"Sex and love are commodities."  
  
**5**  
  
Years later he looks up at him. "I love you exactly the way you love me. It's just an empty love."  
  
**6**  
  
Your skin is just a curtain for the pile of flesh you are.  
  
**7**  
  
This is all a game you're incapable of playing.  
  
**8**  
  
You can't stop wording your thoughts anymore.  
  
**9**  
  
You can't understand hookup culture. You'd be a hypocrite to judge anyone for it, people can do what they want, just personally, it's just so... it's almost lifeless. It's just meat slapping against each other for several minutes. It doesn't mean anything in the end.  
  
You don't really know what the big deal is for you. Maybe that mindset would change if you actually got to it, kinda like how after your first kiss you got hungry to try more, but we all know that's not gonna happen. But for now you can't imagine giving yourself so completely to a stranger without it _meaning_ anything. Not even just romantic, platonic or sappy shit like that. Your body just becomes a means to an end for a night and that's it. People using each other indefinitely in its most visceral form.  
  
Sometimes you wonder if people can deduce from your behavior that you're a touchless loser who doesn't know shit and that's (part of) why they look down on you. You find society's relationship to sex unhealthy. Whether it's conservative or liberal or whatever shit. It's inherently unhealthy. You're probably just bitter that this is a game you can never play along to or will never fundamentally understand. You'd be fine if it weren't such a big deal socially because it's such a huge part of society and what shapes us and our relationships… and you just… can't do it. You can't. You're already an outsider freak and this just makes it worse. Why can't you just be fucking normal.  
  
**10**  
  
Every thought remains unfinished.  
  
**11**  
  
You don't even want sex for its own sake…you see it as a means to prove you're worth sex and are competent enough to obtain and engage in sex, you guess. To prove something. To prove you're normal. But you're not. You never will be.  
  
Can you call it peer pressure if no one's really pressuring you? But then again, you are being pressured, aren't you? By the unending presence of sex _everywhere_. Everything is informed by sex.  
  
You know you're not the only one not getting it but it sure as hell feels that way. You should've just let those guys in the past fuck you instead of being a picky shit because by now you're just working at a net loss. Virgin at twenty means you failed. And don't come with the "it's totally fine!!" bullshit. We all know an adult not having sex is considered a freak. And you're not an incel/volcel either. You don't hate women nor do you want to kill them for having sex or see them as mere fuck toys.  
  
Just admitting you're a virgin is super cringy, and everyone can tell and is laughing at you for it. Yes, you're a loser even in this regard, what else is new. You find sex as a concept disgusting in every aspect and still crave it as a form of validation. How stupid _is_ _that_. Why do you tie your self-worth to sex? That's a rhetorical question, you know exactly why. It just feels so alienating. Isolating. Knowing you're incapable of letting people touch you. Society deeming you broken for it.  
  
You can't do it. You can't be the wild partygoer who drinks herself sick every night till 4am. Who goes out with one of your four groups of friends of choice somewhere else every night. Knowing you're wholly a part of your peer group, going through some hardships but knowing that's normal, that you're not alone in this. Experiencing youthful foolishness, vandalism and screaming into the night in joy or what else. Macking on someone you just met at a party in the kitchen after having taken molly or whatever, you don't know what the fuck people your age do. You barely have the energy to get out of bed. And it's your fault. It's all your fault.  
  
You can already hear people laughing their asses off hearing this. Who the fuck does this guy think he is. He thinks he's that poor off? Literally too incompetent to even maintain eye contact with another flesh being, you expect anything out of your measly existence? Hilarious. Weird is all you'll ever be. A lonely freak. No one has wanted to interact with you since day one. What makes you think this'll be any different? You've been doomed since day one.  
  
You would've been better off just letting people use you, not resisting, then finally killing yourself at age twelve. Everything beyond that has been superfluous. Delaying the inevitable. You're of not use to anyone. You're wasting everyone's time. Why are you still here.  
  
God, I'm so, so sick of you.  
  
**12**  
  
You still just feel like a kid failing to navigate an adult world. You want everyone to go away.  
  
**13**  
  
That girl forgot about you again. Christ.  
  
You're so over her. Being by yourself is much better than being an afterthought. What makes you so easy to dismiss? You don't know.  
  
**14**  
  
Just work under the assumption that whenever you mention or talk about other people's behavior, You're really just talking about yourself and projecting your own behavior onto them. Just to completely spell it out for you.  
  
**15**  
  
God, you love not going to events.  
  
**16**  
  
What it boils down to is that she's neglectful and you unconsciously respond in kind.  
  
**17**  
  
Okay. You're going to finally do it. You decided you're going to break things off with her.  
  
It'll be awful. This is a relationship that you've been dependent on since your early teens. But you can't ignore the signs anymore. In general, you'd say you've been more unhappy than happy with this for nearly half its runtime. There's no salvaging what's at a person's very core.  
  
Mostly you don't even think you're feeling regretful. You're more concerned with what she'll do with the information she's collected about you this past decade, whether she'll use it against you. Really shows your trust in her, idiot. But there's been an elephant in the room for the entire duration of your relationship, since you were essentially kids, and that's that this relationship isn't…healthy. Abusive is a very strong word you're hesitant to use, it's unlikely but you can't say for sure. What you can say is that she makes you feel lonely and unattended to.  
  
It's been like that this whole fucking time and you tried to talk yourself out of it. Talk yourself into thinking this relationship is fine. Maybe it was fine, looking at it from the smokescreen of sharing a few laughs. But now you can't stop thinking of how much of a smartass she is, yet she is ignorant about the most basic of pop culture for example. As a kid, it was endearing, you were patient in explaining, eventually recognising it was a symptom of her been raised as a sheltered kid. Now you're just irritated by her continued ignorance.  
  
You think she's taken for granted that you're here. Well, as said before, you're no fucking puppy that runs after its owner after getting kicked in the dust. Fuck that. This shit is hurting you. She doesn't deserve your half-assed effort at maintaining the relationship, she deserves better. And as you're a broken record: you tried your best here. It didn't work.  
  
Honestly, breaking up will be pretty hurtful and damaging, and you won't do it immediately. You think you'll wait till you can tell your therapist about it and get his input on it. But you're pretty determined. This shit just ain't working out. You feel left out, left behind? By someone who thinks she's better than you. Treats you like you're a…not exactly a child, but someone naive who she can patronise. This whole thing has been an illusion. It feels more like a burden than a friendship.  
  
Your excuses for staying are really superficial too: _it's the longest friendship I've ever had. She could smack talk me as the bad guy. I promised her I'll always be by her side_ (yuck),_ if I leave she'll fall apart._ But let's be real, you have no emotional incentive to stay.  
  
The thought of leaving her doesn't fill you with heartbreak. You just want her gone from your life. Gone with her.. herness. She's not even a bad person. You just lost your last shrivel of patience towards that person. You were always explicit in stating that you're hers. But you based that on the implication that you were equals. She was never yours to begin with.   
  
Apparently you can't work with that. You can't say with a hundred percent certainty, but you think you used words like _great, amazing, funny, perfect_ to describe her ages ago. Now it's words like _neglectful, dismissive, smartass, ignorant._ It's likely that you're using your black-and-white mentality again and just shifted to the other end from affection to detestation. But it's like with your depression and personal identity and everything else: it's been going on for too fucking long to just be a phase.  
  
Barely anything you thought of regarding her recently has been any inkling of positive. Maybe one thing? Granted, you literally never think anything positive about anyone, but she warranted hour long rants about how upset she fucking makes you. She isn't responsible for your feelings, and you're aware you're ruining your own life by slowly but surely cutting off contact with everyone. Maybe you're just bored with how things are and want to rile people up.  
  
You already became close to snappy with your friend. Not the understanding guy anymore. Tired of playing this game. You don't owe people fucking shit. Your childhood was a mistake. You wouldn't even wanna go back in time to change anything. Your childhood in itself is the fucking mistake. Ha.  
  
You shouldn't have grown up like this, not in this area, not with these people, not in such mental isolation. This just keeps getting worse. How has your dilemma with your fucking not-girlfriend ended up being a tirade about how shitty your life is. Great. You feel selfish for thinking so fucking much about yourself in a space that's literally about you.  
  
(You hope someone is having a good laugh over this.)  
  
Case in point, you feel confident in your decision to end this. You need to end everything before you end yourself. Make it clear that with how she treats you (and maybe others? Or is she this way just with you? Do you enable this?) won't get her far. You like to appear loyal, your thoughts are something else. You give people the benefit of the doubt for ages while it breaks you. Done with that. Well…not immediately obviously. This isn't to be taken lightly. She's your oldest friend after all.  
  
As if that fucking matters in the end. She's worlds apart from you.  
  
**18**  
  
You literally don't wanna do anything. It _physically hurts._  
  
**19**  
  
_"Because after years of being told that your memory is not reliable, you begin to depend on what others say truly happened. Nearly every time you felt angry or hurt, it was the person angering or hurting you that you believed had the “real” knowledge of what had transpired."_  
  
**20**  
  
It feels so superficial now. As if you've weathered the storm but I'm still caught in it, and you left me behind.  
  
**21**  
  
It all boils down to you feeling abandoned. Abandoned by society, by your friends, by your family, the world itself, abandoned by love, hope, abandoned by everyone. Left behind to rot.  
  
**22**  
  
I'm not here to teach you the ropes of the world.  
  
**23**  
  
Your love has died a long time ago. You don't truly love anyone.  
  
**24**  
  
Barren streets he walks the path. Water keeps drying out. The physical burden of life as it moves through time. Everything is there but him. Everything is breathing and taking its time. It carries on outside of its awareness of him. His stillness makes it trust him. Wings so translucent, it's as if the skin is crafted by the atmosphere itself, as if your fingers could pass through it if you dared to touch it. Every single corner is alive. It stills. Time passes. He leaves.  
  
**25**  
  
It's official. You're literally too dumb to live.  
  
You'd think you learned your lesson right? The swarm of flies on the ceiling, the mold scare, those tiny bugs that keep popping up in the bathroom that you can't get rid of — and as if you can't help but play out every worst case scenario, now it's fucking larvae. From the fucking food in the trashcan. Because your kitchen traps heat like an oven. You were repulsed by how disgusting that is.  
  
You cleaned it up as best as you could, but that sight is gonna haunt you just like the flies, the mold, and the insects did. And as if fate wants it, all you ever eat lately is instant ramen, and the larvae have a canny resemblance to the dry noodle bits on the floor. Figures. You still haven't mentally recovered. You cleaned up as best you could but you know those fuckers are still lurking somewhere. You removed the carpet entirely. You put it in the garage; if someone steals it, fine by you. Good riddance. Fuck carpets.  
  
Look, you're a very lazy man. This happened entirely because you barely bother to clean. Of course you do it on a surface level, but you haven't deep-cleaned in half a year. All these shitty things happened in the span of just the one year you've lived here so far. That's one freaking year and you're already such a mess.  
  
If anything, this just confirms you're literally incapable of living independently. Everything is always too much and you're always overwhelmed. You don't know how people less competent than you manage it. With less competent, you mean people who intentionally do not put effort into maintaining their homes.  
  
Ergh. You can't stop scratching your skin. The world is so disgusting. And here you bothered to humor the thought of running away to live on the streets, as if that's feasible. It's not a fucking walk in the park, you know, but just. Everything is so disgusting.  
  
You had made yourself food. The last meal you had in the fridge. But your appetite got completely killed.  
  
You think you need to live with roommates, cons be damned.  
  
Now the problem is that you're too lazy to go through the moving procedure.  
  
**26**  
  
There was one option you didn't exhaust, one whose implications haunt you.  
  
You recently rediscovered that MBTI garbage again, yes, you think it's garbage, and there's studies that prove it. But it was still interesting to read into. The worst part is that you can relate strongly to your type and pretty much all your character flaws are explained through it.  
  
You only did an online test, you can't be assed to go deep into the_ cognitive functions_ part or whatever, so you got assigned an INTP.  
  
The summary is that INTPs are the dumbest smart people alive. Sure, smart, but _at what cost_. You barely wanna interact with people, you're so self-consumed, you barely get shit done, you're the weirdos in the bunch no one likes, you procrastinate on everything all the time, are bad with people, lost in thought instead of doing anything tangible and productive, you avoid responsibility like the plague, and have no motivation to do anything in life. You are the ultimate non-doers.  
  
Seeing how INTPs are depicted made you think back on your recent thoughts, the style in which they occur, and just how…there's just no excuses anymore. Everything is entirely informed by your personality. And that's just who you are till you die.  
  
To you, INTP is synonymous with eternal loser. You're under the impression that this is literally the worst type. There's nothing smart about thinking your life away. There's nothing smart about having no one but yourself by your own volition. You still don't think it's real but as you said, the implications haunt you. And then you add fuel to the fire by trying to find and understand the pattern. You're a stereotypical INTP.  
  
You understand why, ages ago, one of your friends used to think you were a badass but stopped taking you serious the moment they heard you're INTP.  
  
It also explained why you can't get along with your best friend. Not the type-compatibility bullshit, just the fact that her type makes her seemingly incapable of expressing outward love. She's the smartass virgin INTJ type. But still gets more shit done than you. Any type does.  
  
Both your types get grouped together a lot as the ultimate non-feelers. Also your type is some sort of magnet for hers.   
  
Your mother has the hero complex INFJ type. Apparently her and your friend's type get along nicely. Got cucked by your own mom. Ha.  
  
**27**  
  
You've started to get rid of some of your old belongings. Not that you'll need it anyways. Ha.  
  
You really are beyond help. Life and the restrictions you've put on yourself really look different once your mental view of how long you have left to live has shrunk.  
  
**28**  
  
You're strong and resourceful. You're tired.  
  
**29**  
  
So you told the group you're leaving and it felt…it felt great.  
  
The entire year you spent building rapport, forming bonds and working on your reputation as a reliable comrade, all down the drain. In the span of one hour.  
  
You had to keep yourself from smiling through the rush of knowing you ruined people's mood. It makes you think you actually like being seen as the villain. You know you have abandonment issues, but apparently you feel a rush from severing ties.  
  
You don't want to forget that you felt joy in this. When they asked you to explain why and you said you didn't want to elaborate, two people said you acted accusatory, and, one year ago it might've been different, but you didn't feel a tiny bit guilty.  
  
The whole year you've been basked in hurt. Their group fucking sucks. They're weak. Call me back when it's better. Most interactions felt like a chore. You're not about that shit. And you don't want to talk yourself into regretting it, because you don't. Are you a sadist? A masochist? You just packed your stuff and dumped it on their collection.  
  
Listen, whatever the _real_ reason is, as it stands, you're broken. You're too broken for this. You tried for a long time, and got hurt, is it your own fault? Sure. But you're sick of dragging others into your baggage just because you can't deal with it on your own. That's why you're severing this tie. You're too insecure in your position, and you just overall feel upset constantly. You're going to kill yourself so what's the point anyways.  
  
This felt like a stepping stone. There's no turning back from this massive…shitshow. And you don't hate yourself for it. That overly emotional guy, the manchild who can't control his emotions, he threw a fit when you told him you're leaving. That frustration he felt, you had no sympathy for it, you just reveled in it. You're horrible. But you don't hate yourself for doing it. You don't feel the need to apologise. You know this makes you a monster. But you're done pretending you're fine.  
  
Causing drama…feels powerful. Like the other gets to feel bad for once. You know everyone feels bad, but as we've established, you're basically an immature two year old.  
  
You couldn't help but draw parallels to your behavior towards your mom growing up. You were constantly at each other's throats.  
  
But did you derive enjoyment out of her suffering?  
  
At one point, you stopped feeling sorrow or grief for how much pain you brought her. Does this extend to your other relationships? You still don't feel regret for sassing your best friend. If she left, whatever. It feels like you got nothing to lose. You mean, of course you do factually, you're irreversibly destroying your relationships. But once you're completely alone…so what? All the more motivation to finally end it.  
  
You won't say it makes it "easier" for the others to cope, because clearly you're set out to hurt people, and ultimately you only hurt them. But, giving yourself this limited time frame has given you the "courage" to act the way you truly want to.  
  
All these people can just fuck off forever! Cue insane laughter.  
  
**30**  
  
Yup, still feels like a weight off your chest.  
  
Nice bonus, someone told you he understands why you left and that the guy who told you you were acting accusatory, though he gets it, was acting sorta dumb.  
  
**31**  
  
You don't have the tools to protect yourself from malintent. Your memory is completely botched, You can't recall anything beyond two days ago. You couldn't grab receipts of someone treating you ill.  
  
**32**  
  
You do love her. You think. Somewhere where the part of you lingers that still feels affection.  
  
**33**  
  
They called you conscientious and you got a bit teary while writing your goodbye letter.  
  
Well, you think your body tried to cry, but just isn't capable of doing it. Whenever you feel the floodgates opening, it's like your body is holding it back from happening. Even if you truly want to cry your heart out, you can't.  
  
Don't forget, they're not your friends. Don't get rose-tinted glasses that filter out the pain you've experienced. You're incapable of maintaining relationships, whomever's fault it is doesn't matter. It's better this way.  
  
**34**  
  
_It's the young waste of space with his headphones on_  
  
**35**  
  
You deleted it. You were excited at first, but during it, felt meh. As in "whatever".  
  
**36**  
  
If God is real, he must be the life of the party. Do you think he derives pleasure in watching human life struggle to get the bare minimum done to survive?  
  
**37**  
  
You never had a celebrity crush. That sort of thing sounds sort of humiliating. You carry this infatuation with you that goes nowhere. Some sort of distant, unrequited love. You can't even call it love. It's like gazing up on a deity that doesn't even know you're there. Doesn't know you exist.  
  
On the other end of the spectrum, unconditional love is praised upon. Sacrificial love. But you think it's dangerous. No matter what the person does, you love them? Life constantly moves, precedents change, minds change. It's like you have no say in how you act towards a person. No assertiveness. Nothing to prove loyalty with, because the 'loyalty' is baked within the confines of being shackled to loving a person _no matter what_.   
  
**38**  
  
People who think we'll survive the end of the world are out of their minds.  
  
**39**  
  
You think you're in love with being alone. You don't want anyone near you and disturb your peace. You're not meant to be with other humans. That's fine. You accept that. You embrace that solitude.  
  
**40**  
  
Honestly, you wish that you could call someone as you were committing suicide to tell them you're about to kill yourself, just to have someone fumble with their attempt to talk you out of it as you resolutely state you're going to do it and they can't stop you. You want that interaction to haunt the person for the rest of their life over how they 'failed' to prevent a death.  
  
Not that it would've mattered much. Your death by your own hands was written in since the beginning of your storyline. Written in the starts if you will. You're getting impatient but you feel it'll happen soon.  
  
**41**  
  
Why are people so obsessed with 'moving forward'? It's always 'move forward, no matter what', even if you can't or truly don't want to. You question the inherent value of it. Who decided that it is? Who truly benefits from it?  
  
**42**  
  
You feel like you've already died.  
  
**43**  
  
You think the world harbors less intimidating power the more you realise that everyone has their own hangups and insecurities and only say things to maintain their illusion of strength.  
  
But everyone has their own narrative bias. Everyone is a child who tries to talk themselves up as the real good guy. Everyone is involved in their own drama and everyone sees themselves as the one true protagonist.  
  
Everyone knows more than you think. Everyone sees themselves as distinct from the masses. Everyone is fucked and disgusting, and everyone's opinion ultimately doesn't matter. Anyone's opinion isn't final. Opinion is just another word for cognitive bias. Everyone is biased. No one is right.  
  
Everyone is just human, and with that come all the flaws, damage, vitriol, personal baggage, and mortality associated with it.  
  
Don't ever hold someone above or beneath yourself. It just isn't true.  
  
**44**  
  
It's hard to explain, but you guess the grass is always greener on the other side. It feels like you weren't meant to grow up the way you did. There's this violence within you that got suppressed.  
  
It's funny but you feel like you should've been a delinquent, raised in a neglectful, hateful household, skipping school to beat people up and smoke stolen cigarettes. Someone who'd be in a circle of messed up co-dependents after running away from home, who borderline on mentally crazy. Verbally abusive. You feel like you should've been someone who grew up learning to fight, defend yourself and how to use a knife or something. There's something so, so stupid in that depiction and you don't wish to romanticise it. There's nothing glorious about it. It just feels more in line with what you're feeling.  
  
But it's the exact opposite of your current condition: You're in higher education, financially secure, with a family that gives you support for your actions.  
  
But it's like there's still something trigger-happy inside you. Something that makes you look someone in the eye and think to yourself "just try and attack me, I dare you." Your fingers twitch when you think about someone talking shit and you telling them to fuck off and daring them to lay a finger on you. You could hurt someone. You could look at the carcass, the mess around you and see it for the mundanity it is.  
  
But you're weak. Physically, you're so underweight you could snap in half from the wind blowing a certain way. Emotionally, you still see yourself as a mere victim of circumstance. In the life you envision, your real self wouldn't stand a chance for even a day.  
  
Just from the blatant fact that you're privileged enough to have a roof over your head and an advanced education already excludes you from the 'demographic'. In fact, it's pretty ignorant and offensive to yearn for it as someone who never had to truly experience the intrinsic hardships of it.  
  
And still, your reality doesn't feel real. You need someone to finally lash out at you, and you need to fight back. You need to see how distant and loveless a peer-group can truly be. You need to break something and not have people make a big deal out of it. You need to scratch skin until it bleeds. Whether it's yours or someone else's. You need to loiter at a public park at night with a group of people, have passerbys on the street look at you with trepidation. Be part of a life the mainstream doesn't want to acknowledge, established as a true outcast, with other outcasts, who are broken and emotionless but still hold each other up.  
  
In that depiction you'd definitely land in jail two weeks in. Ha.  
  
Still somehow better than being where you are now and having to pretend you're okay. You just hope committing suicide in jail is a possibility.  
  
**45**  
  
_Live your life the way you want to, _

_for yourself and not others_  
  
**46**  
  
You understand why people are so harsh on others. It makes it easier to cope with your own shortcomings.  
  
**47**  
  
You feel more relaxed than usual.  
  
**48**  
  
With the way you are now, you can't sustain any long term relations. Especially within a group, You get overly emotional easily, take everything at face value, and look for every little piece of evidence, no matter how delusional, to cut contact. You're a short term being.  
  
You guess, in a way, you've always longed to have reasons that legitimize your suffering. From a standard perspective, you were raised in a loving household, never had to worry about money, and had access to whichever goal you aspired to. There is no valid explanation to why you feel this way. Your pain is unfounded.  
  
You left because these self-aggrandizing, self-martyring thoughts are what's holding you back. You can't even properly manage yourself. You're barely surviving, and not even on your own two feet, you get financial and moral support for fuck's sake! There are people who'd kill to live in your shoes, yet here you stand, barely able to get out of bed (what a weird bunch of phrases in one batch). Don't get me started on your mental deterioration. You give up too easily.  
  
I think you've been harboring a defeatist attitude this whole time. It's unfair to the people who work hard if you surround yourself with them. You don't want to drag them down. Or do you? It's proven you like making people feel bad. So it's more that you can't stand how they make you feel about yourself, because you've already given up.  
  
You get the impression they want to save the world but can't even structure their goals properly. It's pathetic. Everything is going to shit, it's too late. At this point, you just want to watch the world burn.  
  
You keep moving on, but…that's the only thing persevering within you. It feels like you're barely clinging to a hazard rope that's falling apart more and more. It feels like your life is reaching its end and you're going to die soon. That you won't make it to next year. But you've felt that way every year. And yet you feel like you've been dead since you were ten.  
  
That's so fucked up. Is it, though? You're pretty sure everyone's felt that way before, wanting to give up, feeling violence within them, wanting to run away. But they don't because they're strong and know these are just feelings in the grand human condition. It's frankly disrespectful to everyone working hard to have a spoiled brat give up at a moment's notice. That's why you don't deserve to be put on the same level as actual functioning people.  
  
You're too caught up in yourself to earn the sympathy of others. You're in pain and it's your own doing. You need to learn how to manage yourself before you can even dare to do anything else and inadvertently poison people. But that's the issue. You don't work towards self-improvement. You just look for ways to validate your pain in whichever 'rational' way benefits you wallowing in self pity for 50,000 words.  
  
Your self-inflicted pain extends to any social interaction. Any social contact brings pain in the long-term. You can't see anything but your flaws. How can anyone like you after knowing you for any length of time? Like the way you like people less and less the more you know them. Distancing yourself so you can view them as a projection you can merely fantasize upon instead of inevitably witnessing their humanity.  
  
You've cried, hurt yourself, gone through a lot of emotions, endured it. Yeah, you'd like to say you've endured it.  
  
You're so naive. Something becomes tougher than you anticipated and you immediately walk away. You really don't deserve to walk this Earth. And you even portray your inevitable suicide as self-sacrificial. Oh,_ I'm so terrible, it's the only good thing I'd do for others' sake._ Even _you_ are amazed by how fucking arrogant that is. You're disgusting.  
  
But that's just the fucking way you are. You're terrible. You're a monster. You don't deserve to succeed, which is why you never really did. People's expectations of you should remain at an ultimate low. They need to go away and never talk to you again. And that loneliness needs to make you choke. It needs to make you lose sight of the future for good. Not care anymore. Be swallowed up by the depths so deep you feel nothing anymore.  
  
You only ever make stupid decisions. You don't deserve the resources you've been given. You barely do anything with them. You barely do anything but whine. People might say you waste your time but your entire life has been a waste of time, doing more of nothing does little to mitigate it.  
  
You only gaze upon others who have their own pain they cope with. Emphasis on cope. This shit never heals. You just learn to cope. And like with sensitivity to pain being unique to each individual, the level with which you can cope is unique to everyone. You just get butthurt so easily and expect God to coddle you for leading such an oh-so tough life.  
  
Well, God barely spared a glance as he said _get a fucking grip._  
  
You know all this intellectually. You know you're being a piece of shit. Yet it's almost like you can't help yourself. You've given up. You're going to die. None of this matters. Everything was ultimately useless. You don't want to suffer another fifty years on the off-chance you might be happy 'one day'. That doesn't seem worth it. And impossible anyways, given how the Earth's resources are dying and we're on the brink of global apocalypse.  
  
Sigh. You're the ultimate drama king making a mountain out of a molehill. You must be so, so bored with your life. Talk about first world problems. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** 19 - ** https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/gaslighting-is-an-abuse-tactic/  
** 34 - ** guccihighwaters - im so sick of this  



	4. what happened to you - Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> intermission - going back about one yr

**1**  
  
You didn't get that far this whole month. Aside from that, you've been doing volunteer work at the library, working on your portfolio for university, and overall trying to clean up your messy existence.  
  
You've always felt lonely, but this feeling has a sort of different, raw connotation now. If you don't get your shit together now, you never will. A gap year is meant to free you, however you feel trapped in your own expectations and experiences. Your past haunts you. Your future is killing you. Nothing matters.  
  
You just feel you're not who you're meant to be. You want to act reckless, run around in the park at night with friends, try some drugs, do silly shit, maybe kiss a girl.  
  
But you just don't have your shit together. You're stuck feeling this way and are doing too little baby steps to find the light in this prison.  
  
**2**  
  
It's like a constant state of falling out, between apathy and completely losing your shit. You just don't want to do anything, but that's not acceptable in this economy. You can't do this. You're scared your life is already over. That your peak years are over with. That you're living for nothing. That you'll never get out of this shithole.  
  
You don't care if you don't amount to anything. You just want to stop freaking out. You want to stop being held hostage by your fears, your things, your current situation. You want to stop feeling scared. You're so scared. You can't handle this. You just want to be around people who're weird like you, and feel loved.  
  
You just want a fucking future. Any future. You don't care if you end up living in a caravan. You need anything that destroys your naiveté and spoiled way of living, because you're not doing this right. Your mom tried to protect you from the wrongs of life as a kid, but shit's inevitable.  
  
You want to die. You want to stop using that as a coping mechanism. You just want to understand others. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._  
  
**3**  
  
You don't know why you pretend to be mentally ill instead of taking responsibility for your actions.  
  
You're faking it.  
  
It's not executive dysfunction. You're just too lazy and a stupid asshole. You're a fucking dumbass shit who thinks he's holier than thou. You're making your life miserable on purpose for attention.  
  
You're not really suicidal, you're just an attention whore. You're just being a fucking coward. You want to die because you're weak.  
  
You're leading everybody on. You're a fucking fake. You're an arrogant dick who seriously thought he could get away with it. Fucking hell. Fuck.  
  
And again, you're blowing this out of proportion because you're a drama queen. You don't need to read up all that shit about mental health because in truth you don't want to fucking fix yourself. You want to destroy yourself in order to be normal you ass. You fucking pathetic tryhard, you're just distracting yourself. You can't even say you won't amount to anything because it's so defeatist.  
  
Your emotions are all temporary and meaningless. You're worthless.  
  
There's a reason you clam up whenever you try to open up about your "problems" or "struggles". You subconsciously know it's all petty child's play you fucking dick.  
  
None of it is real.  
  
Get over yourself.  
  
_Get over yourself._  
  
**4**  
  
You don't know how it's possible, but every day just kept getting worse.  
  
**5**  
  
You feel like you are stuck in time, not knowing where you'll go or even where you want to be. It all makes you nervous.  
  
What if you're truly just a spoiled asshole? Ha. You got everything handed to you, so you don't know how to fight for what you want. You want things, but you don't have the drive to get them.  
  
You constantly, constantly feel like you're running out of time. You got no future. You just want to live your life in some cheap run down apartment working a temp job in something where you don't have to sit in a shut-in cubicle eight hours a day.  
  
You want to do whatever the fuck you're supposed to do at this age. Party, drink, date, fuck, smoke? These feel like stereotypical portrayals but you really do just want to be normal. You're sick of you.  
  
So scared of everything all the time. You really are a fucking wimp with nothing going for you. You're just another kid who ends up wasting their life and never reaching their full potential. God, what are you going to do? You can't get anything right as you're supposed to. You won't get your fucking shit together. You're ruining your own life by your own hands. Holy fucking shit.  
  
**6**  
  
You're sick of doing nothing, as time ticks by and you keep leeching off your mother. You haven't worked an honest day in your life. You suppose you never will. You falter at the smallest hint of stress.  
  
Going into this field of work, professional art, was a mistake. It's everything you should hate.  
  
How much of what you're going through can be applied to mental illness and how much is just you being pathetic? You're not sixteen anymore. And it's like you're still stuck at age twelve. More is expected of you, and you're just not doing it. No excuses. You're just an asshole who doesn't want to improve. You want to suffer. If I'm to be an ass, let me be one on my own volition and taking responsibility on my own, you say.  
  
And don't drag your mom into this. She's always worked hard.  
  
This is so pathetic. It's an indisputable, objective fact that you're better off dead. You've never meant anything positive to anyone. Heck, your future career, if you even land a job there, cements the fact you will never offer anything worthwhile to society.  
  
Even your sense of language is deteriorating. You can't even do basic maths in your head. You keep distracting yourself. You can't believe you're still making excuses when you're almost god damn twenty.  
  
You have no integrity. Your disability is a farce. You brought this unto yourself. You have no future. You're a liability, a statistic laced with stereotypes. You won't achieve anything worthwhile for yourself. You've led yourself to a life of perpetual stress, self-doubt, insecurity, wasting your time.  
  
Making your talents from a hobby from the peak years of your youth, and arguably your entire life, a career path, was a mistake. It will only get worse, so buckle up, you coward.  
  
You'll be thirty and still reaping the benefits of your mom who just wants to rest. You don't deserve having been born into such a wealthy standard of living, because you're doing nothing with it. You're a joke. You'll get nowhere. The 21st century is truly a hellish speck of time to live in, but most of your problems have been inflicted upon yourself in order to feel better about not doing anything with your life.  
  
**7**  
  
You've got nothing to live for, it feels like. You're a good-for-nothing.  
  
You're so terrible at things that you have to fight to even be average. Can you even make it in the real world in your sorry state? The world doesn't even care, does it? You don't know how you should behave. Well, frankly, you do, but you're still very bad at it. You don't know what to do. You just want to die already. Everything is too much.  
  
**8**  
  
You know you're using suicide as a coward's way out. You know feeling like the world could end at any minute is a symptom of your newfound adolescence. Yet you know that hard work won't always pay off. You know there are things you always have to constantly, constantly be vigilant about. You know pursuing art is a rookie mistake.  
  
**9**  
  
Your mother thinks that you whine, that you seek out bad things in life in order to justify feeling bad. That you go to therapists and give them bullshit information, you didn't express yourself and instead lashed out aggressively and that you love complaining that you're depressed and wanna kill yourself but don't wanna fix it.

She claimed she takes you serious as an adult. Ha. 

She said that all their professional help is useless and that they want to lock you up, pump you with meds to make you a vegetable instead. That you just enjoy suffering, you're doing nothing to seek out enjoyment in life, and other things you forgot even though your argument wasn't even that long ago.

That you ruin her day by accusing her of stuff the second she arrives home, she just wants you to be happy.  
  
Which includes not approaching her with your problems and to stop complaining as far as you get it.  
  
She'll accuse you of putting words in her mouth again but you're hearing it as she's saying it. She feels shame of "having failed you" and wants to hear nothing else that further challenges her authority. You're so fucking tired.  
  
**10**  
  
You don't see the point of being alive. You bring nothing to the table. You're a giant dick to most people. You can't do anything.  
  
Your mom thinks people commit suicide out of the smallest issues when you mentioned a famous musician who took his own life. She wouldn't listen when you said it's almost like it _feels_ like there's no other choice, the helplessness…  
  
Then she said she'd never forgive you if you killed yourself.  
  
As if, in theory, that ignorant statement would stop you.  
  
You think about your death every single day. You're sick of living.  
  
**11**  
  
You don't know what you're doing. There are so many things you want to achieve in life, useless things, but at the same time, you mostly just want to die and end it all.  
  
You're so tired. You're tired of not getting things done. You're tired of standing in your own way. You're tired of not meaning anything useful to anybody. You're tired.  
  
**12**  
  
You need to make a tally on how many times your mom can piss you off in one day.  
  
**13**  
  
This situation fills you with a type of anger that concerns you.  
  
You've been painting all your life. You do it most every day. You know you're doing something wrong, but what, when your friend, who does it as a hobby, is way better than you. When fourteen year old artists get more done than you.  
  
You can't draw a consistent figure to save your life. You can't even hold your pen right and your handwriting is disgusting.  
  
How the fuck could you even _think_ to draw like you want to when it takes you fifteen years to achieve even the bare minimum? This is just a pipe dream, you're not made for this.  
  
Yes, I said it. Talent is real and you'll never have it. You're fucking bitter. You didn't achieve any major improvement in the past couple years. You've got hobbyists who churn out more profitable stuff than you, at age twelve. That you wanted to do this professionally is laughable. You're a joke.  
  
**14**  
  
It's hard wanting to get anything done when all you can think about is wanting to die.  
  
How nothing matters. How the world will end in a decade's time.  
  
**15**  
  
Imagine so desperately trying to be a professional artist but even a peer who does it as a sideline hobby while pursuing a completely different career field does it better than you ever will.  
  
You want to die.  
  
**16**  
  
You're scared, and stressed out at the same time. You're making it worse. You love freaking out. You're tired of having to defend your reality to them. You're scared of reaching out. You want to die and do nothing anymore. You're sick of doing things. You hate being hyper-vigilant. You're not the center of attention. You bring nothing to the table.  
  
You're selfish for not offing yourself and doing everyone a favor by fucking off already. You're wasting everyone's time. You can never be good. You're a terrible person and a waste of resources. You just hurt.  
  
Why are you like this. Why are you here. Why are you doing this to yourself. You just love blowing stuff out of proportion. You can't take it anymore. You're hopeless.  
  
**16**  
  
You're having a mental breakdown. That's what it is.  
  
**17**  
  
Reading the old text messages again fucked you up because the_ first thing_ you recommended she do was come clean and then only when she suggested she couldn't come clean did you say she could take a week. She made it appear like the former advice didn't happen.  
  
There was also a segment where she tried to pit you against someone, and you only didn't take the bait then because you genuinely didn't know enough about that person to make any statements about her.  
  
When he came to you and called you a disgusting monster, you were devastated.  
  
You were fond of him and felt you were on the same page on several things, and then he said he might forgive her. You won't put it against him since he can do what he wants, but you're not there yet. All this taught you is that you can't trust people and your kindness will be used against you. That you haven't changed at all since you were a kid and are still easy to manipulate.  
  
You had several breakdowns during this, and your suicidal and self-deprecating thoughts were stronger. You had nothing to say to her final apology letter since you didn't want to say any more that could be used against you. You told her you felt terrible for having enabled her, and started to feel more and more like you were an unaware accomplice. Her final letter reflects this.  
  
You had opened up to her about several things you haven't told anyone else in the group. You think you left her off the hook too easily. Her behavior had you fuming. That she hurt him, and used you as additional fodder, made you feel you can only ever hurt people.  
  
And pretending you're fine got more difficult. There are so many times _"I want to die"_ is on the tip of your tongue but won't leave your mouth. You feel you can never explain yourself, or help anyone when it matters. You're despicable.  
  
**18**  
  
You seriously want to die. You can't take this. Why are you doing this? You're good for nothing. You're useless. You should die. You'll never be good. Fuck.  
  
**19**  
  
You don't even know how you fool anyone into thinking you're passionate if you don't even believe it yourself.  
  
You're just going through the motions and are only alive through obligation.  
  
You genuinely want to die.  
  
You're just faking being depressed to justify being depressed. You hate this world.  
  
This world is absolute hell.  
  
You want to fucking kill yourself.  
  
**20**  
  
You feel trapped. Like you're in a perpetual state of never changing and never learning from your mistakes.  
  
Do you want to be miserable? You can't kill yourself because your mother worked hard to secure a future for you and you'll apparently inherit part of the house, and you're forced to own the rights to them till you're like eighty.  
  
You can't stand the thought of lasting that long.  
  
You got a loving (harmful) mother & family, you're financially stable with a decent apartment in a decent, good looking small-ish city.  
  
Yet you want to fucking kill yourself. You want a rope around your neck. You want to jump off the bridge. You want to give up. You're good for nothing. Too often do you think about when you were a kid and you stood at the train station next to the field and thought of ending it there. You're starting to think you should have.  
  
You're weak and shouldn't trust anyone. You're obsessed with keeping mementos of your past yet at the same time want to forget everything. You want everyone to forget you.  
  
You just want a job. It just happens that you picked the worst possible industry to pursue since you've always been bad at this and will never be even mediocre.  
  
It was a mistake. You were a mistake. You want to fucking die. You don't want to keep living.  
  
You're spoiled and have such a good life yet you're like this. _Please kill me._ You're a fucking mistake. _Let me die._ You don't want to exist. You're a fraud and a failure in every way. You're deteriorating. _Please fucking kill me._  
  
**21**  
  
You should stop daydreaming and start having your life in order. You're just making this more difficult than it should be. You're just inconveniencing your family. You're not mentally ill, you're just finding new ways to whine about your current state.  
  
Wanting to die is just a cry for attention. It's good that you shut up about it.  
  
**22**  
  
It's insomnia.  
  
**23**  
  
You're shaking. But you can do it. You will do it. You will and are going to that school you want.  
  
You will learn there with two of the people you met there by your side. You _will_ and _are_ going to get accepted. You will succeed. You're gonna make it.  
  
**24**  
  
Every day is a fight for your autonomy. She thinks you want to be an adult as fast as possible just for shits and giggles. But she keeps treating you like a little dog. Yeah, that's exactly the term you've been searching for all these years. She treats you like a dog who can't do anything by himself.  
  
**25**  
  
A: You got accepted into a different school.  
  
B: You're sure you'll never be good at art ever. You'll never be a guy. No one will ever love you. You'll never "make it" in life. You're such a joke.  
  
**26**  
  
You'll never be good at art. _You'll never be good at anything._ You're worth nothing. This world is doomed.  
  
Trust no one._ No one_ is your friend. You'll never be loved. You'll always be unhappy. Never reveal yourself.  
  
**27**  
  
You just remembered how isolated you used to feel when you were a kid, how badly you wished to know someone in real life who shared your interests and who you didn't have to repress/overperform to.  
  
Now whenever you see similarities shared between you and someone, you feel disgusted. You want nothing to do with them.  
  
You truly, honest to God hate art.  
  
**28**  
  
Oh, you should stop complaining and loosen up. Nobody likes a whiner.  
  
Well, nobody likes you anyhow, no matter what you do. And you got nothing better to do in this shit life.  
  
**29**  
  
You're just bitter since what made you an outcast a decade ago is now cool and mainstream today.  
  
You just can't win.  
  
**30**  
  
"I'm so tired of living."  
  
"You haven't even started yet."  
  
Okay, these twenty (20) years you've lived count for nothing? How you've been depressed for the vast majority of your conscious life? She gets to tell you that shit and walk away?  
  
You can't wait to get out of here.  
  
**31**  
  
That woman is really out here threatening to invade your privacy.  
  
The package you ordered from a queer store arrived today, your mom found it as she went off to work. She found it so cutely wrapped, it was, that she came by upstairs again just to ask you what it was you ordered.  
  
Since you're perpetually in the closet again you decided to practice your autonomy and told her no, which, as we know, is a full sentence that doesn't need further elaboration. But she flipped her shit as if she has the right to intrude and know literally everything about you. You had to explicitly tell her no multiple times and one time almost gave in.  
  
She scoffed and said she'd just open it herself next time, You gasped and told her that's an invasion of privacy. She just said yeah, and then walked off. You were speechless at that point she already closed the door. You ran after her to say she's behaving like a five year old but she held her nose up and kept on walking. What the fuck.  
  
Oh, and you didn't make it to the school you wanted.  
  
**32**  
  
It just keeps getting worse. There's no hope for humanity. We're all done for. There's nothing on the other side. You should just kill yourself. There's nothing but horror waiting for us. Your supposed fifty years left will amount to nothing. We're all just done for. You need to kill yourself because there's no other way out. We're doomed to failure.  
  
**33**  
  
The trick here is to never pursue what you actually want because you don't know what's good for you and everyone else knows better than you what's good for you.  
  
**34**  
  
You cut off your hair at a friend's place.  
  
It felt good and freeing. If anything, you're glad you postponed that long to do it and had those two by your side. She said it suits you and is glad you did it for yourself, since you primarily had your hair that way for other people. It was fun, obviously you went to the hairdresser after that.  
  
**35**  
  
You're watching TV and your heart feels sick. You ate a solid ten plates of food this weekend so your stomach is doing bad too. You don't know what to do. You might not get into that school that accepted you after all. You're praying you'll get in. What will you do if you don't? You will have practically wasted the year. You're sick of rotting in this apartment.  
  
You're getting along with your few friends, and are struggling a bit with your best friend, but it's not enough. You're a failure. It's like God doesn't want you to go down this path. You just want to get educated already and then work.  
  
If you don't get into that school…you've been genuinely considering killing yourself. This is just all so hopeless. You've got nothing going for you nor are you capable of doing anything.  
  
**36**  
  
You went to another school to pick up your rejected portfolio. The city was pretty but the drive had bored you to tears so once you were back home, you were too tired to talk to your mom about it like she usually expects. She 'sweetly' asked you if you could show her your portfolio and you said no. She was taken aback quite strongly and couldn't accept that no means no.  
  
She flipped out and kept saying how "I don't want to" isn't a valid reason. She kept going on about how she wants to be informed about what's going on in your life and see everything, and you said it's dumb that she's acting like a child because you said no one time. She threw a tantrum and how you're never supposed to say no and how you never have any good reason and all that. You were too tired to argue and just wanted to shower.  
  
She threatened to invade your privacy by "turning your room upside down to get it" and you sighed and locked your room. She flipped her shit then about how "you'll never do that again, you hear me" and you legitimately told her you don't get why it wasn't a good reason for her. She said that shit like "I'm ashamed/embarrassed to show it" might have been valid.  
  
You showered, napped, and before you went to your friend's apartment you asked her if you could trust her to not invade your room and not have to lock the door, and she said you were being irrational. You told her if she can't explicitly promise, you will lock the room. That wouldn't even be the first time you locked it ever.  
  
She said she didn't know what she was going to do but she was going to do _something_. She went on about how you "made the portfolio shit on purpose" (you didn't) and about how it is ugly (you're actually proud of most things in there). You got pissed since she wouldn't take your "I don't want to" legitimate reasoning and expected you to think "I don't know what I'm going to do" to be a concrete decision. It's just a threat.  
  
At your friend's you went to the tech store, the mall, played cards and watched football and it was great.  
  
You come home and your mom had literally removed your door from its hinges.  
  
You told her to put it back and she was still hung up on that fucking portfolio and how you need to calm down. You're justifiably angry. You want to smack the hammer to her door. She's acting like a child, destroying your trust in her, this isn't even about the portfolio anymore, it's symbolic of how fucking immature she gets when you tell her no on anything. Decisions, physical contact, whatever.  
  
You seriously don't know what to do. What if she steals your friend's upcoming letter and holds it ransom? You can't take this anymore. You want to break something, but your rage is suppressed, you're at the same time just numb and tired of her shit. Jesus.  
  
**37**  
  
Why are you even doing this? You want to kill yourself over every little thing, you have nothing you genuinely want to accomplish in your life, devoting your life to improving society / the environment would do nothing, and with every passing day you hate art more and more.  
  
You're so bitter. When will you finally kill yourself? When will this shit be over with?  
  
**38**  
  
You can't believe you're saying this, but you're actually in a good mood? You got your certificate, your friend wasn't ignoring you after all, you're on your way to hers right now, and you got a feeling it'll be fun. Everything will be alright. Might be, one day.  
  
**39**  
  
To feed the inevitable irony:  
  
Your mom and you went to the city that accepted you and ultimately all it makes you do is feel crazed and freaked out.  
  
What if you don't get an apartment on time? What if the school won't take you in the end? What if you end up hating that school? What if you never make it out on your own? What are you going to do? What will you do? All this does is drive you nuts. Life drives you nuts. Life is no fun at all.  
  
**40**  
  
It's your first day off after finishing your internship and you were suddenly consumed by this rage that resides in your rib cage. The place was so fucking racist and sexist. You hated it.  
  
The way the n-word left that white asshole's mouth with ease, the way the boss called a Vietnamese applicant 'oriental' and 'slit eye' like they're not slurs, how he basically sees his girlfriend as a sex thing, and how 'gay' is still used as a negative adjective in this fucking day and age. You're fucking furious over all of it.  
  
How dare they pretend they're socially 'woke' and that they 'care about feelings'. Fuck. You.  
  
You don't even have anyone to talk to about it. All your friends and family are white and you don't want to needlessly upset your best friend.  
  
You fucking hate privileged people who continually perpetrate and normalise this behavior. Sending the women to do all the cooking and antagonising/villainising the one woman who's smarter than all of them combined. How dare they, how dare they.  
  
You know all this shit is a real problem that still exists, but you're so tired. You're so tired of being minimized into a secondary citizen while mediocre men find validation. You don't want to fucking encounter these garbage men but they'll be everywhere. Fucking hell.  
  
**42**  
  
Your two friends are too good for you. You love them. You'll miss them. Maybe things will turn out okay.  
  
(Time after time.)


	5. youre not alone

**1**  
  
You've barely been with her for half a day and she's already gaslit you multiple times.  
  
And when you confronted her about this she made some half-assed excuse again. You told her that her modifying reality on a whim like that really fucks you up mentally, she didn't take it serious.  
  
Whenever you're with her you're reminded of why you were so eager to move out. She doesn't give a shit about you. Only in a way that directly benefits her. She keeps making excuses for everything without acknowledging the repercussions of constantly invalidating prior input to make herself sound better.  
  
And she got pedantic and tried to defend herself with how "she tried her damned best" when raising you. It's common knowledge that 'trying hard' itself doesn't get you anywhere. 'Trying hard' isn't always the best course of action. Your intentions are completely useless compared to their execution and your real actions and how they ultimately affect people. Having 'tried your best' doesn't negate the real harm you've done. Wishing/hoping things will turn out okay isn't equal to it actually happening. Wishing, hoping gets you nowhere.  
  
**2**  
  
Your mom and aunt kept gossiping about women on the street, one for her tattoo and one for…existing, you guess? You asked them whether they have better hobbies than gossiping about strangers for arbitrary reasons. She said "That woman was _screaming_ for comments." You replied with "No, you're just assholes."  
  
So she tried to excuse it with the 'they asked for it' move, classic. And as if gossiping is such a regular thing to do. You know you're being a hypocrite, but there's a difference between compulsively making these comments within the privacy of your mind versus publicly, socially engaging in belittling others.  
  
You don't like it when people think they're better than others for such superficial reasons. Besides, women antagonising other women is making it worse, they got enough to deal with. They should stick together.  
  
**3**  
  
_"You are responsible for your own life and you'll only be an embarrassment to yourself and a parasite to others if you don't improve. Not everyone in the world is going to pity you and you'll have to take the initiative before you're on your own."_  
  
**4**  
  
It is normal. You are normal. It's normal. It's fine. It's not a huge thing.  
  
What really messes you up is having to keep a secret to yourself.  
  
It eats at you.  
  
And the whole time you're thinking about this thing and it's stressful. You feel isolated and cut off. It's a normal feeling and it's a painful feeling.  
  
Being alone is hard.  
  
And you can be alone in a room full of friends.  
  
**5**  
  
What's the point of thinking all this. You're not the only one who goes through this, in fact, spelling it out like this just makes it all the more clear how much of a loser you are. How pathetic you're being. All it does is make people feel better about themselves -_ I'm not doing great, but at least I'm not him_.  
  
You're an embarrassment. You have nothing to complain about. You're better off gone. No one needs to hear this shit from you of all people. You're a disgrace to everyone close to you, hurting everyone because you're too stubborn to confess your wrongdoings and do better. You belong to the depths of hell.  
  
**6**  
  
You stand on the roof as you stare down into the abyss. There is no one out there who could ever help you. You shattered like glass, broken beyond repair. It's written in your eyes, but no one gazes upon them. No one sees you. No one has ever seen you. You're not truly alive. You see your hands tighten into fists - but they're not yours.  
  
There's a wall separating you from others. A tangible distance apart. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, it all fades into black for you anyways. As you close your eyes and jump over the fence, the distance seems infinite, nearly palpable. Don't look back. There's nothing waiting for you there.  
  
Hold onto the fence, grip it like the lifeline it is. Feel your vivid heartbeat thrumming in your chest. Your fingers clam up. Your soul has left your body long ago, the slow joy of what's to come feeling miles away at this point. Let go. Let go. Let go. Do not turn away.  
  
The rotting flesh of the past is looking down at you close by. You're going to regret this. You're going to love this.  
  
You feel the grin stretching wide on your face. No one has come for you. You stand there for all eternity. Keep looking down. Isn't the blackness inviting? It could hold you in a deep embrace if you'd let it. What else can you do. You've come this far. You got nothing more to lose.  
  
It won't be a loving embrace. There's no love to be found anywhere. You're just as alone as you were from the start. So let go of the fence. The fall is barely a few seconds long. The emptiness is forever. You won't feel a thing. Just the breeze as you hurtle towards the ground.  
  
It'll be painless, I promise.  
  
It was destined to happen.  
  
**7**  
  
This isn't a tragedy. It's a comedy.  
  
**8**  
  
In a way, suicide feels like the only thing you'd ever have actual control over in your life.  
  
**9**  
  
You had to wake up at five.  
  
You look harmless. You're short. You can barely carry your weight. Your stance is sluggish. You hide from the sun.  
  
It's all irrelevant. Ordinary. Nothing special. Who'd ever care to notice?  
  
There's a being lurking near you as you lay in bed, unmoving. It sapped you of any semblance of terror. You just listen to the clock ticking, in a steady rhythm, passing you by, always consistent, white noise of your life, it's there, it's there, it always was, it won't go away, it's right behind you, unflinching. It never goes still. Your body is exhausted. You can hear every minute detail.  
  
Time passes. The feeling passes. It keeps coming back. The sound. The sensation. Don't look behind you. There's nothing waiting for you. But he's watching you, he knows, and he left anyways.  
  
You're dead. You're long gone.  
  
**10**  
  
You have no one because you weren't able to keep up.  
  
It feels like everyone is paced in a continual sprint, and something beat down on your legs with a hammer, blood and bones splattered on the floor.  
  
It might have been your own doing. That's why you're alone.  
  
**11**  
  
It's pretty humiliating thinking about how people will be laughing at you, it seems like the only viable outcome to opening up about your pain.  
  
**12**  
  
You get the impression the only way to satisfy your mom is to follow her every command blindly and without saying a single word.  
  
**13**  
  
This all feels wrong. It doesn't feel like you. None of it really feels like you. It's like the real you is locked away somewhere…out of reach.  
  
**14**  
  
You can't keep going on like this.  
  
You can't keep waking up every morning grieving the fact that you're still breathing.  
  
For how long has the thought of death followed your every move? When did fantasizing about jumping off the bridge, bracing for imminent impact, become commonplace? When did you get so comfortable with the thought of everything perishing so soon?  
  
At what point did you truly give up?  
  
How long can you keep going on like this? When will you finally get a move on? Baby, you can't keep going on like this. You can never be satisfied. Your timeline ends here.  
  
**15**  
  
Suicide isn't 'an easy way out'.  
  
Put the gun in your mouth and try to lift your finger to the trigger, feel the heavy weight of the barrel on your tongue, knowing a single pull will permanently rob you of your consciousness and leave your deformed head and body for an unfortunate person to discover.  
  
Try and swallow all those pills at once, knowing your body will convulse in seizures for hours upon hours of pain, difficulty breathing, vomiting, and risking irreparable liver damage.  
  
Try and stay underwater in the cold river, knowing your lungs, your blood stream, your mind will be overrun by water and swallowed whole.  
  
Try to run in front of that train, knowing the impact will splatter your organs across the rails and haunt the operator and passengers forever.  
  
Try to tighten that rope around your neck, heartbeat racing, knowing that if you fail or are found prematurely, you stay in a vegetative state for the entire rest of your cursed life.  
  
Just try to take that final step as you stare the hundred meters down your upcoming rush of death.  
  
Your hands will shake from the overwhelming, deeply ingrained instinct to keep living. The world will freeze as adrenaline courses through your system, sensing the situation as the danger it is, the potential of failure looming over you. Your body screams for you to live no matter how terrible you perceive continued existence to be. Your body becomes terrified of you. And some are so far gone in the depths of their sorrow that they manage to override that inherent fear response.  
  
That isn't 'an easy way out'. Nothing about the sheer volume of what you're about to do, the terror and pain as you do it, is easy. Suicide is an extremely difficult act to commit. It's intense and relentless.  
  
**16**  
  
You beg for the music to drown out your mind.  
  
**17**  
  
You mind is bleeding.  
  
**18**  
  
You had visited Aokigahara in a dream, plunged into the cold water, gazed up at the Moon.  
  
**19**  
  
Not even your Angels had bothered to come when you called out for them.  
  
**20**  
  
You don't want pity. You don't want compassion. You don't want sympathy.  
  
None of it is earned.  
  
It's painful knowing you're being completely stupid but doing nothing to change that.  
  
**21**  
  
She does all this shit for you, so why do you still always feel the overwhelming urge to run away?  
  
If you're gonna end your life, you might as well try to get out.  
  
In truth, you don't want to do any of this. You don't want to study, you don't want to be an activist, you don't want to be an artist, you don't want all these people around you. You want to stop being constantly at the bottom of the social hierarchy. You want to stop being inferior to people who are already mediocre.  
  
You want to destroy everything, leave the remnants of what broke you behind. Be disappointed someplace else.  
  
**22**  
  
You're worn out. Your body feels heavy. You're too tired to even raise the glass of water to your lips. Staring into nothing.  
  
You lost your humanity when you were a little child. And you've tried to escape the hurt with TV and computer screens. Letting yourself feel miserable and doing minimal steps to improve it. One step forward, two steps back. And now the anger can't seem to fizzle out.  
  
When will you stop blaming people who are doing their best? When will you be cured of your fucking sensitive bitch disease? They did nothing to deserve the vitriol that's spilling from your every pore.  
  
You're weak. You're just insecure about how you don't have the strength to fend for yourself. For good reason. No one taught you. Or more like, you never bothered to learn it. You've learned nothing after all these years.  
  
You still stare at your dirty hands, scratch your arms, cover your ears with earphones in public, you still try to appear 'pleasant' by giggling through every syllable. Otherwise you fumble, or are too monotone or look like you're ultra pissed.  
  
You just can't win. You never will. You're what's wrong. You, your soul, at your very core. You've stolen this life from someone who would've appreciated it more, would've had a better life than you ever could. You're all wrong.  
  
You love portraying yourself as the victim, but are the perpetrator. You're a murderer.  
  
**23**  
  
An old friend of mom's agreed that she's exhausting and is thinking completely upside down - he said she basically doesn't think you're capable of working when her excuse for refusing that you work was that you already study at two places. He said she never taught you anything smart.  
  
He's always had to work, said he couldn't 'enjoy his youth' like she had, and what she's currently trying to force onto you. He works thirty to fifty hours.  
  
You felt completely understood for once. He made fun of her and came to an agreement with you and bonded over how ludicrous she is. He said she thinks everyone thinks like her. He got really mad, he threw a bottle on the ground in frustration as he left. You laughed because you were tipsy and didn't know how else to respond.  
  
Because whenever other people talk about your mother, you get overwhelmed by the sensation that you're really not alone in seeing how completely nuts she is. Whenever that happens, you can't suppress this angered feeling of injustice for a while. You get just as mad. You can't believe she keeps trying to talk you into feeling bad for her. In isolating you from people who might truly understand you. Whenever she doesn't agree with someone, she projects it onto you.  
  
She does all these things she thinks others want but in truth, is what she wants. Everything else is just a pawn in her game.  
  
She admits she was too strict when raising you and that's why you're depressed. But she still tries to excuse it. She's just a child. Someone who wasn't ready to raise a sentient human being. Who never would have been, no matter 'how hard she tried'. She'd treat any other soul just as badly.  
  
You can't change what's at someone's core. You can just disengage.  
  
**24**  
  
With that lens, you're starting to understand why your father practically ran away when you were a little kid. You keep dreaming about getting the fuck out of here all the time. He actually pulled it off. He cut off his entire family.  
  
You really are his son.  
  
**25**  
  
You've been alive for twenty-one years. You've wanted to be dead since you were around six. That's fifteen years of not wanting to be here. Of not wanting to follow along to all this bullshit but forcing yourself to, for some reason. Being so bodily exhausted from it.  
  
**26**  
  
Just shut up. For once. Shut the fuck up. Stop criticizing everything I do.  
  
**27**  
  
Those minuscule reasons for why you get severely bullied as a kid never really change. People just find a more 'socially acceptable' way of shunning you for your differences.  
  
Though bullying is, in a way, socially accepted as well. Not necessarily wanted, but accepted as natural and inevitable. There's always someone who's handed the short end of the stick.  
  
**28**  
  
To say depression's only cause is merely a dysfunction in dopamine and serotonin production is condescending.  
  
**29**  
  
Still, even if he thought she was that terrible, he didn't think to take you with him. You wouldn't wanna save a hellspawn born by her either.  
  
**30**  
  
Stupid.  
  
You can't believe you've had to endure her for twenty years.  
  
You want out. You need out. You need to get out. You can't take it anymore. You don't think you ever had.  
  
**31**  
  
Years ago, your mother yelled:  
  
_"When did I ever say you're dumb?"_  
  
Your grandmother yelled back:  
  
_"You don't say it, but you act that way."_  
  
Silence.  
  
Your mother replied:  
  
_"I got a million thoughts in my head, I don't need this. That's your own issue."_  
  
**32**  
  
Years ago, you and your grandma took a stroll. You placed stickers on some lamp posts, sat by the lake, watched two male ducks fight it out, visited a late relative's wife and her niece. Then went back to the store and couldn't find the fruits you needed, the third one had some but grandma forgot to weigh them when she handed them to the cashier, then you each carried two bags home.  
  
Both of you were looking forward to not-walking anymore. You saw a stray cat and fell in love with her. She meowed at you once she smelled the food. You didn't know if she carried diseases so you couldn't touch her. You told her you're sorry and that you love her.  
  
You stumbled upon your cousin going to class. Once home, you did a one-way trip up the stairs with all the bags.  
  
Grandma complained everyone goes by car but you guys, you go by foot. Then she took a shower, once she was done she came to you and told you she only washed her feet because she was so exhausted. You told her good night, she checked her phone for messages but it was only the cousin calling.  
  
Also you laughed your ass off at the 'ECONOMY' size of a cereal, that name's fucking hilarious.  
  
**33**  
  
Your grandmother had said:  
  
_"She's tiresome."_  
  
_"I'll kill myself."_  
  
_"She loves herself."_  
  
(Mother doesn't want to let you do things on your own.)  
  
(You should take control such as by saying "I don't want this, but that", etc.)  
  
(Talk about how to deal with her.)  
  
You need to toughen up and not suppress your emotions when they appear.  
  
**34**  
  
Your grandmother barely listens to you.  
  
So no matter where you go, you will get treated like a little bitch.  
  
**35**  
  
They'll all know you were crying. You didn't hide it well enough. They'll all laugh at you. Pff, as if all they ever do is think about you, you selfish prick. They probably forgot you the moment you stepped out. You shouldn't intrude by walking back in. You better go back. You'll regret not being there later. They'll never invite you again.  
  
**36**  
  
As you were in tears, someone told you:  
  
There's always going to be someone else. When you don't know what you want, you get sad. If he doesn't improve after what you've told him, then it's over. You can move on.  
  
**37**  
  
Nobody will ever respect you. Stop putting others into the center of your life. Stop oversharing.  
  
**38**  
  
You don't have to be your art.  
  
Your art can be your own.  
  
It can belong to you.  
  
Others can get lost in it.  
  
Others use it for themselves.  
  
**39**  
  
It's hard to explain, but that feeling you get when you don't want to do anything, but you force yourself to…it's equivalent to physical agony. Your body tries to revolt.  
  
**40**  
  
Your mom is full of shit. She needs to keep her garbage opinions to herself.  
  
**41**  
  
You'll kill yourself before you ever open up again.  
  
**42**  
  
The fact that as a child you never desired for anything, to the point where your mother had to force you to get stuff, should've thrown someone off.  
  
**43**  
  
I don't ever want to see you again.  
  
Acting as if every move is such a pain.  
  
Never talk to me again.  
  
**44**  
  
You're pretty sure you'll never function as an actual adult.  
  
There's just too much to do and not enough braincells to do it.  
  
**45**  
  
Yes, the planet can be full of beauty. But it can continue on without your body. Nature and its wonders doesn't need you to observe it in order to continue being beautiful.  
  
**46**  
  
We're on the brink of war. The world is burning. Suffering is rising exponentially.  
  
You don't want to be witness of the aftermath of collapse.  
  
There was a time you considered living on, in order to personally witness the inevitable destruction of life as we know it, just for its entertainment value, but this isn't something where you'd be a sideline observer. You'd be a participant, you'd experience famine and illness just like anyone else. Probably be victim of a genocide. You'd get thrown around, beaten and raped. Experience actual agony unlike now.  
  
So, you'd rather not be there when it happens.  
  
**47**  
  
You wanted to run away from home for ages. It turned from fantasy to ideal at age sixteen. That was five years ago, and you still haven't made any progress.  
  
She keeps trying to talk you out of working, about how you should 'get to enjoy your youth', as if you both don't know how much of your time was wasted, doing nothing in your life but reading, doodling and dreaming. And now her claws are still deep in you, drawing blood.  
  
**48**  
  
You can't stop thinking about how you're going to die soon.  
  
You're not really scared of dying — everyone's going to die sooner or later, and it's like glorified sleeping — but more worried of being found and 'saved' before you are truly dead.  
  
You wonder if you're treating this like a game with how jittery you're being. It's like you're almost excited. You want to do it right.  
  
You're just one of the people who were doomed from the start. Who are genetically predisposed to being depressed and unhappy. But just like the light needs a shadow. There are just people who aren't fated to enjoy living for living's sake.  
  
That's okay. Life is overrated.  
  
**49**  
  
It's pretty clear by now that every single word you think just cements you as the irrational agent; childish, hysterical, self-important, overly emotional over bullshit. You'd experience second-hand embarrassment if it were from anyone else. But all you feel is shame.  
  
These are the thoughts that brought you to this breaking point. No one else is to blame. You're just… like this, and you do nothing to change that. Nothing to improve your situation in any way. You just try to defend your toxic thoughts. But that's all they are. Poison. They help nobody. You're an asshole who paints himself as the poor, poor little victim, while paradoxically demanding respect for what is essentially whining.  
  
You won't ever genuinely know what makes you so miserable, but that's because it's you. You're in your own way, fogging up your mirrored reflection with your bias and cognitive dissonance. You're aware your thoughts are shit. That you won't have that eureka moment that'll suddenly heal the cracks in your mind and fix everything and make you an actual functional human being who can feel emotion and share thoughts and be grateful for what life gave them. You won't ever be able to move past your disgusting thoughts and look at them from a distance. You're too weak.  
  
You won't be happy.  
  
I'm sick of you. You are so humiliating. Die already.  
  
**50**  
  
You know how this will play out.  
  
She'll open up more. It'll encourage you to open up in kind. Your exchanges will feel like your little secret. You'll support her through her hardships and motivate her with compliments. You'll hang out and know her in and out, what her interest are, what her fears are, what her goals are. Obsessed with being the best friend you can be, trying your best.  
  
You'll get closer. You'll tell her things you've never told anyone. Hold her up against all others. You'll get too invested. Think it could potentially build up to something. Then something will happen that will make you drift apart. Either she'll toss you aside, or cast you as the villain for smothering her, or you'll legitimately treat her badly in a failed attempt to help her with something. Either way, it'll be over as quickly as it had started. She'll get to move on pretty easily, but it'll put your trust in others and yourself back even more than it already was. It'll be your fault.  
  
So it's better to prevent it from happening at all. To not engage.  
  
You know how this plays out.  
  
It's inevitable.  
  
**51**  
  
The icing on the cake is that your life's work is mediocre and will be considered bad.  
  
**52**  
  
_"Let's talk."_  
  
_"No. I don't wanna talk. I'm done talking. Talking is overrated."_  
  
You realise people will laugh one minute in. People will call the person stupid and chastise them as if they had dropped their plate of food in a cafeteria. People will record it like it's a show with no strings attached. People will be shocked at the split second impact of the death, but move on just as quickly.  
  
The act of dying is neutral, unspectacular, bland, able to dismiss. Your pain is so distant from others, because they're ultimately in control of how you're perceived. What you have to say is nothing compared to people dubbing you the dumb irrational fuck anyways, no matter how you go about it, because everyone's convinced their own world view is right.  
  
You're not a rationally behaving creature. You have as much value in society as a cow, basically. Fed to no end, milked for all you're worth, laughed at when you try to act out, watched with morbid curiosity as a pipe stabs you through your kidney in your attempt to escape and you slowly die, forgotten as just one of the bunch once it's over, as they continue on with their own pathetic lives.  
  
That's if they even notice the moment of impact.  
  
**53**  
  
If there is an afterlife, you're going to be so pissed.  
  
**54**  
  
You went on a walk again, and this time she tried to make countess unnecessary detours because of all the 'foreigners' walking around, literally just walking around and sitting on benches. You had to completely rework your route because she kept throwing a fit about how 'foreigners' 'are dangerous' and how she's scared. You had to physically drag her into walking the common route.  
  
You sat to watch the ducks and really enjoyed the view. The way ducks place their head on their back feathers to sleep is cool. She walked away the instant two 'foreign' men sat down close by. She kept yelling at you to get a move on. You gave yourself a few minutes and as you walked up to her, told her that she was being obscene. Her behavior was disgusting. She tried to defend her position.  
  
Later by the bridge, she kept pressuring you to get a move on and you told her you wanted to enjoy the view. She said she 'had spent decades enjoying the view' and was getting sick of it. You know you've barely lived a third of her lifetime but you can't imagine getting bored of such a beautiful place. It was probably that she still had a view of those 'foreigners'.  
  
When you asked her to explain why she was so scared of them, she couldn't tell why. No one else in the family is that scared, and she said she doesn't know why she is. That's pretty much what racism is. It threw you off just how upset she got over people who look different walking past, and how she let it sabotage her quality of life. You felt you had to defend them and tell her that every group of people has their own good and bad, whom are dangerous but statistically outliers. She kept trying to defend her position.  
  
When you said you're not from here either, she said you're still 'one of us'. You went back and forth on that multiple times and you kept saying you're not, she kept saying you are. It left a bad taste in your mouth, it's like saying 'you're one of the good ones'.  
  
Her behavior really pissed you off so you cut the stroll short. Imagine thinking every single person who looks different would want to attack you and your livelihood directly. Of course there are attacks, but you get the impression her sense of how common it is, is inflated by news stations and anecdotal horror stories. On the way home she got her position legitimized by another woman she knew and you were just done by that point. Your grandma can hold pretty bigoted positions — how homosexuality 'isn't right', how only women should clean and cook, etc — this is just another one of them. Whatever you saw in her years ago just isn't there. It never was.  
  
This is your bloodline after all.  
  
**55**  
  
You slept for twelve hours.  
  
**56**  
  
You doubt your mother will ever realise just how full of shit she is.  
  
**57**  
  
Your body has been trying to instill the fear of death in you, the existential dread of losing consciousness and just, never waking up again? The concept itself is terrifying for how little your brain can make sense of…not existing anymore.  
  
You remember a fainting spell you had ages ago. Where you hadn't realized you had fainted, only after you woke up from it and got yourself together minutes later did you understand you did, thanks to the added context of waking up afterwards and having the ability of looking back on it.  
  
You imagine that's what dying is like, excluding the part where you have that added retrospective. So you never really understand your own death, or know it happened. It just happens, and then everything is blank. You're gone. Just like that. You can't even tell.  
  
**58**  
  
As you look at childhood photos you know it'll all be lost to time.  
  
**59**  
  
There is this story you wrote when you were a kid:  
  
_He was in an egg and wanted out. He couldn't come out. He was sad. "The other dinos are lucky!", he said, "because they can already look at the world!"_  
  
_ After a while he whispered quietly: "It's so boring in here, but I can't come out!"_  
  
You appreciate that you still align with that weird sense of humor even a decade later.  
  
**60**  
  
Humanity isn't worth fighting for, you conclude.  
  
**61**  
  
Probably one of the worst things about past friendships and relationships is moving on but remembering their birthdays, having that information so embedded in you that you still physically react to the date the second you see it, as if your mind's saying you should congratulate them, despite contact to them being long gone. You see the date and can't help but wonder how they're doing, if they've moved on too, whether they've forgotten about your date or feel this way too.  
  
**62**  
  
You remember how as a kid you wished you could've been born at the very end of human history, so you wouldn't exactly 'miss out' on the advances humanity would make throughout the millennia and be able to look back on all the progress before the very end. You thought this event would be billions of billions of years into the future, right where humankind would experience the death of the Sun itself, and even then you thought humanity would built the technology to escape to safety on a different planet.  
  
You guess you had your wish granted in a way. We're at the edge of humanity's end. Thankfully without the potential of running away and colonizing and destroying another innocent planet.  
  
You don't think you could have anticipated how ultimately boring the conclusion of life is when you were a kid. But then again, you thought you'd live to be a hundred years old.  
  
**63**  
  
You were thinking back on that time you lost your shit over someone implicitly calling you an immature manchild who runs away from responsibility, derailing it into putting all the blame on the person herself for hurting you so damn much over the years with her behavior.  
  
That was such a disgusting display of short-sightedness.  
  
This keeps happening. You say something fucked up where you try to label yourself as the victim, and later realize how full of shit your thought process was and call yourself out. Will you just repeat this over and over? Inadvertently display yourself as the dumb shit who doesn't realize how much of a hypocrite he is?   
  
You know everything is subjective and you're never right about anything, but just how much of your own behavior are you blindsided by? Under all the talk about how you know you're stupid and your thoughts are stupid, how much do you still try to defend yourself through subtext? How much is lost to context and these hissy fits were just the last straw, no matter how unjustified?  
  
That's what I meant with you're a monster. You're a parasite, desperate for people to realise this and disengage.  
  
And still…you still fucking seek attention. You still want people to know you're thinking these things. To stop painting you as a naturally kind-hearted being. There's no such thing as kind humans. You just happen to be one of the worst ones.  
  
Don't forget this.  
  
Don't forget you brought this upon yourself. You seek any minuscule reason to hate anyone. To create a scapegoat. To pit yourself against others. To indirectly blame others for your coming death. You're the one who will hurt others. And that's exactly what you want. Is it? Nothing you say holds any weight. If this doesn't make people realize how much of a fucked up psychopath you are, nothing will. You've absolutely destroyed your will to live, by your own doing.  
  
You need someone to come and beat the shit out of you. Rip your shoulder out of its socket. Hammer down on your skull. Make it last. Make the blood and brain matter mix as they spill on the floor. Leave you to die as you try to breathe through the blood clogging your airway. Leave you in the ditch and forget you ever existed. Throw everything you ever owned and created in a pile and set it on fire.  
  
Why do you keep doing this if you know it won't get you anywhere? What do you hope to achieve with this? A semblance of your 'real self' leaving an imprint through all the lies you've collected over your lifetime? It'll be remembered at the length of a fly's lifespan. None of this matters. It never mattered. No one will know. Is that why?  
  
How can you still see yourself as the one in the right? Was all that talk about how everyone's biased including yourself a fucking farce? You know how damaged your mind is. You know everything out of your mouth is pretentious bullshit. Yet you still keep pulling this shit. You keep doing this to yourself. Baby, deep down you know exactly how much you're ruining your own life. And for what? What do you hope to gain from it? You're just hurting everyone. Making it worse. Even worse. You can't handle it. You stupid bitch, you're insane.  
  
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop expecting other people to eventually feel sorry for you. They have the added insight and intelligence to know you're being a dumb inane fuck, who achieves nothing with this swivel.  
  
God. You're just repeating what you've always done. Like a broken record. Like a broken soul. This will just keep happening. For as long as you live. Because you're doing nothing to fight against it. You welcome it with open arms, pretending you had no other options.  
  
At this point, you hope your attempt fails. Living on without being able to do anything independently seems like the perfect punishment for all the shit you pull. You need to be robbed of your entire sense of autonomy, because you do nothing productive with what you have. Punishment for all your sins. You disgusting monster. I could fucking kill you. You're so pathetic.  
  
**64**  
  
Stop fighting it. You never had control. Stop pretending you ever did.  
  
**65**  
  
Nothing matters because you don't let it matter. There's a reason you never express your thoughts out loud. You know exactly how much you'd get your ass kicked for daring to think these things, how badly you'd get called out for it. You, out of anyone in this forsaken world, have the least incentive to think like this, to behave like this. This is why you play the part. Try and act nice. Everyone knows better. All you ever did, do, and will do by your own self interest, is wrong.  
  
**66**  
  
You'll never be whatever others expect you to be. You have nothing you aspire to. Following your passion is a myth. Happiness is a false delusion.  
  
**67**  
  
Your brain feels like it's made out of cotton and your body is running on autopilot.  
  
**68**  
  
You don't really do it out of vengeance. Nobody would care anyways. You're kind of grieving over it having to end like this. You have nowhere to run away to, nor the means. You won't ever work towards your goals. You alienate anyone who gets close to you. The world is turning to shit. It doesn't mean you didn't wish you could have lived a better life. It just won't happen. Your one chance at a lifetime was ruined from the start. You mourn throwing your life away like this.  
  
**69**  
  
You crave attention. Validation from someone who actually knows what they're talking about and isn't a narcissist. From a credible peer. But you just don't have what it takes to get respect and affirmation. You think you work hard but it just isn't enough.   
  
**70**  
  
No matter how much you appreciate someone, you come off as a dick.  
  
**71**  
  
You will grieve your life no matter what.  
  
**72**  
  
Walking down the road at night. The fresh smell of trees. Birds silent as they rest. Gentle Moon high up in the sky, watching you. Your own a little spot in the huge world, known for most of your life. The path to the station, to the store, to school, to the city, beaten path walked for years. Looking out the window, seeing the Moon shine down on you, looking after you, too. Loving light shining your way.  
  
Soft steps down the field. Dirt leaves swaying. Animals scattering. The sound of the distant train. Her beautiful presence shining down on each creature.  
  
Your sketchbook in your hand. Fingers on your controller as you look up at your old TV. Opening your closet, filled with years old clothes and even more used up sketchbooks. Opening the window, hearing kids running down the street. Crow families cawing. Trees shedding their reds and yellows. A bird perching on a lamppost.  
  
The fifth trip to the cinema. Early in the day. Didn't take any food with you. Walking up the familiar stairs to the cabinet, grabbing some 3D glasses and ending up taking them home.  
  
Looking up, trees obscure your vision of the sky. You take a rest stop at the end of the world, downhill is a dirty lake. The sand grabs onto your shoes as you wander down. On the other side are a woman and her dog taking a stroll. The dog sniffs at the ducks cautiously watching him. You spend a few minutes watching the water ripple.   
  
Whether you want to admit it or not, these things were your home. You wake up feeling like your body still resides there, in your childhood room, daring you to open your eyes and think otherwise.  
  
**73**  
  
It feels inevitable, like if you tried to do something for yourself someone will come and rip your body apart.  
  
**74**  
  
You'll never get justice for your treatment. You'll never get closure from having the luxury of looking at this situation from far away. You'll never feel free from their clutches. Never be your own man. Never feel that you deserve or earn good things. You're a prisoner of your own mind.  
  
**75**  
  
You gave up on yourself a long time ago.  
  
**76**  
  
The strings of fate have tried to gently lead you away from things all your life. Made doing things harder to accomplish than it should have been. Your last act will cut off that string once and for all, rip it apart, turn it into shreds. It genuinely feels like the only thing that's been truly up to you will be your own death, at your own merit.  
  
You wish you could gaze at the night sky during your last moments, during twilight – stare up at the Moon, a Goddess, a neutral satellite that doesn't even know you're there, doesn't care as your breath hitches.  
  
**77**  
  
Your struggles amount to nothing.  
  
**78**  
  
I cry for you.   
  
**79**  
  
_It's sad but it's true_  
  
_How society says her life is already over_  
  
_Nothing to do and there's nothing to say_  
  
**80**  
  
When you visited a relative, her hands were shaking. Her entire kitchen was filled with half-prepared food. She instantly made you an entire ass meal. She kept offering drinks. Not able to sit still.  
  
Some topic was brought up that prompted you to say your mother never listens to you, and you never listen to her, to which she responded she's the same, she never listens to her daughter and her daughter never listens to her. Your chest tightened at the thought of her daughter showing up, in your memory's eye an excitable girl who loves music, used to jump around, make funny faces and silly poses to lighten the mood. When you did see her, her eyes were glued to her phone, tone neutral as all you did was greet each other. You went to a different room in an attempt to literally walk away from the awkwardness that is talking to people your age.  
  
It turns out she's going through something that's "destroying the family," as your mother phrased it. You didn't feel much aside from bad about this turn of events, curiosity over what led her to this path. You wonder why you have the audacity to think your life is bad, when a girl like her is struggling with something severe it has her mother, in a bloodline that notoriously internalizes feelings, display symptoms of her distress in a day to day environment, trying to cope the only way she knows how.  
  
**81**  
  
Years ago, away from prying eyes, your grandma told you she understands that your mom always wants to control everything, that she thinks she's always right, always in the right, and that the rest are wrong. That your mom thinks you're all beneath her.  
  
You told your grandma about how your mom still treats you a kid, despite you being nineteen. She agreed, that your mother treats her like she knows jack shit, despite being seventy. Grandma understands that you close your mom off by closing the door and keeping to yourself in your room, not wanting to have to deal with her and ending arguments before they start. Trying to control you. It's not "are you hungry?", it's "what do you want to eat?".  
  
You feel like grandma's the family's scapegoat of some kind. She doesn't feel welcome. She feels like she's in the way. You told her she deserves a better family. She agrees. "I'm only in the way." She misses her late husband. Of course, she says. You told her you'll always love her, that she's not a burden, and you're glad you're with her and will miss her when she's gone.  
  
**82**  
  
You're not special. You're full of shit. You make it all about you. You're broken, dysfunctional, incapable of thinking outside of yourself, turning every single instance of life into how it directly affects you. Poor you. Get a fucking grip. The world doesn't work like that. You mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. No one really does. You're held so captive by your own weak feelings it stops you from getting a fucking hold of yourself. Who needs you.  
  
You're disgusting.  
  
**83**  
  
It's a bit mind boggling that your behavior tangibly influenced people. Inspired them. Changed them. Helped them, in rare instances. Where your existence actually made an impact. Where people think back on you fondly? You can't believe it but it must be true.  
  
People who still remember you from when you were younger. Who possess memories of how you acted you've long lost.  
  
**84**  
  
Fuck you for thinking you did right to me.  
  
Fuck you for saying it's my fault. Fuck you for saying my pain is my own doing.  
  
Fuck you for saying it's my singular responsibility to cope with all the emotional damage you've wrung on me all my life and that you're free of wrong-doings.  
  
Fuck you for being so far up your own ass you don't realize how much of a burden your existence is on people and how little you truly care about them. You think they don't fucking notice.  
  
Fuck you for exhibiting the same unhealthy behaviors your mother does but not recognizing it, or worse, fucking excusing it.  
  
Fuck you for getting people on your side when you act like a piece of shit and hurt someone else.  
  
Fuck you for thinking you know everything better.  
  
Fuck you for messing up my sense of reality, humility and trust.  
  
Fuck you for not valuing my words.  
  
Fuck you for bringing me into this God forsaken world.  
  
**85**  
  
Without meaning or intimacy, life is not worth the effort and the trouble.  
  
**86**  
  
The pain overwhelms you. You can't just wish it away. It haunts your every step.  
  
**87**  
  
It didn't lead to anything.  
  
It never leads to anything.  
  
You're not worth it.   
  
**88**  
  
You tried to be kind, to be interesting, pursuing hobbies, busying yourself to ignore the stench of misery following you, volunteering, going to social events every night, working to improve your social skills, trying out new things, talking to strangers, opening up, physically dragging yourself into doing stuff, leaving your comfort zone all the time.  
  
You fell right on your face. You realized you'll forever be incapable of catching up, having lost so much valuable time during personal development. You'll never be a real human person. So you gave up. And now it's truly over.  
  
**89**  
  
You'll die. And nothing you have done will have mattered. You have absolutely no control over your death, how it'll be perceived, what'll be done with your body. Your wishes won't come true. Just stare down at your own limp figure as the last thing you'll see, utterly and completely by yourself. And never wake up.  
  
**90**  
  
Your worst trait is that you keep everything inside, you suppress negative feelings, which inevitably explode into unfounded anger that you take out on others.  
  
**91**  
  
You're disappointed that you'll just become another statistic. That, in the end, that's all you've ever worked up to in your life. That is what you are.   
  
**92**  
  
Any side of humanity is terrible. Because humans are fundamentally terrible, no matter their stances on the world. It all boils down to self-reflective behavior, you want to protect people but mostly protect your own integrity and burdens. It doesn't matter what other people say if you can't get over yourself to really hear it. Immediately shitting on others for making mistakes, for not seeing beyond themselves, literally incapable of doing as such, these are universal. These apply to anyone. Which is why any side of humanity has the potential to hurt and backstab. You're on your own by biological necessity to maintain the ego.  
  
It just shows how little trust you have in the cause, in yourself and your peers. You wait for a single instance of bad faith, and it all crumbles down. So you wait, want for it to get better, but it gets worse. Perfection is a false goal, the way you look at others, waiting for a sign to turn back. Using all these empty words and phrases that distort your perception of fellow life. You know you're better than this.  
  
**93**  
  
No one can know what other people think, what their true intentions are. You don't know what they want.  
  
**94**  
  
Time doesn't stop for you.  
  
**95**  
  
You live in utter fantasy.  
  
**96**  
  
You're a disgusting human being. A terrible blight on society. Benefiting no one. This is why you must die. You know it'll only make it worse, but your sheer existence hurts others. You're an asshole who blames all his shortcomings on others, instead of looking within yourself to figure out what behavior causes you to be so alone. Your self inflicted exile doesn't improve anything. Shitting on yourself won't suddenly make up for all the terrible things you've said and done. You're the worst. Not even the worst, that's giving you too much credit. You're just pathetic.  
  
Stop demanding others cater to your every whim. Stop thinking people owe you their attention. They don't. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. Don't saddle them with your pathetic, whiny garbage. You'll just make it all about yourself, again and again, you will never amount to anything, because you don't want to. You don't want someone else to dictate your life either. You're just so fucking stupid. A lost cause. Nothing can save you because you won't save yourself.  
  
**97**  
  
The worst part is that you don't even want to sincerely hurt anyone. But you do, more often than not.  
  
Why can't you just be satisfied with what you have?  
  
**98**  
  
She said she doesn't know if she'll ever see you again, so she doesn't want to waste any second. She's convinced she won't live to see beyond the next fifteen years because of the state of the world.  
  
You've never seen someone so in love with herself while simultaneously talking herself down so much in your life. And that's saying something.  
  
**99**  
  
You just want to be left alone.  
  
**100**  
  
You'd never wish this form of pain upon anyone. But too many experience it. Some take their anger and lash out. Hundreds of lives lost to the whims of men who couldn't process their feelings, or blamed them entirely on society. Others go inward, take their anger out on themselves and punish themselves to death, blaming their feelings entirely on themselves.  
  
**101**  
  
You wonder how much, or how little, would have changed if you'd gotten into the college you'd wanted. Would it still have come to this? Would you have had a better or worse time there? Would you regret going there as well? Lose all hope there? Make tons of friends and leave them all behind there too? Would the workload there overwhelm you as well? Would your stay there, and the experiences thereof, accumulate into finalizing your decision to end your life all the same?  
  
You already know the answer, because these experiences are innate to who you are as a person. Of course nothing would have changed. Of course you'd fucking hate it. Of course you'd hate yourself and others. Nothing would have changed except the name of the city you reside in. You're stuck in a cycle, running on repeat. There's no running away from that.   
  
**102**  
  
Family member's concerns about you boil down to this:  
  
"Go wear your jacket. I'm cold."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** 79 - ** odesza - how did i get here


	6. the process of dying - Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man writing formal letters is EXHAUSTING and at this point my attempts at keeping every character nameless are starting to get really clunky hahaha. and i know logically every adult would use pronouns associated with afab when talking about mc but i just couldnt do it to my boi ok

**1**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
I gave your child a letter last week, intending for them to hand to you. Since I have to assume that they have not delivered it, I am writing to you again so that you are informed about everything.  
  
They received two one-hour arrests as punishment for repeatedly running away. During the first arrest, despite my colleague's intervention, they were unreasonable and unwilling to stay there. I was at the afterschool center afterwards and talked to them in an attempt to get them to come back to school with me. Unfortunately, it was unsuccessful.  
  
The day after, a similar situation emerged. First, they went with the affected colleague, then changed their mind and wanted to run away again. Our social worker was able to get them to go back to the classroom.  
  
On that first day, my colleague said that the child was not allowed to bring their scooter back to school. They are to park it at the afterschool center in the morning. They had their scooter with them again this morning. During a class with said colleague, the child remembered that they could bring their scooter to the afterschool center. The colleague told them that was not possible, they had to stay, and she would keep it safe until the end of class, where the child could then pick it up. The child took the scooter, marched down the stairs and had to be fetched back.  
  
This morning they threw their boots at a boy's head, though nothing of note had happened to initiate that action. In the subsequent conversation with them, they said that they did not know what was right or wrong. They were not ready to apologize to the boy.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**2**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
thank you for your letter.  
  
We will arrange an appointment with you.  
  
Since I do not know what your child tells you, I will inform you regularly now.  
  
At the start of the week, they kicked face during gym class.  
  
Yesterday, they stayed in the classroom during break unauthorized, put a female classmate's jacket in the trash can and hid the pens of two boys.  
  
Today they threw a metal bell at a male classmate's head. I told them to write down what they should do or how to act if they are annoyed by someone.  
  
They're supposed to write a letter of apology for the boy they threw the bell at.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**3**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
unfortunately, I am writing to you again today.  
  
Your child does not listen to me anymore.  
  
I asked them several times today to come to homeroom with me, because they are being co-supervised there during religion class. They refused to go. I tried to shove them in. Then they immediately striked at me and kicked me. Shortly after, they said to me, "I can kill you."  
  
For me, the limit of tolerance is reached. If such an incident happens again, I will apply them for school suspension at the school administration.  
  
I wish and hope that your child comes to.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**4**  
  
_I am not suitable for anything._  
  
_ I hate my misfortune._  
  
_ I've changed and I hate it._  
  
_ I don't know what to do._  
  
_ I'm bad at everything. Even sports._  
  
_ Where I used to be good, I'm out of luck. The team I play in always loses. Even if I play alone - I always lose._  
  
_ I hate my misfortune. I hate always making such radical change. That's why I love being alone, then I can't go wrong. I'm going to get kicked out of school now. I want to go to school. Nobody likes me and I don't have any friends._  
  
\--  
  
Dear homeroom teacher,  
  
I wrote their thoughts down for them as they spoke. After a while, they wanted me to leave their room, so I did. They cried for a while and then calmed down a bit, to which they said that they are tired and want to go sleep. I thought it was good too and left them alone. That is why there is no letter of apology for their classmate yet.  
  
They are a naive, unspoiled child. Their body began puberty, while in their head they are still a child. That would be the only explanation for me now. I do not know. They tell me a lot, but not everything.  
  
I know that they like the social worker and can talk well with her. My child searched her twice, but could not find her. I assume that she cannot be reached every day or all day. I believe that she could help. I also hope that we can find a way to help my child together.  
  
Your faithfully  
  
**5**  
  
Dear homeroom teacher,  
  
I am ready to go get my child tested, but I will think of it as a doctor's visit.  
  
I am aware that they have to learn how to deal with frustrations. They know their behavior is not right and that their explosive reactions must come to an end. They must and will learn that. I am ready to have them tested, then we shall see.  
  
They get teased and cornered. I thank you for your offer to come with me to the appointment at the medical center, but as I said, I consider it a doctor's visit, and can do it myself. Of course, I shall inform you of how it went afterwards.  
  
I am convinced that my child is not accepted, and gets teased and cornered for their skin color as well.  
  
I know now that they are constantly getting provoked and that they have to learn to handle it differently. In my opinion, behavioral therapy will benefit them more than community mental health care, but we will have to wait and see what the expert says.  
  
Yours faithfully  
  
**6**  
  
\- They need people who respond to their peculiarities. They do not have that.  
  
\- It's about what they need  
  
\- They have to learn how to deal with problems differently  
  
\- They are quick to react physically, not on purpose but automatically  
  
\- They can't cope when they experience new situations  
  
\- They can't deal with problems  
  
\- They don't feel accepted, why?  
  
\- How do they react to criticism, they are very sensitive  
  
\- Conflic: they intervened, the boy puts it away quickly  
  
\- They are more physically developed than other ten year olds  
  
\- They had sex-ed  
  
**6**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
today I once again had a meeting with our school's social worker. After a long and intensive conversation, we agreed that your child's difficulties and behavioral issues regarding their own person, and especially in dealing with classmates, hint at deeper problems that cannot be so fundamentally changed in the short time that they would be able to attend a secondary school successfully. I am very certain that you and your child will face big problems.  
  
Therefore, as the homeroom teacher, I see myself as responsible for initiating the necessary measures to review a need for educational support. If these measures are successful, as in when your child's educational needs are recognized, they can attend a school according to their education recommendation and get the necessary support there for their problems. Visiting these schools is expensive and is only subsidized by the state if urgently needed. These schools are often full-time schools, which would also meet your needs as a full-time worker.  
  
We would like to talk to you about this and ask you to come to the meeting room at the following time.  
  
Please let me know if you can come. If not, we have to arrange another appointment.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**7**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
I have enclosed a summary of what stands out about your child to me in particular.  
  
I do not want them to read this letter, or for you to talk to them about the mentioned behavior. That could have a negative impact on their relationship with me.  
  
That's why I closed the envelope. You are welcome to open it.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**8**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
I am happy for your child. Everything went perfectly this week.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**9**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
This week was very pleasant.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**10**  
  
Dear homeroom teacher,  
  
after our conversation two weeks ago, I had the impression that we understood each other and acted in concert. It looks like I was wrong.  
  
I was very honest and open with you, but unfortunately you weren't the same with me. Now after I read your letter, I remembered your story with the mother who cannot take care of her child and your question if my child's father had beaten them, which apparently was also addressed to me. I would have appreciated it more if you had asked me any questions you had directly. One needs more than imagination in order to evaluate something.  
  
I tried to explain to you what I thought, felt and went through after my conversation with your colleague. I love, live and want the best for my child.  
  
That is why I fell for you hook, line and sinker, and called the medical center as your colleague advised. There it was explained to me that it does not work the way your colleague envisioned it. My child's pediatrician, who has known them well for a long time, said that one should first start with a competent psychologist. So I accepted his suggestion and I will have an appointment with her in a few days, where I will discuss your suggestions with her. As you already know, my child has also been joining a group for promoting social skills once a week for one month now. I had a very good exchange with their supervisor.  
  
We should finally stop getting carried away and give my child the chance to work on their social behavior and reactions.  
  
I would like to thank you for not calling me at work and instead sending me a letter.  
  
I thought that we agreed: my child's recommendation is for middle school and they should go because there are a standard amount of students in a class, there is less pressure than in academic high school and it is full-time with food and homework supervision. My child sees it as a possibility for a fresh new start. I see it as a possibility for them to be a child. They are neither mentally disturbed nor do they have behavioral problems, and they do not need to go to a special school.  
  
You see big problems coming towards us. I see it this way: my child is being bullied and cannot handle it. They feel misunderstood and not accepted by the class. I also think you are responsible for creating a healthy class atmosphere for children. You need not and cannot like all the kids, but you have to approach them without prejudice. Therein lies, in my opinion, my child's social problem.  
  
In a previous letter, you proposed a special needs requirement review. Again: I have no problems with my child. They are not a crazy kid with behavioral problems, and there is no need to characterise them like that.  
  
For the past two weeks, I have felt what it is like to get pressured by you and now I can almost understand why my child is hiding in the restroom.  
  
If you really feel responsible and want to help my child properly, then please give them the feeling of being accepted and finally leave them alone.  
  
I do not think that further discussions with the school will get us anywhere. My child is not crazy and does not belong in community mental health care, which was your colleague's suggestion. They do not have behavioral problems and do not belong in a special needs school, which was your suggestion. It is not your domain as a school to decide what can and cannot change my child's behavior and in what time frame. I know my child best and know that they will have no problems at middle school, no more or less than the other, in your opinion, "normal" children will have them.  
  
In order to rule out further misunderstandings, I propose that future communication occur in writing. Therefore, I do not accept your proposed appointment date.  
  
Yours faithfully  
  
**12**  
  
Ms. asked me to summarize what we have observed about her child during afterschool care.  
  
The child has been attending our afterschool center, attended by children between the ages of six to twelve, for four years now.  
  
They have been standing out again and again, through statements such as: "nobody likes me," "nobody wants to play with me", although children go to them and enjoy spending time with them. We have even heard words such as: "I don't want to live anymore" from them in the past.  
  
They often retreat into their own world by painting and writing stories in which they express their experiences and their view on things. In these situations, they also often talk to themself in allocated roles: one is the "good" and the other the "bad" side, or one the "left" and the other the "right".  
  
They struggle to comply with existing rules. If this gets pointed out, they will usually feel like they are being treated unfairly. They escape conflict situations by disavowing, locking themself in a toilet, hiding or running away. In general, they are not ready to clear things up in conversation until much later, sometimes not even until the next day. During this, their own viewpoint is in the foreground.  
  
They have increasingly come into conflict with other children in the past half year.  
  
On one side, they get provoked - for example, when the door gets closed on them; or they themself initiate a confrontation - for example, when a question for a child is not answered to their satisfaction.  
  
In both cases, their reaction is disproportionately aggressive towards the other children involved. In these situations, they can no longer control their anger. They throw objects at the children or physically attack them with kicks, blows, often attacking them with what is currently available. They have injured children several times. An intervention on our part is only possible by holding them down, as they cannot calm down. Loud verbal abuse and threats accompany their actions.

Lately it's become apparent that they make small in-between noises while talking.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**13**  
  
Ms. asked me to put together a summary of her child's behavior for her. This is my fourth year as their homeroom teacher.  
  
They are intelligent, talented and creative. They write down their own stories and poems, which they like to illustrate. They observe carefully and sensitively. They take to mathematics quickly, but are not focused enough to learn.  
  
They often arrive to school with their head already bowed, looking down at the floor, shoulders hunched, arms hanging and with a slow-moving walk. They give a moody and depressive impression. This mood can turn from one moment to the next. They get happy, talk and tell about themself. It can ramp up to where they become cocky, almost boisterous.  
  
It may occur that they run to the blackboard to scribble something or throw a pencil into the air. I have been observing for about a month now that they rub up their palms and snip at the skin of their palms with scissors.  
  
Ever since they are in my class, they bemoan that  
\- nobody likes them  
\- no one plays with them  
\- no one wants to sit next to them.  
  
In the fourth school year, their negative impression of themself and others intensified. Their statements following unsuccessful school related experiences and/or arguments with schoolmates include  
\- I hate myself  
\- I'll kill myself  
\- I hate school.  
  
They usually behave passively. They seldom make contact with others. If they are approached by others, they sometimes join in, play with them for a short time and then separate again. By now they have learned to ask others if they want to play. But then what is remarkable is that they show only very brief interest in the joint activities.  
  
During play it is common that they want to play the role of game master, which ends up not being long-lasting, and they become disappointed at the slightest irritation and withdraw and/or become aggressive. They are unable to express their opinions or frustrations towards others verbally.  
  
Do difficulties of any kind arise, such as a disagreement and/or provocation, they immediately react in an unpredictable and aggressive manner: they strike, throw an object that is nearby, leap up and/or tear other's hair.  
  
Afterwards they usually run away, lock themself in the restroom, drum on the toilet door, throw toilet paper over the door and are unapproachable. Only a long time later can they be talked to. When asked about their behavior, they may deny what had happened, try to distract by talking about anything that has nothing to do with it, or they understand their wrongdoing, cry in utter despair, and say they hate themself and want to kill themself. They are often willing to apologize later, but not always ready to accept punishment.  
  
The aggressive attacks on other children have dramatically increased this school year.  
  
Surprisingly, there were no such incidents during a five-day residency stay half a year ago.  
  
They always busy themself with something: scribbling, doodling, painting, crumpling papers. They are only focused for a short amount of time. They must be reminded again and again to comply with the rules.  
  
When they get approached in the schoolyard by colleagues for their improper behavior, they ignore it and/or run away.  
  
They have physically attacked me twice. In the first situation, they had exchanged blows with a boy. I stepped in and separated the two. They then hit me in the shoulder and kicked me in the butt. The second time was when, after numerous failed verbal requests, I tried to shove them into a classroom. They turned in a flash and hit me in the face.  
  
Do not hesitate to contact me for further inquiries.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**14**  
  
_Development of the child_  
  
_Important points regarding biography, other changes, family losses_:  
  
I am a single mother since they were two years old. We lived in their birth city until they were four, where they went to kindergarten with six other children. After moving, they visited a kindergarten consisting of four groups of twenty children each. That's when they came into contact with a different language for the first time. They were very withdrawn and loved playing alone. They have sporadic contact with their father, and regular contact with their father's family  
  
_Social behavior in the family:_  
  
_ Can assert themself:_ yes  
_Adheres to rules:_ yes  
  
**15**  
  
Dear Ms.  
  
thank you for your detailed information and the enclosed letter from the medical center.  
  
I shall call the supervisor of the psychological counseling center over the phone.  
  
At the moment I have the impression that your child is developing positively. They get out of the way of conflict. They have become friendlier and more open-minded to both me and their classmates. This has led to them being in contact with others and maintaining it well.  
  
I wish you and your child all the best for the future and remain with best regards.  
  
Yours sincerely  
  
**16**  
  
_Crisis intervention_  
  
_ Case history:_ patient introduces themself after referral from the family doctor. They have always felt unwell. Lately it has gotten worse. They want to apply for college after graduating, by working to submit a portfolio. They feel pressured. They notice that they "cannot get anything done", that they are listless, unhappy, hopeless and anxious. They feel they are "heading south".  
  
When they were young, they thought they were being watched or listened to, and sometimes expressed phobia over becoming pregnant and lethal illnesses such as cancer. The patient negates active psychotic symptoms. There have also been suicidal thoughts for a long time, but they have no concrete plans, and they do not want to harm themself either. They have made a pact with a friend, who experiences similar circumstances, to make a living, to move out and start their own lives. They do not know what happens in a psychiatric ward. They could imagine possibly taking medications or going in-patient, but must think about it first.  
  
They assure they would not hurt themself and would reintroduce themself at a later date.  
  
_Alcohol:_ occasionally  
_Drugs:_ negated  
  
_Prehistory:_ psychological treatment for a short time as a child because of "aggressions". No self-harming behavior in prehistory. No psychiatric treatment.  
  
_Social:_ no siblings. Lives with mother. Raised multilingual. Parents are divorced. Graduated this year.  
  
_Mental condition:_  
Alert, lucid, well-oriented. Friendly, reports openly. Sometimes distrusting. Concentration and attention inconspicuous. Formal thinking sorted. No indication of compulsions.  
_Thought processes:_ slightly overvalued fears, no indication of delusions, no hallucinations, no ego disturbance. Depressive mood affective disorder, reduced emotional responsiveness.  
Drive reduced, psychomotor functions calm, suicidal thoughts, comprehensible and safe distance from acute suicidality. No acute risk to self or others.  
  
_Diagnosis:_ anxiety and depressive disorder  
  
_Therapy proposal:_  
Supportive conversation. Patient wishes no acute admission, no reasons for refraining that could cause danger to self or others, consultation with senior specialist follows. In-patient treatment recommended, flyer handed. Reintroduction follows, in case of of an emergency possible anytime.  
  
**17**  
  
_Reintroduction_  
  
_ Case history:_ reintroductory appointment. Things have not changed since the last appointment. Persistent motivation problems, dissatisfaction with their situation, feeling of taedium vitae (but without the presence of any suicidal impulses), self-doubt and insecurity, attention and concentration problems, joylessness, depressed mood. Patient reports that they actually do not know any different anymore, as they have had the above symptoms for years, estimated since ten years of age. They do not remember a trigger. There was no trauma. However, recently they have difficulty getting in and out of sleep (for about four to five months). What bothers them the most is that they seemingly cannot "get anything done" with regard to preparations for their studies. They must complete portfolios in about half a year, but they do not have the drive to manage doing so. They had been in the crisis outpatient clinic for the first time in their life in this respect, have felt for a long time that they might suffer from an illness. They do not have a concrete desire, they simply want it to "get better". No hints of addiction issues.  
  
_Social:_ lives with mother, has a completed education and a high school diploma.  
  
_Mental condition:_  
Alert, lucid, well-oriented. Very introverted during exchange, acts shy, more open over time. Concentration and attention reduced. Formal thinking broody, goes in circles. Thought processes: no indication of delusions, no hallucinations, no ego disturbance. Depressive mood affective disorder, disruption of liveliness, drive reduced with slight fatigability, life-weary without acute suicidality  
  
_Diagnosis:_ severe depressive episode without psychotic symptoms  
  
_Therapy proposal:_  
The symptoms of a severe depressive episode are apparent through display of all main criteria and a multitude of secondary criteria. According to the patient, this condition has remained more or less unchanged for more than five years. A treatment has not taken place yet. Whether the symptomatology corresponds more to chronic depression or to dysthymia is currently unanswerable and neither whether there were any ADHD symptoms already present in childhood. The patient was informed in detail about the treatment options and an inpatient therapy was recommended in the field of psychosomatic medicine. A continuation with outpatient psychotherapy was also advised as well as further medical treatment options. The patient is interested in treatment, but first wishes to have some time to think about it and will be back at a later date.  
  
**18**  
  
_Reintroduction_  
  
_ Case history:_ reintroductory appointment. Pat reports that they had pondered the diagnosis and that on the whole they feel relieved and validated. Something had already "loosened," they got a bit better at tackling their affairs. Their mother has also positively remarked that they are a bit more active in the household. However, the mother's inability to access mental illness still puts a great strain on them, with the mother describing their symptoms as "made up". They have decided that they will not take up the offer of psychosomatic-psychotherapeutic treatment, and instead want to try outpatient therapy, requests information in this regard. They still lack enjoyment in life, but suicidal thoughts or impulses do not exist.  
  
_Mental condition:_  
Alert, clear, fully oriented. Cooperative, reports openly, concentration and attention slightly reduced, formal thinking broody, goes in circles. Thought processes: no indication of delusions, no hallucinations, no ego disturbance. Depressive mood affective disorder, disruption of liveliness, drive reduced with slight fatigability, life-weary without acute suicidality  
  
_Diagnosis_: Severe depressive episode  
  
_Therapy proposal:_  
Detailed, resource-oriented consultation. Currently no inpatient treatment desired, reasons for which are understandable. There exists an urgent specialist indication for performing an outpatient behavioral therapy, in this regard the patient received detailed information on searching a therapist, possibly utilizing their health insurance. During the course of the outpatient therapy, the possibilities of a supportive antidepressive treatment should also be elicited, which the patient currently does not want. Agreed to a future reintroductory meeting. To complete the diagnosis an MRI might be necessary. In case of an emergency reintroduction is possible anytime.  
  
**19**  
  
_Reintroduction_  
  
_ Case history:_ reintroductory appointment. Experiences clear deterioration of health again since the start of the month, strong lack of drive, "nothing done" esp. not with respect to their portfolio for the colleges, feeling that time is running away … continued very stressful arguments with mother, because she does not believe that a mental illness is present. Pat continues to refuse medication, currently no desire for inpatient treatment. They simply do not know what to do next. Clearly distanced from suicidality.  
  
_Mental condition:_  
Alert, clear, fully oriented. Cooperative, reports openly, concentration and attention slightly reduced, formal thinking broody, goes in circles. Thought processes no indication of delusions, no hallucinations, no ego disturbance. Depressive mood affective disorder, disruption of liveliness, drive reduced with slight fatigability, life-weary without acute suicidality  
  
_Diagnosis:_ Severe depressive episode  
  
_Therapy proposal:_  
Consultation with renewed repetition of the treatment recommendations (medication, stat therapy). Pat very ambivalent. Offer for reintroduction, mother is welcome in order to have a family discussion about the situation. Get in touch in case of emergency at any time.  
  
**20**  
  
_Reintroduction_  
  
_ Case history:_ family discussion with mother. She confirms that the patient had been a more visibly happy, fun-loving child ten years ago before changing schools. She feels that they first and foremost lack self-confidence and tend to put themself in a negative light, despite there being no apparent reason to. The mother can report several "accomplishments" in the last twelve months where the pat overcame their lack of drive and thereby was "livened up" for a while. The mother emphasizes again that she doesn't want to stand in her child's way, but wants to do everything in her power to make them find their way. Regarding the portfolios, the mother got the impression that the pat overtaxes themself and is actually still working within the required time frame.  
  
The pat themself speaks little during contact, instead listens to their mother's explanations. A great sense of mutual trust is made apparent between them. The pat repeats that getting the diagnosis was a relief, because they can now interpret their self-doubt differently. There is a wish for further outpatient treatment from the clinic.  
  
_ Mental condition:_  
Alert, clear, fully oriented. Cooperative, reports openly, concentration and attention slightly reduced, formal thinking broody, goes in circles. Thought processes no indication of delusions, no hallucinations, no ego disturbance. Depressive mood affective disorder, disruption of liveliness, drive reduced with slight fatigability, no acute danger to oneself or others, no acute suicidality  
  
_Diagnosis:_ severe depressive episode, differential diagnosis moderate depressive episode  
  
_Therapy proposal:_  
Agreed to a potential future reintroductory meeting. In case of an emergency reintroduction possible anytime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **teacher:** do not, under any circumstances, exit this room and march down the hall with your scooter  
**mc:** [proceeds to exit the room and march down the hall with his scooter]
> 
> iconic


	7. histoires naturelles

**1**  
  
You're at your grandma's place, preparing to leave the living world.  
  
**2**  
  
It's petty to assume anything substantial will come out of this. You just end up painting yourself as disgraceful in life and bad mouth everyone who has and had tried their damned best with you.  
  
All those people who genuinely care for you, enjoy your company, respect you, appreciate your presence, even those who still think about you even though you're not in contact anymore. It may be hard to believe, but you're wanted in people's lives. People are willing to support you if you'd fucking let them. They want to listen and share their experiences with you. They want to help. They're not all bullies who are out to get you. They are normal human beings with their own lives, going through hardships and feelings of pain like anybody else. No one is perfect, that's fucking impossible. People have their bad and their good, even ambivalent aspects. It's about seeing worth in the good, trying to be the best possible version of yourself and inspiring others to do the same. Not by lashing out and constantly looking inwards.  
  
Part of being human is acknowledging each other's differences and learning to accommodate them. Learning how to communicate your needs and wants. No one can read minds, asshole.  
  
You're a bitter prick and do a disservice to the people who speak to you and try to engage with you despite your continuous efforts to thwart their attempts by pulling up glass walls. You get hurt so easily for no discernible reason. You are just a child.  
  
You hurt others by hurting yourself. You hurt others by not acknowledging them. You're hurting your friends and family.  
  
You're not the center of attention, you know this.  
  
You're in the wrong.  
  
Your thoughts are in the wrong.  
  
You know this, yet you keep doing it.  
  
**3**  
  
I love you. I've always loved you.  
  
I've loved you all this time.  
  
I've only wanted what's best for you.  
  
**4**  
  
You have all the means to live a decent life if you weren't so broken. But you're the one who's left the pieces on the ground, not picking them up.  
  
**5**  
  
_So all the cups got broke_  
  
_ Shards beneath our feet_  
  
_ But it wasn't my fault_  
  
**6**  
  
In the end, no matter what caused it, it boils down to it being your own decision. Your mind chose this path. Nothing else.  
  
**7**  
  
You were as honest with her as you could be, using "I-statements," trying not to pin all the blame on her, at least not intentionally. Talked about your sense of dread, jealousy, inferiority, immaturity, all your terrible behavior and thoughts. You took responsibility for your feelings, laid them open and gave her an ultimatum, telling her it's not her fault.  
  
You hate that you repress your feelings for years, then inevitably burst them out in an all or nothing scenario. This isn't the first nor last time you'll act like this. The only comfort is that this indeed has been coming for years.  
  
It went better than you expected. You didn't start crying, it felt like your body tried to multiple times but couldn't. You didn't immediately regret everything. You still sort of feel bad, and you don't know what'll happen next, but that's par for the course when a friendship that's held on for a vast portion of your young life gets torn up like this.  
  
She took it with as much grace and maturity as possible, which you admire. You thanked her for everything she's done for you. You desperately hope that wasn't an asshole thing to say because it was sincere.  
  
Fuck.  
  
For all the bad mouthing you love to do in the privacy of your own mind, you sure hate acting on it. You just ruined something valuable again. You don't know if it was the right, or best, idea, only that it needed to get out of your chest. She deserves nothing if not honesty.  
  
You didn't say how much you love her. You're pretty sure that's the absolute last thing one should say during a breakup.  
  
She'll keep you updated on a screening for a potential illness and that's it. You're pretty sure if she does end up having it, you'll drop everything to visit her. You don't know what that says about you.  
  
**8**  
  
It almost feels like a relief.  
  
Your body tries to make you freak out over it, but it's probably because it's still new.  
  
**9**  
  
There was a girl you used to keep seeing during recess, loitering around by herself. She dated another outcast who was shorter than her. She died, the news came suddenly. It was an accident. A car hit her. You remember some sort of memorial that was set up for her in the main hallway. When her boyfriend invited you over, a framed picture of her stood on a table.   
  
The was a guy in your class, shy but a welcome addition. He kept quiet, his presence one you can't really recall. He disappeared. Roughly a year later, he returned to clarify the sudden appearance, he had to leave due to severe depression and gender dysphoria. That was before you acknowledged your own, and you're sure he's forgotten about you, but his case was always at the back of your mind. You sincerely hope he is doing well, doing better.  
  
**10**  
  
You're reminded of what you will never have, will never achieve. Just because of who you were born as.  
  
**11**  
  
All those people you approached, trying your best to be engaging, smiling, they just didn't want you there. Thought you were worthless, disgusting. Pretending they didn't hear you. Don't want to hear you. Want nothing to do with you. Don't interact with you unless absolutely necessary. Out of politeness, if barely. All the people who barely spared you a glance or just straight up didn't react, as if a fly is buzzing over their heads that they don't want to bother with. All the people you try to start a conversation with but get cut short.  
  
Try and figure out why that is.  
  
**12**  
  
You were always just the funnyman, the clown, so you guess people would find these thoughts hilarious.  
  
**13**  
  
Part of what kept you alive so far is vengeance. Most of society views you as fundamentally beneath it. Won't give you the time of day because of how you look and what you are. They'd benefit the most from you being dead. You don't want to give others the pleasure of hating yourself.  
  
But man created unkind, unjust society. A world that caters to his tastes in specific, violates, humiliates in order to get it. Then refuses to acknowledge his role in it. You're so alone, so tired of playing this game you're destined to lose. It's not even worth the effort. You just hope your pain reaches someone else like you, someone who can share in the hardship and who goes through the same thing, feels less alone for it. The minute details don't matter.  
  
**14**  
  
You always leave early. There's no point in going in the first place.  
  
**15**  
  
No one cares about you, you don't care about anyone. It's a symbiotic relationship.  
  
**16**  
  
There's nothing waiting for you. You've reached the limit of experiences you're able to have.  
  
**17**  
  
It was never about who you are inside or what you went through. No one fucking cares.  
  
**18**  
  
Life really wasn't worth it. All suffering was meaningless.  
  
**19**  
  
They never let you do anything by yourself anyways.  
  
**20**  
  
You do not have the right to live.  
  
**21**  
  
You're so unhappy. It's like someone's choking you.  
  
It was a terrible decision. One you won't be able to turn back from. It's your fault.  
  
You really are a terrible person. You really didn't deserve her.  
  
All those people you walked away from. You hurt them. You keep hurting them. You monster.  
  
Nothingness. Nothing.  
  
Your heart aches.  
  
**22**  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.  
  
**23**  
  
No matter how much you wish you could do better, you will always end up repeating this cycle. You are an abuser. A sadist. You do not feel love. You do not feel empathy. You don't know how to feel coherent emotions.  
  
You love finding any reason to justify experiencing pain, to the detriment of others. You find any reason to shit at people, just so you can shit on someone. Love turning everything into a personal attack. Everything everyone does is about you, huh? Then you talk yourself up as being this grand, destructive monster. You're giving yourself too much credit in any respects. Don't you dare think you ever felt bad for someone. You never fucking cared in any way that mattered. You're ungrateful.  
  
You will never truly understand why you behave this way. Why deep down, you are such an abomination. In the end, the only one you ever looked out for is yourself. You deserve being tossed aside. Being abandoned. You leech. Destroy. Laugh in the face of suffering. You had it coming. Why would you think it could ever be any different. You haven't changed a bit, not since you were a kid. Die.  
  
**24**  
  
You're neglectful, dismissive, smartass, ignorant.  
  
**25**  
  
Your feelings don't matter to other people. Your intentions don't matter. Your wants don't matter. Your feelings, your pain, these are distant to nonexistent to other people, secondary. Regarded as less serious. It's the natural way.   
  
**26**  
  
You take yourself too seriously.  
  
Everything is just one big cosmic joke.  
  
**27**  
  
You're one of those people who sit on their ass complaining, doing nothing to change their situation but doing everything to make it worse.  
  
**28**  
  
You're never able to express how grateful you are to people because you know how backhanded that is.  
  
**29**  
  
Your mental illness or neurodivergence is fabricated. If it's true, you have a talent for talking yourself into something to the point of taking your own life.  
  
**30**  
  
Those who kept watching you fail without lending a hand.  
  
**31**  
  
You can't believe you used to be terrified of dying as a kid.  
  
**32**  
  
You don't want to live in a world where it just gets worse.  
  
**33**  
  
You're a narcissist who will never be able to feel and give people true love and affection. You will never be capable of looking at things from another person's perspective, so focused inward, so distant from others, you can't do anything but self-pity.  
  
You can't bear the thought. It's so painful. But it's what makes you such a monster.  
  
**34**  
  
Even if you did heal, this wretched, cruel world isn't one you would want to continue living in.  
  
The pain is something you can't bear to live with anymore. You've lived on for the sake of others the majority of your life. Always holding on merely because others might get sad if you're dead. Not for yourself.  
  
As a kid, as a teen, it was always "just a phase" that will "get better" and you just have to "think positive," get your ass in gear and just stop listening to yourself. You don't experience a chronic neurobiological disorder, you just lack self-esteem. Listen to others who know better.  
  
You have so much to live for. You're ungrateful. You have nothing to be sad about. You got a roof over your head and loving friends and family who care for you. You got potential, just focus on your hobbies and long-term goals. Just do all these things healthy people do like do sports thrice a week, meditate, listen to some fuck-off genre of music, eat yogurt, go out with friends every day and it's your fault you're like this. You're just not drinking the right snake oil.  
  
Even if the only thing that kept you alive some days was making yourself look forward to an upcoming release of a book or movie. Just to hold on longer when you had absolutely nothing else to look forward to. When getting out of bed was an uphill battle. When you fought against the raging stream with every measly step forward, with no one to guide you. The people who don't care for you and the full bundle of energy you don't have and how you're dead before you even died, saying you're fine because people only ask how you're doing to be polite and no one gives a shit about others. For fucking years it's been like this. You can't get better. Your death is long overdue.  
  
It's never a one-day decision. Your life builds up to it, prepping your mind. You don't see the pain ever ending. Then when you finally free yourself from your pain, others feel remorse, guilt, bereavement, rage. Anger, of all things. How dare you not see how much pain it brought them that you're not here for them anymore. Disregard your own mental agony that built and lead up to this. You're at fucking fault again, for desperately attempting to help yourself. Your reign of choices has been limited to self-extermination, fuck you for hurting people with your absence. You're selfish.  
  
Selfish. Everything is so selfish. Of fucking course it is. What's so fucking wrong about that. That's all everyone ever is, all everyone ever acts upon. The Self. Your experiences are naturally secondary to people's innate, constant experience of being themselves. Empathy doesn't seem to exist. It's only about you. You, me, us, them, everyone.  
  
You're sick of life, sick of others, sick of yourself, sick of forcing yourself to go on in an unthankful world, you're sick of it all. You're sick. It's time to do something completely for your own sake for once.  
  
Don't cry for people who would never cry for you.  
  
**35**  
  
We've merely breached the surface of understanding. Everything flows together.  
  
**36**  
  
Won't be her puppet any longer. Soon.  
  
**37**  
  
It's a fucked up feeling knowing your life will end soon, but having to continue pretending to be fine. Acting like you have long-term goals in front of others so they don't catch on. It's like a bile in your throat that won't come out. You can't open up to anyone about it lest they…stop you.  
  
You'll never feel deep connection to another human being for whatever reason. You never stood a chance. If anything, you regret not killing yourself sooner. You had to witness the world turn into even more shit. Or it always was shit and it's just now become more and more apparent just how doomed humanity truly is.  
  
You were never able to speak what's on your mind. That's why you're an artist. You express yourself through abstract means, but genuine words can never come out. You feel so fucking stunted. You always censor your words, abridge yourself, come off as patronizing. Never felt welcome because the one true obstacle is always yourself.  
  
You wish you had a legitimate reason for leaving. But all you do is bring misery. You're nothing even in the grand scale of nothingness that is life itself. You have nowhere to go, this is the path your life leads to. And then your existence gets mourned, more like whichever qualities people projected onto you, not knowing how rotten you've felt the whole time.  
  
The worst part is that whenever you think about your end, it's nerve-wracking, but there's also this awful sense of overwhelming relief. It'll finally be over. It's the one thing in your entire ass life that's been up to you, that you chose for yourself, that you're in control of, that you get to set up, the one thing no one else gets to dictate over you. It's your decision, your plan, only yours, no one else's. The one thing that's selfishly yours from beginning to end. Finally. Finally, finally something you are in charge of. It feels so isolating but powerful at the same time. It's all you can think about.  
  
It's something no one can know of. You could never truly open up anyways. Your end will just be as private and lonely as the rest of your life.  
  
**38**  
  
There are things you'll miss, of course.  
  
Drawing, writing, reading, crafting, daydreaming, thinking up story scenarios, listening to music you love, watching good movies, laughing your ass off at stellar jokes, watching people grow into their best selves and be happy, seeing humanity progress.  
  
Gazing up at the Moon, falling in love with the cats you see walk by on the street, observing crows interact with their families, looking at sunsets, swimming in the ocean, hearing the gentle melody of nature.  
  
But all these things continue on without you being present to appreciate it. You're a non-factor in the things you find beautiful. Fear of missing out never ends, because people miss out on something no matter what.  
  
**39**  
  
A selfish life is a wasted life.  
  
An immature person who can't grow up. Won't let himself.  
  
Repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  
  
Flinching at the prospect of change.  
  
This is all you ever were.  
  
This isn't art.   
  
**40**  
  
Who benefits from your death?  
  
You know there are people out there so filled with hate, they let it out with the explicit purpose of wanting the victim dead. Doing it yourself just makes it easier for them. They want you to feel worthless and dehumanize you, holding you back from being seen and feeling like an actual human being. It's signified constantly how they think you're fundamentally beneath them, and they get to control that point of view as if it's fact. It's shoved down your throat for as long as you live. You can't help but believe it. The burden is so heavy. You feel like you've lost the battle against that.  
  
Hierarchies are scum. No one deserves to be perceived as "better" or "worse" just for who they were born as, something you literally had no say over. You just got lucky if you're on top. You trample down a mass of people, break their skulls, in order to remain there.  
  
**41**  
  
It's sad that the happiest you've been in recent years was when your friends had come to visit and you hung out nearly every day for a few weeks. It was an honor being their friend. But you're sure you're just another casual friend in their line-up who did a decent thing one time.  
  
In the big scheme of things, you won't be remembered. You don't want to be.  
  
**42**  
  
Whenever you open up, you feel like you need to defend your position and feel insecure in whether it's justified.  
  
**43**  
  
You don't fit into the slot that society carved out for you.  
  
No one is truly well intentioned.  
  
You feel so distant from your past self, now with everybody revealing just how malicious they are, and how people twist the truth so they don't have to acknowledge that the world is burning in every sense of the word.  
  
You see everyday how much the world doesn't want you. Throws you under the bus, when the big, mainstream, most popular names time and again say and do disgusting things with no reprimand, a huge cheering audience — signalling to you how they want you to take up as little space as possible, how you shouldn't even be an option, how unimportant it is that their actions hurt others. Meanwhile people are hurt or murdered for who they are or were born as. The world and the people living in it made clear most of them don't think you have the right to even exist. Everybody fights for their own version of the narrative with there being multiple versions of the truth, the one thing that shouldn't even be a fluid concept.  
  
Bullies understand the horrors of damaging others or how the victim might feel. The difference is that bullies project it onto themselves as if they're the victim when they perceive push-back for their actions, instead of owning up. They see themselves in the right while acting the underdog. Why does this phenomenon occur?   
  
The real world is awful. And you don't even experience the worst of it and you're already fucked up like this. You're weak.  
  
**44**  
  
Your life is disposable. You're gone from one minute to the next. Just like that.  
  
**45**  
  
Knowing your time in this world is ending soon is a comfort.  
  
**46**  
  
You found an old scrunched up paper with a poem you had written a decade ago.

_I wish I wasn't born  
I wish it wouldn't be this way  
I wish I wasn't torn  
I wish I wouldn't live this day  
I wish I wouldn't be here  
I wish I could fix all mistakes  
My life very unclear  
I wish I knew what it takes_

_I don't need this poem to rhyme  
Being depressive is what I do in my spare time  
It's like I enjoy making myself unhappy_

_Walking cross the way  
Father's boy  
Please stay  
I don't know how to feel  
This life seems so unreal_  
  
**47**  
  
Grow up. God, you're not the only one in the world with problems.  
  
**48**  
  
You don't think you're ever going to be okay.  
  
**49**  
  
You gotta come clean…you have a strong want of Death. You can't take this anymore. You're tired. You want to die.  
  
**50**  
  
Let me end. Let me end. letm e end. let me go. let me leave.  
  
**51**  
  
Well, you can't handle it. Everything is so bleak, everyone hates everything, nobody can be trusted, everyone is cynical, it's everyone for themselves, too bad you're a weakass softy who can't handle it and just wants to fucking escape from it all.  
  
**52**  
  
You can't escape the past no matter how hard you try. No matter how much you try to remove yourself from it or try to forget it. You're still that dirty, angry, egotistical brat who's full of himself in a lost attempt to appeal to others. A prissy rich bitch who wallows in superficial first world problems because you're so hyper-sensitive and can't do anything by yourself.  
  
You don't deserve escaping yourself through death. You'll go through with it anyways because that's just the kind of shithead you are. Get out of people's lives. You help them but ultimately break them. It's the only consistent pattern throughout your life. You never learn or improve.  
  
Hurting people then leaving them to pick up the debris. Did you ever really give a shit or did you just talk yourself into that? Why would you ever think you were a decent person. Get that thought out of your mind right now and forever. You might have fun sometimes but the risks are too high, you are bound to ruin it. Ruin people. You can't get over it but it doesn't fucking matter. It hurts.  
  
It hurts.  
  
So much shame. So much shame. So much shame.  
  
**53**  
  
Guilt gets you nowhere either.  
  
Nothing gets you anywhere.  
  
At least you die knowing you were a complete asshole in life with no one to blame but himself.  
  
There's only so many times you can run away until you realize there's nothing to run away from.  
  
Everyone knows how terrible you are. You're just the dumb shit who took twenty-one years to figure that out on your own.  
  
**54**  
  
Can't stop drinking.  
  
At that point you're more accepting of instigating your own death.  
  
You're at peace with that fact. That you'll leave this life behind soon. There's no other choice.  
  
**55**  
  
You will never move on. That's okay.  
  
**55**  
  
Everyone fucking dies. Everyone ceases to exist. Life is a lethal disease. You fucking die and nothing ever meant anything. Get over yourself.  
  
You're going to die.  
  
The graveyards are glorified garbage disposals.  
  
**56**  
  
You never had any control.  
  
It's time to let go.  
  
**57**  
  
Some people can't be saved.  
  
**58**  
  
Ego. Ego. Ego. Ego. Ego. Ego.  
  
**59**  
  
_Nothing like a big bad bridge_  
  
_To go burning through_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **5 - ** lorde - team  
**59 - ** lorn - acid rain


	8. moonlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go
> 
> semi automatic by twenty one pilots except no one lives on
> 
> content warning again: it is rly graphic. please stay safe
> 
> ** x - ** architects - gone with the wind  


**x  
  
** _As I freeze to death, left to reflect _  
  
_What a waste of time I was in retrospect_  
  
_I'd take a leap of faith, but I'd lose my nerve_  
  
_In the end, I'll get the hell that I deserve_

**1**  
  
Everyone is better off without you. There was no other way this would've ended. You deserve to suffer real pain.  
  
**2**  
  
You don't owe them your presence.  
  
**3**  
  
You're someone whose life wasn't worth enduring.  
  
**4**  
  
Death feels like home.  
  
**5**  
  
Existing isn't the same as living.  
  
**6**  
  
You've set the date.  
  
You're trying not to make a big deal out of it. It's just another calendar day.  
  
Your heart jumps with joy more than anything. You can finally get out of here.  
  
**7**  
  
You're ready. Counting down the days. It's rough pretending you still have a vision for the future when in truth it's all completely blank.  
  
You feel like you're sick and your stomach is in pain, you can barely get out of bed.  
  
**8**  
  
You started smoking and cutting skin, because why at this point try to preserve your health if you won't live to see next year.  
  
Because there's no point in pretending you aren't inevitably turning into your mother.  
  
Because you have to break skin to learn to desensitize to pain even further.  
  
The downside is that cigarettes fucking reek but you'll probably get used to it like with alcohol.  
  
And you'll have to keep buying more bandaids.  
  
**9**  
  
It enhances the loneliness.  
  
**10**  
  
You take too long to achieve anything.  
  
**11**  
  
Because of your fate of being a social outcast, you'll be forgotten within the week. Acquaintances will act as if they mourn you and feel sad to get their social fix and immediately move on.  
  
Everything you had to say will get labeled as 'irrational' and 'deranged' because of your severe mental illness, so that people don't have to think about their part in it. You continue to suffer by their hands with nothing to show for it.  
  
Your presence means nothing. You were born to lose, to burn your own skin. So alone. No matter how hard you had worked. It would be pathetic if it weren't so sad.  
  
You will be wholly defined by your suicide which will make people refuse to think of you, overriding the life experience you've lived up to that point. People are cruel in life and will continue to be cruel in death.  
  
No one cares whether you're there or not, only if it's convenient at the moment.  
  
Your life meant nothing in the grand scheme of things.  
  
Your contributions were minimal and ultimately worthless, like you.  
  
You will die as you lived: in self-inflicted pain.  
  
And it's hilarious. You had it coming.  
  
You have to die. There's no other alternative to removing the pain that is life and existence. You don't seek to.  
  
You just wish you'd done it sooner, because it truly never gets better. You had the right idea since the start but kept pushing because others demanded you to, because you were made to think it's temporary. It's nice to know that feelings that last for almost fifteen years or 75% of your life constitute as temporary.  
  
You just need to get over it by drinking some green tea. Mental illness isn't real. People die by suicide over the smallest things. I've been depressed once, and just thought more positively and now I'm better, clearly that is a universal experience and you just enjoy wallowing in your own filth.  
  
I don't want to acknowledge your pain because it makes me uncomfortable and makes me think I have failed you which can't possibly be true because I'm so amazing. You're in the wrong for hurting me like this. Why don't you think of me for once? I'm so fucking angry at you for doing this to me.  
  
**12**  
  
You got the materials.  
  
You feel jittery, as if your heart is close to bursting with joy. You're shaking.  
  
You hate that it's come to this, that your life gets cut short, that this is the world we live in, a world where the vast majority suffer. Why did this have to happen?  
  
**13**  
  
The pain will finally be gone. The thoughts will finally disappear. The past will finally be banished.  
  
You welcome Death with open arms.  
  
**14**  
  
You don't want to work your life away for some snob to gain even more money. The game is rigged. You don't want to grow old when it'll only get worse. This is a decision, your own decision that you spent years contemplating, yet people will brush it off as an irrational act. Dismiss it by saying depression made you do it, ignoring the fact that depression is caused by something, not a cause in itself.  
  
No matter how much therapy or medication or CBT you do, if the underlying problem is the shit world we live in, there's no salvaging anything. People find suicide so mysterious and baseless, but don't take the time to actually listen to suicidal people, conclude what got them to that point.  
  
Some people don't want to live. Living isn't for everyone. Not everyone sees the hardships or even constant pain as worth it. Why is that so hard to get? Why make that dreadful realisation so much harder for them?  
  
Why endure all this garbage for decades when you can just leave?  
  
What makes the thought of wanting to die so horrifying for outsiders? What caused the stigma of death by your own hand? Again, who benefits from people reinforcing this world view?  
  
Life isn't inherently good or bad. Life is what you make of it. And some want to make away with it. That is their own choice if they sat on it for years. They have the bodily and mental autonomy to decide if it's not a spur of the moment thing.  
  
Suicidal people get shit talked while they're alive, and then get shit talked after they die by suicide for different reasons. Real nice going there.  
  
**15**  
  
You've failed everyone you've ever known.  
  
**16**  
  
People are always on your mind, but you're never on their mind. They forget you exist. You mean nothing to them.  
  
**17**  
  
Honestly, I'm a bit pissed off at you. Why won't you leave for good? Why still keep it ambiguous? Why not let it be final? I gave you my ultimatum. And you keep it dangling on a thread. I want you to leave me alone. Why can't I have this. Why can't I have the guts to tell you this. You don't want to be abusive or hurtful. You just want it to be over with. You can't stand to see her. Your patience has run dry.  
  
And in the end you abandoned her. You monster.  
  
**18**

You're too sensitive to live. Too soft to survive this hellhole.  
  
**19**  
  
You'll never be a good person. Not even a decent one. You're rotten.  
  
It feels like Death is calling you home.  
  
**20**  
  
Why can't you be one of those queer people who are open and confident in who they are. The world desperately needs more of that. Staying true to oneself and not shrinking down no matter what is radical and powerful in itself. You can't do that.  
  
**21**  
  
Empathy is dead and we killed it. Nobody cares until it's too late and only then because they feel bad for their own reputation. No one wants to hear how bad you have it. No one gives a shit what you go through. You'll get ostracised for daring to be genuine and open during a zeitgeist where people hide behind 'irony'. Where someone's pain has become someone else's entertainment. Where suffering is met with laughs. Or not even considered. Distant. Where cries for help are dismissed.  
  
There is no such thing as unity. Bonds are artificial.   
  
**22**  
  
You've ruined your own life. Nothing and no one else is to blame. You got yourself to this point. Because you're too stubborn to ask for help or properly repent for your sins.  
  
Of course it feels inevitable when your entire life's course is fixated into creating this miserable path. There was no other way this could have ended. You did this to yourself. You let yourself get this far.  
  
What makes you weaker: clinging to life for so long or finally succumbing to death?  
  
Ultimately, you did horrible things and are paying for it.  
  
Your legacy is stained with filth.  
  
You hope no one forgives you.  
  
**23**  
  
You're grateful for your friends' and family's patience with you. For being willing to see past the bad things and acknowledge your pain as part of you.  
  
You're grateful for the friends you've made and the diverse group of people who've come and gone during your lifetime, for the people you can think back on fondly.  
  
You're grateful people can find good in you and let you into their lives, and creates bonds with you. You're humbled by the people who were inspired by you and respected you. Those who said you had a meaningful impact in their lives.  
  
You're grateful to those that moved on, who saw your bad behavior and disengaged properly and maturely.  
  
You're thankful for all the times you shared laughs with friends and family members, people accepting of your quirks. The friends who remained despite your continual episodes of shutting them off.  
  
You're sorry for all the hurt you've caused. You're sorry for the hurt you will further cause.  
  
You're sorry for making people worry about you, for wanting to toss people aside so readily for daring to be human and making mistakes too.  
  
You're sorry it wasn't enough and that you haven't improved. That you turned out to be such a terrible person.   
  
You're sorry it's come to this.  
  
You love them. You did.  
  
In the end, you weren't able to prove it.  
  
**24**  
  
You don't care what causes this anymore, what's valid and invalid, what's true or false, what brought you to this conclusion. You don't want to pathologise your whole life.  
  
It doesn't matter what you think and soon you'll be gone and therefore unable to continually express your thoughts anymore anyways. You can't defend yourself within your own mind forever. In the end, it's your actions that ultimately mattered. And no matter the root cause, they lead to this.  
  
**25**  
  
The way mental illness is depicted and treated in society is a farce.  
  
**26**  
  
You were so fucked from the start.  
  
You don't and can't form human connections, you can't contribute to an in-depth conversation, can't express your thoughts properly, you can't help anyone in their time of need, are extremely awkward, and you hate opening up and sometimes physically can't.  
  
It's like there's a black tar running down your body whenever someone gets close, and your throat closes up whenever you genuinely try to open up to someone. Every relationship ends up so shallow and superficial, temporary. You lost man, doomed from the start.  
  
It's none of their fault that you're such a failure.  
  
**27**  
  
You want to spite the people in your life and leave them hanging, but in your heart you do want to send them letters and give them closure and give away your personal items to them and say how sorry and grateful you are. You can't even tell if they'd tag along or just ruin the plan you set out, since you won't see the outcome.  
  
You want to be angry and fill the letters with seething words but in your heart you know they did their best and/or don't care, they fucking did what they could who are you to mouth off at them? You can't help but want to thank everyone and apologise for your behavior. Displaying yourself as wrong.  
  
Why is that? They're not saints, they contributed to hurt whether intentionally or not. Your ex also admitted to not being an innocent. You're seeing solely black and white again, you can't tell which path to take. Leave them hanging like you should or give them final letters and items like you want?  
  
You guess this is the time as any to be selfish but it's also being kind of selfless. You don't want your items to go to waste and want to thank your friends for even letting you into their lives and do them one last solid, as weak as it is.

Is that the low bar of standards you've reached? Thanking people for even giving you the time of day? None of them were really that close to you, you'd say it's probably just about average despite how close you feel to them since you suck at opening up. You're more of a glorified acquaintance and spouting all these platitudes would only display just how lonely you were that you're thanking someone for hitting you up first sometimes and showing concern.  
  
Fuck, you're so pathetic. You can't even get this right. You do realise that none of this ultimately fucking matters? No matter how much you plan and organise, people are people and don't have to follow along. Stop having faith in people.  
  
Love is the worst game to play, and this is the worst possible moment to start thinking sentimental thoughts. You should have realised how much you truly care for them before going with your plan you fucking idiot. Now your body is trying to use any method in the book to make you stay just a while longer.  
  
Well, it's too fucking late for you. Doomed from the start and all. Your brain lacks shame in just how desperately it hold onto life and uses any single, tiny instance it can to keep you clinging to your miserable fleshy existence. But you know there's nothing out there for you. You're an asshole. You're all alone. You're the motherfucker who brought you this far. See it through, you coward.

You don't even deserve the luxury of expressing gratitude. It's so hypocritical.  
  
You're such a monster. Die.  
  
**28**  
  
You're totally gonna become a reaper once you die. That's what want your first full-time job to be. You can hang out at cemeteries or hold people's hand to comfort them in their last moments.  
  
The depiction of death as an ominous bringer of destruction comes from times of horrors and uncertainty that had surrounded it, since it could hit anyone at any time with no hope of a cure.  
  
For you, death is more the certainty and inevitability in the organic matter that makes up your body and the temporary state of your existence. Experiencing death can be like falling asleep and never waking up, lost to the void forever. It might sound terrifying, but it's because it's the unknown.  
  
When you do get close to death, your body goes through the stages of desperately fighting against it to eventually succumbing to it. Death is patient. It's reliable, because it waits for everyone and eventually guides them to Valhalla.

Yes, thinking of it this way is corny. You feel drawn to death imagery, skulls and reapers with scythes all just lurking in the shadows. You don't find it scary. Once you become a harbinger of death, you want to ride on a cool skateboard and wear sunglasses on your skull. That'd be so funny. You'd probably own like fifty black cats. 'Own' isn't the right word. They'd be colleagues who look out for humans from afar.  
  
Dying is terrifying and violent. Death itself leads the soul it reaps to a gentler place.  
  
Also Death is a goth. You don't make the rules.  
  
**29**  
  
Now that you've got all the materials set up, you feel tense. You don't know what causes it. Anxiety? Nervousness? Excitement? Trepidation? Horror?  
  
The reality of your situation is starting to truly dawn on you. The only thing that's stopping you now is yourself.  
  
You know if you don't do it soon, you'll keep procrastinating. You feel some sort of responsibility to get your affairs in order. You wish this was easy. You thought people feel happiness and relief once their ticket to hell is practically in their hands. Your hands are shaking.  
  
You figure your body will never want to let you get away with this. It keeps feeding you with thoughts to just wait for another day. Another day that you know won't come. You have bad memory, so your brain started filtering out all the bad things about life all of a sudden. Give me a break.  
  
This was over ten years in the making. You won't suddenly turn a new leaf and see the fault in your ways and become a completely new person. You've been working at a dead end, clawing at the wall in hopes it'll break and make way for a new path. Your hands are bleeding from the effort. I love you, but there's no other way.  
  
Get your things in order and let this be the last month you'll ever live.  
  
Maybe the stress is from realising how mundane death can really be. It was that simple all along.  
  
Time is running out, baby.  
  
**30**  
  
Now that the shock has worn off, you feel at ease again. Powerful, in a way. In control. This was your own decision, one you set up all by yourself, all for yourself.  
  
You wonder what could've stopped this. If there was any way to stop it at all.  
  
Don't rush it. It's right there waiting for you, not going anywhere. It won't take long until you feel nothing at all anymore. No joy, happiness, relief, peace, excitement, love.  
  
No fear, anger, shame, regret, sadness, terror, pain, envy, misery, loathing, aggression.  
  
How you feel won't matter once you're dead.  
  
**31**  
  
You just had your last pizza.  
  
It tasted like any other pizza.  
  
**32**  
  
Why did you ever hold hope? You'll never be pretty. You'll never be talented. You'll never have friends who you regularly hang out with in their room, or go to remote places to and live out your youth with.  
  
You are a failure of a human being. Don't let the happy moments fool you. They're so few and far between, normal people experience joy every single day. You're not needed in any way. You'll never be a normal person.  
  
You have nothing to offer to anyone. You say you like people, but you're background noise for them. You're missing out on so much.  
  
I can't believe the gall you have sometimes. _Oh boo hoo my life sucks soo baaad whine whine whine._ Fuck off. Get a fucking grip. Look at how childish you're being. You know this. You know you're a fucking spoiled brat who's so fucking needy and perfectionist and doesn't get 100% what he wants all the time and boo hoo that's such a tragic life. There are people with real problems out there who manage to stay strong and hold on. Not you. You're a lowlife. A disgrace.  
  
**33**  
  
You do realise how fortunate your circumstances truly are, how convenient most things have been. And you'll just throw that away, huh?  
  
**34**  
  
It sounds odd, but you feel like you don't deserve the release of death. You deserve to suffer, right? So you don't get to take 'the easy way out'. Not that anything about it is easy, it's not.  
  
You should suffer tremendously as you die. Or better yet, fail and face the consequences of daring to think you could just leave like that.  
  
You know it'll hurt others. You don't know to what degree, but you know some may experience severe loss. Or all those other complex grief things. Or maybe you give yourself too much credit and you'll be discarded into far gone memories sooner than you think.  
  
Do you want to keep living for the sole benefit of others so they don't feel bad, while hating every minute of it, or finally rid yourself of your pathetic existence that leads to nowhere?  
  
You know what awaits you, and still your brain tries to talk your out of it with breadcrumbs. Great, you had a good conversation for a bit while the rest of the day was utter shit and exhausting. These small moments are great but holy shit you will never get what you want, what you need, you will keep stagnating and life will keep getting worse.  
  
These small kind moments mean nothing to others, not as much as they mean to you, because they get to experience it way more and have the luxury of taking it for granted.  
  
People supporting them. Being deserving of support, having earned it. Baby, you are worthless trash and so easy to ignore. So easy to toss aside. You do it too, you bitch. You will never be satisfied.  
  
I love you, but you don't even deserve that much.  
  
**35**  
  
You are defective. Deformed.  
  
You are responsible for taking out the trash.  
  
**36**  
  
You'll do it.  
  
No more distractions.  
  
**37**  
  
You can dislike people all you want, but fact of the matter is that they lead more satisfying lives than you. They get to be ordinary human beings with the gift of being able to make contact with people. Everyone is able to make friends naturally while you struggle to maintain the few you have, or you chicken out and walk away from them.  
  
Honestly, good riddance. You will never be ordinary. It is too late for you. At least you have the fortitude of ending it soon instead of continuing to cling to a false hope. You have done that for years and look where that got you. You will just keep repeating the cycle.  
  
Everything in life has been handed to you on a silver platter, and you cannot even get that right. You put everything, everyone's efforts, to waste. You would not get anywhere no matter how high up your spirits get or if you finally become motivated. Even as you try hard you do not have the skills to get better.  
  
You had a good life, but you wasted it, wasted it.  
  
You did your damn best but it was not worth it.  
  
You wish you were never even born at all.  
  
**38**  
  
You leave chaos in your wake.  
  
**39**  
  
Here's to all the things you aspired to be, aspired to have, but never achieved. Which, let's be real, are most things.  
  
Here's to all the stories you'll never tell, the fictional characters you've conceptualized, but could not and never will bring to life.  
  
Here's to the pet you've never had nor will ever have, who you'll never get to cherish and dump your remaining drops of love onto.  
  
Here's to all the great music you won't hear. All the great films you'll miss out on.  
  
Here's to you never having felt love or loved.  
  
Here's to you never having gotten to live as yourself. To you who will ultimately not be remembered as your true name and gender.  
  
Here's to the friends and family you'll hurt by doing this.  
  
Here's to all the people who will pretend to have known you. They never did. You don't want them to dare act like they knew you, that they 'understood' you, to pretend they could tell what was going on, what 'caused' you to end your life. You don't want strangers acting as if they cared about you.  
  
You know there will be anger, frustration, regret, 'how could he have done this to me?', making this all about them, about their own sorrows. Even to the very end, you disappoint people. You can't imagine your death being anything other than initially shocking, but ultimately confusing.  
  
Whatever. No matter how much you ruminate on it, you won't get to witness the aftermath anyways.

**40**

The world doesn't care about you. The world is not about you.

**41**

Soon you can finally stop pissing off your mom with your whiny behavior.

**42**  
  
You have nothing to live for aside from mindless consumption. You're already dead. So alone. You'll be okay, baby.  
  
**43**  
  
Life was never any good. Do people really genuinely enjoy living? You can't imagine that.  
  
**44**  
  
There's no point in waiting or hoping for humanity to 'get better' because that day will never come. People are the same they were ten thousand years ago.

You don't care for the question 'what are we here for?' because primarily the answer has been destruction, secondarily we're all meaningless. We busy ourselves with pointless shit to distract ourselves from the fact that we inhabit mortal bodies that will die from randomised causes.  
  
**45**  
  
What kept you alive all this time? What convinced you to stay a little longer for so long if it never even benefited anyone? It was only for you.  
  
**46**  
  
Would you still be miserable if you didn't have this frame of reference of who you're "supposed" to be?  
  
Fact of the matter is you can't stand to live much longer.  
  
All you do is complain and do nothing to get better. Someone like you needs to stop wasting people's time and energy with your edgy angst.  
  
You're taking the easy route instead of fixing yourself because you're lazy.  
  
I can't believe people ever saw any worth in you. It's an illusion. You've tricked them.  
  
**47**  
  
You're too exhausted to talk to people.  
  
**48**  
  
You are so scared. There are fleeting thoughts that maybe you could get better after all or be happy someday, but you know it's a pipe dream that won't happen anytime soon.  
  
Everything was just a phase. Life itself was just a dumb phase.  
  
**49**  
  
You hate yourself so much that you don't approach people as much as you want to. That stance is what got you so perpetually lonely in the first place. But just walking up to people would make them get annoyed at you since your social skills are miserable and don't improve much. You can confidently hold small talk by now but that's all it boils down to.  
  
Why the fuck does it even matter to you that much? Why can't you just get by with being alone? That's all you've ever done for the majority of your life. And even when people care you make up reasons to ignore them. What the fuck is wrong with you?  
  
Stop being such a little bitch.  
  
**50**  
  
Do you feel adult for once by smoking?  
  
Do you feel your pain is valid by cutting skin?  
  
**51**  
  
Nothing matters.  
  
**52**  
  
You won't miss out on anything. People will continue to be self-serving and companies will continue to bring disgusting men into power while enforcing immense amounts of violence in order to maintain it.  
  
The world is dying and you see it as a mercy.  
  
If God is real you hope He regrets what mankind was bound to become.   
  
**53**  
  
No one is there for you. People would rather fight for their right to be abusive, and you're about to just give up and leave. You're falling right into their hands.  
  
You get cursed with knowledge so that you're made aware of the fact that humans could do better and just don't want to because humans are innately destructive and don't have an instinctual or societal incentive to be better. You should know since you're one of them, you should remain strong and live on despite the hardships as a big fuck you to them. Instead, you're about to commit a huge mistake.  
  
Good will is tainted.  
  
Everyone is an enemy.  
  
**54**  
  
You want to love life. You want to love people. But there are too many nuances and everything's going downhill, you're too simple-minded and paranoid to assess risk and make in-depth judgment. Giving up and staying compliant is a luxury no one can afford in this day and age.  
  
What does one more worthless life like yours matter? But you know the numbers stack up, and fall prey to preconceived expectations.  
  
Why is your existence more of a stance than anything?  
  
There are no options left that you can reasonably power through. You can't stand up for yourself or others. Why is everything a dead end?  
  
Your expectations were already so low they reached the ocean ground and you're still disappointed.  
  
You can't afford to be picky and you still fume with rage.  
  
Everyone should be dead to you. Instead it'll be the other way around.  
  
You just can't win.  
  
**55**  
  
You can't wait to leave.  
  
It won't get better.  
  
Fuck this sick loveless Earth.  
  
**56**  
  
In the end you could never process your feelings or make out culprits.  
  
**57**  
  
You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die.  
  
**58**  
  
People get to be silly and quirky and still be loved and valued.  
  
It's like a pulsing scar on your chest whenever you think about how you're excluded in that fact. No matter what, the smallest hint of otherness harbors brutal cruelness and social exclusion. Everything about you is wrong and you possess no sanctuary, only false help and even more false hope.   
  
Advice isn't universal. You can't just 'get better' by 'going outside more,' 'talking to people' or some shit. The problem is you're defunct. You cannot naturally play along nor can you catch up to these hellish games.  
  
You're wasting everyone's time trying.  
  
People want you just fuck off already and die.   
  
**59**  
  
Everyone is gone. You're so alone. You are nothing.  
  
Some people are just meant to lose.  
  
You did it all wrong. It's like you're stuck at the awkward teen phase except it's every single phase.  
  
**60**  
  
It's said about celebrities who die by suicide that they "had everything". They get mourned for "what they gave us".  
  
Again, dismissed is the fact that they clearly didn't have everything, and their labor gets put above their sense of health and self.  
  
**61**

You were meant to hurt.   
  
The red marks keep piling up.  
  
**62**  
  
You wasted your life and there's no salvaging it. You've wasted your life and you'd keep doing it.  
  
**63**  
  
You're tired of surviving.  
  
The deathday can't come soon enough.  
  
You have no place in this world. Never have.  
  
**64**  
  
**It was so easy. You could've done it this whole time.**  
  
**65**  
  
Living on your own is nearly impossible. But living with others who have to take care of you to make up for your incompetence makes you feel like a leech.  
  
**66**  
  
Kill me.  
  
**67**  
  
You're under no illusion that it won't be a hard time.  
  
**68**  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You're all alone.  
  
You can't take it anymore.  
  
You can't take it anymore.  
  
You can't take it anymore.  
  
**How does it feel?**  
  
**69**  
  
You should've died weeks ago. You're just a walking corpse by now.  
  
**70**  
  
You have nothing to offer. You're useless. You're only making this harder for yourself. You don't put in the work to improve.  
  
You mean nothing to anyone.  
  
It hurts.  
  
So why aren't you crying?  
  
**71**  
  
You're well aware no one can achieve anything without putting some work into it. You give up so easily. So why the fuck were you even studying. You know why. It's not reason enough. You wasted a perfectly good spot for someone who could've used it more.  
  
It's like something's holding you back from progressing in any way. You have nothing to offer to anyone. You did the bare minimum just to survive and it lead to nothing. You lost and it's your fault yadda yadda yadda.  
  
**72**  
  
Knowing your timeline ends in a few days. It's scary. You have no way of telling what's going to happen. You're jumping into the unknown and there's no turning back. Falling into the void kicking and screaming. It's a terrifying thought, but one you've postponed for too long.  
  
This is the one thing you're wholly and truly alone in from beginning to end.   
  
**73**  
  
Look at it this way.  
  
Some severe short term pain in exchange for an infinite length of being painless.  
  
Nothingness.  
  
**74**  
  
In the one hour span that you were outside, you somehow ended up interacting with three strangers. One was a woman in her 60s talking about how traveling the world taught her tolerance and to take things less seriously, the other two were chit chat with cashiers. It was strange. Normal.

You felt like your mind was in a thick fog while walking around town.  
  
**75**  
  
The clock is ticking and you're getting antsy and can barely hold something without shaking. You have a few things left to do and were planning on cleaning up a bit before you leave but your mind is scattered and your body. It's frozen. Of course you're scared of what will happen. But it needs to happen.  
  
It doesn't stop your body from shaking though. It feels like something is crawling in your skin.  
  
You're so close.  
  
It sounds pathetic but you really want a hug.  
  
**76**  
  
You wish you had the closeness of loved ones who support you through this but you know that's too much to ask for.  
  
**77**  
  
Even as you went through your last days with your plan set out, you walked through life giving it a million and one chances to prove you wrong again, to make you reconsider your decision, but it hadn't come. Things will just stay like this. Your mind is too exhausted to ponder the nuances anymore.  
  
It's so foggy.  
  
Maybe your body is shaking from all the things you got left to do and what might go wrong and what you could forget and messing up and you know the likelihood of everything going according to plan is minimal at best but at the same time why do you care since you won't even see the outcome no matter how curious you are? The moment you die is the moment time doesn't exist anymore, it stretches into infinity and yet isn't even a concept.  
  
You as an individual are gone for good. Everything that shaped you, that made you you, the small things that formed your sense of self and so on and so forth, it'll all disappear with you. It'll mean nothing. As soon as the last person on Earth forgets you, it's like you didn't even exist.  
  
You think you love that.  
  
**78**  
  
Reality is showing its true form at this point.  
  
The man in the mirror.  
  
Looks run down.  
  
Uneven patches of skin.  
  
Young eyes.  
  
Foreign.  
  
**79**  
  
It ends here.  
  
Your life meant nothing. It never did.  
  
You can just relax a bit.  
  
You're okay. You tried your best, gave your best, worked hard from beginning to end, and I love you for that. For what it's worth, you could've been amazing. So far it's been more of an exception to the rule, but you can be incredible and strong-minded. You are wonderful.  
  
I'm glad you held on for so long. I'm proud of you. It's okay. It's okay, you'll be okay. Please don't be scared. You deserve to live and to be happy, whatever that abstract term means to you. You deserve all the time in the world. I love you.   
  
Know that I love you. Love life and its small beauties. Love how much of a pain in the ass it's been. Honored we got to witness this moment in time.  
  
I'll be here for you. I wish you the best, baby.  
  
It'll be fine. I'm sure of it.  
  
Please be kind to yourself and patient in the same way you are towards others deep inside. Pretending that you think everyone is inherently awful was never your strong suit. You love people and are receptive to loving them. You want to extend your love to others and show them unconditional kindness, as much as the limits of your ego allow at least.  
  
But you want to adore people and enjoy life. You wish things could've been different. You wish you wouldn't resort to 'throwing your life away'. This is the card you've been dealt. You thought it through long enough.  
  
Even if no one else is there, I'm here for you. I always have. Whether it's of much help is something else, but I've seen your highs and lows, your strengths and weaknesses, your perseverance and fatigue.  
  
Please keep going. I beg you.  
  
I know it won't happen.  
  
**80**  
  
Potential. You were told you had 'potential' a lot. It was always 'potential', not actual talent or whatnot. You always had the possibility for good, or even greatness, but you always fell short.  
  
You could be good, but you're not.  
  
Something's stopping you.  
  
That's your life in a nutshell, honestly.  
  
**81**  
  
Why are you even going out of your way to do these things for others? You don't even know if it'll work out or not.  
  
The only upside is that you won't be alive to regret anything.  
  
Whatever your legacy is, it will be out of your hands no matter what. Outsider's perspectives always have the upper hand in shaping a narrative.  
  
**82**  
  
You feel guilty that this is the person you are and what you've become. You are at peace with your decision.  
  
**83**  
  
Usually college is life-changing for people. For you it's life-ending. Ha.  
  
Life is too strenuous for too little reward for so much hardship.  
  
**84**  
  
If it takes you dying for people to suddenly show they care, it's not worth living the rest of your life in pain.  
  
Life is not a currency. It's not inherently worth anything.  
  
**85**  
  
You've set out what you meant to do so finally there's nothing keeping you here anymore.  
  
**86**  
  
Your body feels heavy like lead. You're exhausted.  
  
And now the doubts are rushing in. Is this really how your life ends? You know you have no other choice and that your life will just continue to be drenched in misery. There won't be some miracle day that turns everything around and makes life truly worth it. This has gone on too long. It's so pathetic that your life ends like this. All the difficulties and pain meant nothing. It won't even be remembered. You're all alone in this final decision.

Ultimately, you lost. You lost the battle. You lost against the others.

Well, whatever.

You did all you could. How others react is outside of your control.

You've accepted the uncertainty.

**87**

You feel it is an appropriate time to die.

You're ready.

**88**

You've done all the things you've set out to do before you take your leave.  
  
Gave away a bunch of your prized possessions. Wrote a bunch of grateful and apologetic letters. Updated your will.

No one caught on.  
  
For some reason, you hope you've done the right thing.

This is your last day on Earth.  
  
There's nothing much to say. No final words. No tears left to shed. You were pathetic from start to finish.  
  
Adieu, and a good night.  
  
**89**  
  
_You love the beauty God gave Earth_  
_ You hate the misery that is innate to it_  
_ Grieved the destruction_  
_ Admired the ugliness_  
_ Welcomed the dark fog_  
  
_ May the Moon watch over you as you perish_  
_ May the grass embrace your decay as your body melts to the ground_  
_ May God loosen His grip on your soul_  
_ May the people in your life move on_  
_ May the stars help them thrive, where you failed to do so_  
  
_ May God forgive you_  
_ May God have Mercy on you and your fellow souls_  
_ May mind, spirit and body finally part ways_  
_ May this departure be successful_  
  
Break the curse of existence  
I loved you to the very end  
And I hated you to the very end  
  
  
You are at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depression is a liar.
> 
> you deserve to get help. you deserve to get better. you deserve love.


End file.
